Gird your Nungas and Prepare for Battle!
by Trampy Mouse
Summary: After LIAMMT. After Stalag 14 accidentally burns down, the Ace Gang and the other girl students have to move to Foxwoods. When all girls school meets all boys schools who knows what will happen? Can Georgia deal with her new Mr Moody PANTS? DavexGeorgia.
1. Stop What KittyKat?

**A new fanfiction! It is set after LIAMTT. Mainly because I cannot WAIT for Stop in the Name of Pants! I wasn't originally going to write one after LIAMTT because of the way it was left but I have a good few ideas. I'm not exactly set on a plot yet but I am toying with ideas, but I won't upload this until I've chosen so it is vair irrelevant me telling you this but…you know. :). The reason why I won't upload until it is sorted is because I can't stand it when you find a fanfic but it only had one chapter.**

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**Stop what Kittykat?**

_**Saturday **__**June 30**__**th**_

_**10.20pm**_

Yummy Scrumboes and lip nibbling extraordinairosity!

_**1 minute later**_

Merde! What in the name of Mr Next-Door's over sized shorts am I doing? Again my loins have ungirded themselves to the state of ungirdiosity. I am gird-less. Oo-er.

I am such a red bottomed minx. I am in luuurve with the Italian stallion- but try telling that to my lips. How'd I end up in the snog fest type fandango with Dave again?

I pulled away. I said, "Dave, you've got to stop this,"

He said, "Stop what, Kittykat?"

I said with a tint of disbelievosity, "You've got to stop snogging me,"

He said, "Oy! It takes two to tango, missy,"

"You are the one who started it,"

He shrugged, "You entice me, I can't help it, it's my hormones,"

"Dave…"

He tutted at me, "Your problem is that you can't resist me,"

"Dave, I have Masimo, who is my maybe almost boyfriend, I am eschewing you with a firm hand and girding my loins,"

"Gee, don't worry; I understand, you are only human after all,"

Cheeky Cat.

I said, "_Your _problem is you're too full of yourself, I could resist you any day of the week,"

Then he said, "Let's test that,"

And he pushed me against a tree and pinned my arms above my head.

I said, "What are you doing, Dave?"

He said, "The question is more like what are _you going_ to do?"

_**2 minutes later**_

Still pinned against the tree like a pinned thing in a pin factory.

What _is_ he doing? We are so close our noses are touching. Which is not as close as you would think considering the size of my gigantibus conk.

_**1 minute later**_

I get it! He wants me to snog him so he can say he is right about being irresistible. Well, as we all know that is never ever going to happen.

_**30 seconds later**_

Girdy Loins, Girdy Loins.

_**1 minute later**_

Dave said, "What are you thinking now?"

What? Is he expecting me to say, 'Oooh, I want you to snog my head off right now!' He is too bloody cocky. Oo-er.

I said, "I am thinking that my arms might drop off from lack of blood,"

Ha! That will show him. I am all glaciosity.

_**30 seconds later**_

Nothing can make me snog him. I am as cools as _le_ cucumber. Cooler. And in cucumber land. Shut up! But the nub and gist of my point is that he will be snogless tonight.

_**2 minutes later**_

The bloody snake! He is trying to tempt me back into the ways of nip libbling by self nip libblilating! I cannot believe how cheap and full of cheatosity he is being.

I will never buckle under pressure. I am like what's-his-face. That Catholic Monk who they hung by his wrists. Or was it a bishop? I don't know but I do know that hell will freeze over before I snog him.

_**1 minute later**_

It is tempting though…

Down red bottom down! And you too lips, stop puckering! Maximum glaciosity at all costs.

_**2 minutes later**_

To snog or not to snog, that is the question.

_**30 seconds later**_

Maybe one little tinsy snog…

_**1 minute later**_

It wouldn't hurt to have a little flair of red bottomosity…

_**2 minutes later**_

How irritating is he?! The answer is vair vair irritating.

I gave into my rampant red bottomosity and leaned forward to snog him and do you know what he did? He leant backwards out of my reach! How dare he?!

He raised one eyebrow.

I said, "What do you want me to do then?!"

He shrugged, "Say something,"

"Like what?"

"Say…you want to snog me senseless and turn me into vegetable boy,"

"Yeah right,"

He said, "Ok, maybe not…hmm…how about…"

He looked down and I could see him swishing his tongue trying to think. Then he looked me straight in the eyes.

"Say…that you love me too,"

I was as shocked as two shocked things, "No!"

"Then we'll be here a very long time then, sex kitty,"

_**1 minute later**_

Should I say that?

_**2 minutes later**_

But we know it's not true. He's a mate and an accidental snogging partner. I certainly don't love him.

_**1 minute later**_

But my arms are becoming vair vair achy being pinned above my head. And my lips are puckering up. Stop puckering stupid lips! I may disown them.

_**30 seconds later**_

Maybe I should say it to get him to let me go. It doesn't mean anything because we both know it's not true.

_**1 minute later**_

Here goes nothing:

"I lo-"

And then we heard, "Dave? Gee? Where are you two? Gee- Oh!"

Dave jumped off me like a jumpy thing at a jump-athon.

But then in the spirit of red bottomosity I grabbed his head and I snogged him. In front of everyone! Even Ellen. A proper, full frontal snog fest and number 6.

Then I realised what I was doing and stopped. Everyone was staring at me like seeing-eye-dogs with their mouths hanging open like hanging- shut up shut up!

Jas' mouth virtually reached her knees. And Ellen looked murderous.

Merde. And poo.

Even Dave looked shocked. He turned around and stammered out, "H-Hi," to the gawpers.

I ran.

It would have been a good exit if I hadn't tripped over that bloody badgers burrow again.

_**10.45pm**_

In my tent. Blubbing.

_**1 minute later**_

Why? Why did I have to do that in front of everyone? Jas is right. I am a promiscuous tart. I am going to grow up unloved and be a nun.

_**2 minutes late**_

And Masimo would find out through Radio-Jas.

_**1 minute later**_

My life is over.

_**3 minutes later**_

Oh Great! Thanks big G. Now I really am being plundered by farmers.

I said, "Go away you stupid farmers! Some of us have some crying to do! Go back and shear your sheep!"

And the farmer said, "Gee, are you alright?"

It wasn't a farmer! It was Dave. Back. Probably to say 'I told you so' about the irresistibility.

I shouted back, "What do you care?"

He said, through the tent, "Gee, you basically just _ate_ me back there, so of course I care,"

He is soooo annoying.

He carried on, "I just had a grilling of a life time from your mates,"

Not as bad as I'm going to get.

"Gee? Are you sure you are ok? Err…were you going to…err…tell me something before they burst in? You know?"

Had he turned into Ellen?

He said, "Gee…I meant what I said when you fell in the river…I lo-"

Then I heard Miss Wilson say, "Oh, Good Lord! There's a boy on site! Herr Kamyer! Wake up! Boy! Come here! Herr Kamyer!"

"Was ist it Miss Vilson?"

"There's a boy on site,"

I could here Dave curse under his breath outside. And it wasn't the most politest thing I've ever heard. It is the kind of things that Libby learns at the House of the Elderly Insane.

He said, out loud, "Uh-oh, I best be away laughing on a fast camel,"

And I heard him stumble off like a loon.

_**11.00pm**_

The Ace Gang came back. I pretended to be asleep.

Jas said, "She has a LOT of explaining to do,"

Jools said, "I thought she was going out with Masimo,"

And Jas said, "Her and Dave have been snogging behind everyone's backs for ages,"

Then the tent opened.

Mabs said, "She's asleep,"

Then I felt something very wet and cold go in my ear.

I shot up as fast as two fast shooting things, "ERLACK!! What in the name of Billy Shakespeare's PANTS was that?"

It turns out Rosie had licked her finger then shoved in my ear.

Then they all just did that staring at me thing. So I stared back. It was a staring fest.

Then Ellen said, "What…err…why…you know…you and Dave…umm…what?"

Again Please?

Then Jas shouted, "Gee, how could you do this to Masimo again!? You are such a promiscuous tart!"

Jools said, "I thought you didn't like Dave?"

Jas said, "Oh she doesn't like him, she just can't control herself,"

I said, "I do like him! Err…as a mate,"

Jas said, "Yes, whatever Georgia,"

I said, "Ok…maybe a bit more than a mate,"

Jas said, "Then stop pulling him about and go out with him!"

Good Point Well Made. Not. Me and Dave? Is she mad? We will never work because…we just wouldn't. It's impossible.

Rosie said, "Let bygones be bygones!"

Jas said with a burst of disbelifiosity, "Are you even listening to this conversation? Georgia's a promis-"

And Rosie put her face really close to Jas and for one vair vair scary moment I thought she was going to snog her. And I can't be watching lesbian porn in my state of depressivosity.

Then Rosie shouted, "HOOOOORRRRRRNNNNNN!!"

**Aaaaaw! Dave wanted Gee to say she loved him!!**


	2. Yodelling All Night Long

**Howdy! Decided to scrap my jaw drop idea and emo-take idea although I'll write them some other time probably and have got a good idea! It's not completed but at least I have a base plot. Which is good. Lol. I'm listening to MCR at the moment. Sharpest Lives has to be the best god da****mn song on the face of the earth.**

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**Yodelling All Night Long**

_**Sunday July 1**__**st**_

_**8.00pm**_

Yessss! Camping is over and I can go back home and be greeted by loving parents and nourishing stew. Oh wait, I was thinking? Of course in Nicolson land I'd be lucky if I get a mouldy sausage.

_**2 minutes later**_

Jas is ignorez vousing me. I don't know why she has to take my red bottomosity so seriously. It's none of her business who I accidentally snog.

Ho hum pig's bum. At least I won't need to listen to her rambling on about toads.

_**1 minute later**_

Even Ellen isn't that bothered. She's gushing on and on and on about Dec.

"And he…err…you know…he asked me whether I'd, like, go to the cinema with him some time…so…err…he must think I'm groovy and not err…like, you know, ungroovy? Do you think so?"

I said, "Yes,"

That seemed to satisfy her.

_**3 minutes later**_

We don't need Miss. Big Knickers to help us anyway. We can take down the tent easy peasy. You just throw Rosie at it. And she is a very willing cannibal.

_**1 minute later**_

Or do I mean cannon ball?

_**8.30pm**_

The bus came and we all got on. Bus Elvis was wearing a flat hat in an alarming shade of brown.

I said, "I like to see what a tasteful bus driver I have; my mum always said you can tell the type of man from the colour of his hat,"

He grimaced at me, "Just get on the bus and don't be stupid,"

How pleasant and lovely is that? I am glad to know what polite people we have running our public transportation.

I said to Ro-Ro who was pressing her nose against the bus like a pig, "I am sure he is related to Elvis is someway, and that is le fact,"

She said, "I am going to see how many people I scare,"

_**On the Motorway of Life.**_

_**2 minutes later**_

The boys are driving in the lane next to us in their car. Rollo is leaning out the sun roof pretending to surf. It is vair vair funny. Jools is virtually splitting her tights.

I wonder why Dave isn't doing that too? It is one of the silly things he'd find funny.

Then, as if he'd read my mind (Freaky Deaky) Rollo pointed to the back seats of the car. And there was Dave! Asleep! His head was tipped back, his mouth was wide open and his cheek was all smushed against the window. Trés Amusante!

Rollo did the 'sshhhh' sign by putting his fingers to his lips and ducked back inside the car. Then without a warning he slammed himself backwards into Dave the Snoozer. Dave woke up and had a spaz attack and biffed Rollo one. They started fighting in the back seat. Vair vair hilarious. Me, Rosie and Jools were laughing like loons on loon tablets.

I said, in between pearls of laughosity, "He has a big red mark on his cheek from the window!"

Miss Big Knickers came over to see what we were laughing at.

I said, "Dave and Rollo are having it off in the back seat,"

And Ro-Ro said, "Oo-er,"

And we went back into helpless hysterics again.

_**3 minutes later**_

But I still feel a bit weird about last night.

_**1 minute later**_

It doesn't matter though; I'm Masimo's Maybe Nearly Almost Girlfriend. Dave's just a mate. A mate that loves me. Hmph.

_**3 minutes later**_

It would never work me and him anyway. He's just a laugh and my Hornmeister. Masimo is a Luuurve God. And Dave is no god. He just likes to think he is.

_**2 minutes later**_

But he isn't.

_**9.15am**_

Home! Of course Mutti and Vati do not notice that I have just come back from the unexplored depths of the Forest. They are too busy snogging on the sofa. Erlack a Pongoes! It can scar someone as sensitive as _moi. _I may ask to spend another day at camping to get away.

_**3 minutes later**_

At least Angus missed me. He savaged my legs when I came back.

_**11.05am**_

Masimo phoned.

"_Ciao, caro_,"

"_Ciao_, err, howio are you?"

He laughed. He sounds groovy gravy even down the phone.

"Good_, grazie, _are you well?"

"Yes, err, _si_,"

"Are you coming to Roma, _bella_?"

"_Si_, my mum will book tickets soonio,"

Then he said, "That is good, caro, I am missing you, when you come to Roma, I will show you Italian things, it will be good, _si_?"

Jelloid Knickers extrodanairabus!

_**1.20pm**_

Went down stairs, luckily Mutti was wrestling her tights off Gordy and wasn't snogging Vati.

I said with full frontal sweetosity, "My dearest mother, when are you going to book the tickets for Italy?"

She said, "You are not going to Italy,"

"But you said you'd think about it!"

"And I thought no,"

_**1 minute later**_

I hate my parents.

_**3 minutes later**_

Libby burst in to my room with her Dolly Boy Josh. I am surprised his Mutti let him over again after the drag-queen-with-a-Mohican look he went home with last time. But as I have said, adults are a bloody mystery.

Libby said, "I have Joshy the Dolly boy, he's naaaiiice!"

I said, "Libby, I think Josh would like the paper bag off his head,"

"He lobes it,"

Then Josh the Dolly Boy made a mad dash for freedom.

_**3 minutes later**_

I may call the NSPCC and have Libby locked away.

_**10 minutes later**_

I can't believe Mutti won't let me go to Italy. It is unbelievable, that is why. What am I going to say to Masimo?

_**6 minutes later**_

Freaky Potatoes! I just had Dave's voice pop into my head again saying, "Watch out he doesn't hit you with his handbag,"

Shut up voice of Dave.

_**10 minutes later**_

I wonder why he was asleep earlier? Though I am not surprised. Sven probably kept everyone awake by yodelling all night long so he would have been vair vair tired.

_**7 minutes later**_

I wonder if Dave really meant it when he said he loved me. He can't, can he? He is Dave the Laugh, King of the Horn. He probably says it to everyone.

Stupid Dave. He's probably just trying to get me to dump the Italian Stallion. Well, I'm going to Ignorez-Vous him. Like a heartless babe magnet. Because I have brought my Italian Cakey and I am not going to ask for a refund.

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**Sorry it's a short chapter. I will have more soon. It's another of those filling in chapters. I had loads of them when I was writing Vegetables, Rollerskating and Dave the Laugh. Very Annoying.**** Thank you so much for all your reviews! Six for the first**** chapter! I feel very loved!!**


	3. Mr Moody PANTS

**I've spent the entire day writing scenes in my notepad about this fanfiction. But the thing is I have to act them out after I've wrote them. Or I pull the characters facial expressions as I am writing. It is very embarrassing. I had very many weird looks. Especially when I was writing in the restaurant I went to.**

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**Mr Moody PANTS**

_**Monday July 2**__**nd**_

_**8.50am**_

Run Run Run.

I am so late.

_**1 minute later**_

Managed to get to school just before the bell rang. Poo! I have accidentally got the red-faced loon look from running. Who ever said running is good for you is wrong. My legs ache like Billio.

_**Assembly**_

Jas still isn't talking to me. I tried to stand next to her but she swapped places with Ellen. So I barged in on the other side of her. She was vair angry (i.e. her nose turned white and her cheeks turned red) but she couldn't say anything because she is ignorez vousing me! Hahahaa. Trés Amusante-ish.

_**3 minutes later**_

Our revered headmistress Slim is doing her impression of a jelly in shoes. She is very good at it.

"As you all know, Form Ten A went on a truly exhilarating camping trip this weekend, and despite a couple of hiccups, the success of the trip has made us consider running a camping trip every year,"

Everyone groaned. Apart from Jas who was all excited.

Slim rambled on, "We expect all of Ten A to prepare a presentation each on the Camping Trip to read out in next weeks assembly,"

I whispered to Ro-Ro, "Hell will freeze over before I write a presentation on the Camping Trip,"

Ro-Ro said, "I will tell them about rustling Viking-Sheep,"

Then we spontaneously burst into a sitting-down-type Viking Bison Disco Inferno until Hawk-eye gave us the evil eye.

Oh how I've missed Civilisation!

_**Break**_

Hiding in Science Block Loos from the Hitler Youth.

I said, "I cannot believe we have to write a presentation, it is the height of stupidosity, perhaps bordering on the giddy heights of insanosity,"

Ro-Ro said, "Would you do a role-play of the sheep rustling with me, Gee?"

Then Jas said, "Why don't we invite Dave round and you can do a role-play of snogging him,"

She is vair vair annoying. And Fringey. Shut up Fringey.

Then Jools said, "It was funny that fight between Dave and Rollo, wasn't it? I wonder why he was asleep?"

I said, "Sven was probably yodelling all night so he couldn't sleep,"

And Rosie said, "Sven is out of his yodelling phase now, he has a new found interest in Opera,"

Lord, save us all!

_**Physics**_

Herr Kamyer is buzzing about the camping lark. He is spectacularly German and therefore mad.

"It vas _sehr gut _the camping, wasn't it?"

Me and Rosie nodded like loons on loon tablets.

"But you shall never guess vat! Late at night ven you vere all sleeping a boy snuck onto the campsite!"

Me and Rosie said, "Oh my Goshy Gosh!"

Mabs said, "Did you and Miss Wilson get him?"

Herr Kamyer said, "_Nein_, he vas too fast,"

Then Rosie said, "Herr Kamyer, _you'll_ never guess what! P. Green knocked over the bathroom facilities whilst Miss Wilson was showering and then everyone saw the poor woman in the nuddy pants!"

The Proud Dithering Champion of the German nation turned beetroot. Good Grief.

_**Froggie**_

Jools is still gushing about the Surfing-Lark. She seems to think it is the most funniest thing since…I don't know. She sent everyone a drawing of Rollo surfing.

Rosie sent us all a note in reply.

_Dear All,_

_We should have a Surfing Disco Inferno Dance_

_Ro-Ro_

Jools practically wet herself. She has no dignosity.

_**Lunch**_

We have perfected our Surfing Disco Dance. It goes:

Bob.

Bring right arm across.

Bring left arm across.

Hair flip.

Lean Back.

Lean Forward.

Pinch nose and pretend to sink.

Swim.

And shout 'Aloha!'

_**1 minute later**_

It is danced to the tune of Jaws.

_**Hometime**_

Merde! Dave the Laugh and his crew have spotted us! Why does he have to pop up everywhere I go (Oo-er). I bet he's stalking me. Well, I'm going to ignorez vous him and give him full frontal glaciousity. I'm not even going to look at him. To me he is none existent.

Although I don't think he's that bothered, he hasn't even said anything yet. He's actually being quiet for once. Alert! The apocalypse is coming! Hahahaha. Shut up Brain.

He probably expects me to say something. I'll talk about Masimo, that will show him that he is yesterday's snog etc.

I said to Rosie, "I am trying to persuade Mutti to let me go to Pizza-a-go-go land to let me see the Italian Stallion; he says I can stay with his family, how fabby is that?"

Rosie said, "Beware of guys with violin cases,"

What?

I carried on regardless, "Masimo is going to show me around Rome and stuff, and it'll be soooo groovy. In fact it'll be the tip of groovosity, perhaps even on groovosity tablets, he says that he'll show me Italian things and-"

Then Dave said, "Would you stop talking about the bloody Handbag-Horse?"

I could not believe it. It was unbelievable that is why. I've never heard Dave angry before, he's always a laugh and hence he is called Dave _the Laugh._

Everyone looked at him in shockosity. Blimey O'Reily's Trousers! He looked dreadful. He was all pale and had dark bags underneath his eyes as if he hadn't slept in months. Maybe he had the dreaded lurgy? Erlack a Pongoes! I better not catch anything; I need to be in tip top condition for my Pizza-a-go-go adventure!

I said, "Dave, you don't look very well,"

And he said, "Oh, I'm perfectly well, Georgia," And stormed off!

He is being Mr. Moody PANTS. Gadzooks!

Jas said, "Blimey,"

I said, "What's up with him?"

Rollo said, "Search me,"

Tom said, "What the hell did you do to him down by the river?"

Dec said, "He's been in such a foul mood since then,"

Rollo said, "Yeah. Look what he did when we were fighting in the car!"

Rollo had a black eye.

I said, "Rollo, you have no one but yourself to blame, you decided to jump on him while he was sleeping,"

Tom said, "He didn't sleep a wink after he came back to the tent; he just walked around and around the tent all night long,"

I said, "Is that where his exhaustiosity came from?"

Rollo sniggered, "No, he just has had a really bad hangover all day,"

Ellen said, "Did he...err…like…um…get, you know, drunk?"

Rollo said, "Drunk?! That's the biggest understatement of the centaury,"

Tom said, "When we go out we usually have a bit to drink, but we always make sure we know what we're doing,"

Very Sensible. Probably gets it from Robbie, who as the original Sex God was gorgey but had the hint of a sensible person hiding underneath. Why am I thinking of Marsupial man? Get out! Get out!

Dec said, "When you can't walk in a straight line then you call it a day,"

Rollo said, "Hah! Dave could barely walk let alone in a straight line! We had to hold him like walking sticks. In the end we dumped him at Tom's because it was closest. As soon as we let him go he fell over, it was so funny,"

Tom said, "It wasn't funny when he was sick all over the rug, my wages are being docked to pay for that!"

Jas said, "Poor Tommy Wommy,"

Which sent everyone into hysterics apart from the Vole Couple who went beetroot.

Rollo said, "And the stuff he was saying when we taking him back! I recorded it on my phone,"

He got out his mobile to show us but Tom snatched it off him.

"He'll kill you if he found out you showed them that,"

And Rollo said, "Georgia deserves to know what he said about her,"

What?! He was talking about me?

But Tom deleted the video. Spoil Sport.

_**3 minutes later**_

I wonder what he said?

_**10 minutes later**_

Just me, Jas and Tom walking now.

I said to Tom, "Does Dave get drunk a lot then?"

Tom shook his head, "He's pretty good at knowing his limit with drink, he usually has a couple but then sticks to cokes and fizzy drinks for the rest of the night but I suppose last night he was in too much of a bad mood to be bothered with watching himself,"

I said, "I've never seen him in a bad mood before,"

Tom said, "Well he's not going to let _you _see him in a bad mood is he?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

Tom said, "I shouldn't have said that,"

I said, "Well why was he in a bad mood,"

Tom said, "I shouldn't tell you that either,"

I did my best puppy-dog eyes.

Tom said, "Gee, Dave tells me a lot of his personal thoughts and stuff and that is a really unusual thing for a guy. Boys never talk about feelings unless they think the person is completely trust-worthy so can you see why it's so important I don't say anything?"

Jas said, "Of course,"

Which I think is ironic coming from Radio Jas.

Tom said, "But I will tell you that Dave really likes you, and he doesn't have to tell me that for me to figure it out,"

_**4.00pm**_

Merde.

_**10 minutes later**_

Why do boys always have be so annoying? I was happy liking Masimo but now Dave has made me feel really guilty.

_**3 minutes later**_

I wonder what other stuff he has said about me?

_**6 minutes later**_

I suppose I am back on the Horns of the Watsit again. I love my life.

**

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****Arrgggh! I was making a Sims version of 'Vegetables Roller-skating and D the L' but it will not convert from a Movie maker project to a .wav file. It is vair irritating.**

**I've made a photo shopped picky of a scene of LIAMTT and uploaded it onto deviant art by the way. Here's the link: trampy-mouse./art/LIAMMT-cartoon-strip-1-88492840. **

**Woo my first photo shopped work! **


	4. Where is Holy Water when you need it?

**Ooooooooooooh. I've got another idea for a new fanfiction, but I won't start writing it until I'm a good way through this one. Me and my bestie (Vinnie2757) had the hugest laughing fit known to man kind. We were in English and everyone was silent writing up their Creative Writing Coursework but we had bad writers block (I kept adding osity on the end of everything). We were discreetly passing notes and I wrote something (but can't tell you what otherwise it'll ruin the plot) and we spontaneously starting peeing ourselves with laughter. Have you ever had it when you know you can't make a noise and should shut up but you can't? I had that, I was trying sooooooo hard not to laugh so I ended up making a really loud noise like a demented hiccup crossed with Ellen's infectious laugh. **_**Cos I'm cool. **_**Lol.**

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**Where is Holy Water when you need it?**

_**Tuesday July 3**__**rd**_

_**8.30am**_

Meet Jas on the hill. She is talking to me again now. My charm strikes again!

She said, "Have you phoned Dave?"

I said, "Of course because I speak to him every waking moment,"

She said, "Really?"

I said, "No! I have much more pridnosity than that,"

She said, "Really?"

I said, "If you don't stop saying 'really' I really will shove your knickers down your throat,"

She was quiet for a bit and then said, "Reeeeeaaaalllly?"

She is so annoying! And more fringey than usual. Shut up fringey.

I said, "Jas, it doesn't make an interesting conversation if you keep saying really!"

She said, "Well…I think you should phone Dave,"

I said, "Why?"

She said, "Because you have upset him!"

I said, "How?"

She said, "I don't know what you were doing down by the river before I caught you-what _were _you doing down by the river?"

I said, "Looking for badgers,"

But she didn't believe me. That is the kind of world we live in.

_**1 minute later**_

She is vair vair violent. Just because I pushed her into a hedge.

_**RE**_

Jas moved next to Mabs so she didn't have to sit next to me. Well, ho hum pigs bum. My ankle still hurts; she can have a very hefty kick for someone who wears gigantoid knickers.

_**6 minutes later**_

Me, Rosie and Jools were just amazing Miss Wilson with our love for RE (we were meditating) when Herr Kamyer came into the classroom. Wearing his best tartan socks.

"Ah, Miss Vilson, I have some papers for you!"

And he left quickly. Miss Wilson reached the Giddy-Heights of beetrootosity.

Good Grief. And Gott im Himmel!

_**3 minutes later**_

Miss Wilson's God would be Herr Kamyer. Erlack!

I said to Rosie, "Imagine Herr Kamyer and Miss Wilson snogging, Oo-er Number 10,"

She said, "When I am a schizophrenic wreck in the loony bin, I will make sure I thank you, Georgia,"

_**1 minute later**_

Miss Wilson has just remembered she has a very urgent thing she needs to give to Herr Kamyer. Erlack a Pongoes. Teacher Luuurve. It should be made illegal. I feel all dirty now. Urgh.

_**10 minutes later**_

_**In the Playground**_

Mucho Excitamondo! We have a fire drill! Yippee! That means half an hour off lessons and listening to Slim say that if there was a real fire then we would all be dead. Which quite frankly would be a blessing in disguise at the moment. Then she will say that we have wasted too much time. In my personal opinion, if anyone bothered to listen (I.e. no one) the entire fire drill type fandango is a waste of time. As I said to Herr Kamyer, "_Was ist der_ point?" But he was too busy looking at Miss Wilson. Bless them Tiny Tim, one and all.

_**3**__** minutes later**_

This takes the biscuit of bordomosity.

We all have to be registered encase we are trapped in the imaginary fire. To be honest I think the fire bell is more lethal than the fire. I mean why does it have to be so high pitched for instance? My poor ear drums feel like…err…real drums.

The first formers are vair vair excited. They think the school really is on fire. With the amount of times I've prayed that the schools burns down, I know that it never will. You learn to give up hope after a while.

_**6 minutes later**_

Famous Last Words.

And Yes! Yes! Three times yes!

The school is on fire! Alert the Newspapers and Camera Crew and turn on Radio Jas airlines, Stalag 14 is burning down!!

Hawk-eye said in what she thought was a kind way, "Come along, girls, there is nothing to fear, the fire crews can handle it, lets move further away, there is nothing to be afraid of,"

Me and Rosie pretended we were terrified of fire and sort of latched onto Miss Stamp. And then we remembered she was a lesbian and we let go of her pretty sharpish. Erlack. I am lurgified, where is Holy Water when you need it?

_**2.00pm**_

Thank you Big G and baby Jesus! The fire has been put out (boo!!) but the upstairs floors been so badly damaged we can't go in it until it is repaired. Which will take at least three months. And guess what that means?

We are free from Stalag 14 and fascist reign! Yes!

Slim announced it gravely and we all threw our berets in the air and cheered like loons on loon tables. We are a bit on the hysterical side.

_**3 minutes later**_

The fire was started in the science labs by a Bunsen burner being knocked over. The finger of shame points at Nauseating P. Green. She really does have an enormous bottom. She looks like she has a touch of the pear in her family. I really would not be surprised if she accidentally knocked it over with her botty. I must remember to send her a Thank You card.

_**8 minutes later**_

Slim said she will get in touch with all our parents to let them know what will happen now. I thought all our phone numbers and details would have burnt but Hawk eye has them all in a book which she carries at all times. Alas! That is the sadnosity of her life.

_**3.00pm**_

I said, "Isn't that fabby! Stalag 14 has burnt down! Do you know what that means?"

I kept asking until everyone said 'what?'

I said, "No more Wet Lindsay! No more Hawkeye! No more fascists! No more Teacher Luuurve! And most importantly freedom!"

Jools said, "We really should celebrate!"

We all looked at Rosie.

Rosie said, "Ah, but of course, I am one step ahead of you, I was going to say that I have a party planned for Saturday,"

Jas said, "What is the theme?"

Rosie said, "Animals,"

_**3.15pm**_

I said to Mutti when I got in, "Mutti! The schools has burnt down,"

And she said, "In your dreams, Georgia,"

But nothing can burst my bubble! I am so happy!

_**3.30pm**_

Poo. Possibly Merde. I've just remembered the Dave the Mr. Moody PANTS fiasco. I wonder whether he's cheered up?

_**5 minutes later**_

Phoned Jas.

"Jas?"

"Oui, it is Jas,"

"Is Tom there?"

"Yes,"

"Can you find out whether Dave's OK or not through him,"

"Yes,"

"JAS! JAS! Wait!"

"What?!"

"Can you be really discrete?"

She sounded a bit huffy then, "Gee, I am discreteness personified,"

I beg to differ.

Then she shouted, "TOM! GEE WANTS TO KNOW WHETHER DAVE'S OK!"

Jas' Mum said, "I thought she liked Masimo, why's she bothered about Dave?"

Jas said, "She does like Masimo but she keeps snogging Dave and she's upset him,"

Jas' Mum said, "How did she upset him?"

Jas said, "I don't know! I found them down by the river and he had pinned her up against a tree and then when he saw me he let go of her but she grabbed him and snogged him!"

Tom said, "He pinned her up against a tree?! I didn't know about that bit!"

Jas said, "Yes, and now she's worried that he's upset and she wants to know if he's OK,"

Tom yelled something back, I didn't quite hear because I had thrown the phone down. I really must kill her. Radio Jas strikes with vengeance.

"Gee? Hello?"

I picked up the phone.

"Yes?"

"Tom says Dave was leading a head-banging and air-guitarring session on top of the science desks today, so he either is OK or has lost the plot completely,"

Sacré Bleu!

_**3 minutes later**_

Most likely he has lost the plot completely. But then, he has always been a few buttons short of a cardigan.

_**7.00pm**_

As I was sitting in my room practising being free (Mad Dancing come Surfing Disco Inferno) when Mutti burst in. I had to leap backwards to avoid any nunga nungas in the face incidents. Blimey O'Reily's trousers! I do hope that I do not end up with a bust like hers.

She said, "Your headmistress just phoned,"

I said, "Has she ran out of food at hers?"

But Mutti didn't get it. What is the point of having humour if no one is there to appreciate it?

She said, "Your Headmistress said because your education is important, they have made arrangements to transfer all students to another school,"

I said, "Where? I am not walking another billion miles in the morning,"

Mutti said, "Foxwoods say they will have you,"

I could not believe it. It was unbelievable that is why.

I said, "Foxwoods?! That's an all boys' school!"

And Mutti said, "Yes, I know,"

And I said, "We are an all girls' school!"

And Mutti said, "You'll have to learn how to mix in, then,"

OhmyGiddyGodsPyjamas!

* * *

**The Plot is heating up! Foxwoods here she comes! Lol. My fingers are so achy from typing!**** I keep thinking of that funny thing in English that made me have a laughing fit (see top note). Oh Great. Off I go again. In the Middle of the Night. God, I'm weird. But proud of it!!**


	5. Jelly Baby Black Market

**Got Work Experience coming up. I have to work as a translator for a company called MTT. Ohoh the tension the tension. I wonder what language I'd be doing? I know German, ****Spanish and Japanese…and of course English. I hope.**

* * *

**The Jelly Baby Black Market**

_**Wednesday July 4**__**th**_

_**9.00am**_

I can not believe we are being made to go to Foxwoods! Why couldn't Slim and her band of Merry Nazis just butt out? But that is the selfishiosity of so called grown-ups.

_**1 minute later**_

Joined the group of girls that were hanging around outside Foxwoods. Unbelievably we are still being made to wear our Stalag 14 uniforms. Berets and all.

Found the Ace Gang. They all had about twenty metres of make up on because of the boys. They have no digniosity. But I am a vision of glaciousity and I am vair vair sophis so I am only wearing foundation, concealer, blusher, eye shadow, lip gloss, five coats of mascara and a stroke of eye liner.

_**6 minutes later**_

Jas said, "Oh my God, Oh my God, I cannot believe that they are making us go in with the boys, Oh my God,"

And Rosie put her hand on her heart, saluted and said, "Gird your nungas and prepare for battle!"

Then I noticed she was wearing a false beard.

I said, "Rosie, why are you wearing a false beard?"

She said, "To blend in,"

Then Miss Stamp came out of the gates. Sadly her moustache did not burn away in the fire. If anyone is going to blend in it will be her.

She said, "Come on then, girls, don't be scared, they are only boys,"

We all pretended to shake.

As we walked through the playground I could kind of sense a squillion eyes staring at us. It was the boys. They were watching us like seeing-eye-dogs. They have no pridnoisity.

And that was when a banner opened. It said, "Welcome Nungas!"

Good Grief.

_**10 minutes later**_

The Foxwood headmaster is an incredibly twitchy man in a suit. He looks more like a vole in a suit to be honest. Actually that's not very nice thing to say is it? But it's true. He is miniscule compared to our revered headmistress Slim who is 'helping out'. When she walks in front of him I bet he thinks it is an eclipse of the sun.

Slim said, "Good morning Ladies, firstly can we give a big thank you to the Headmaster of Foxwoods for allowing you to come to this school,"

We all murmured.

The headmaster said, in a twitchy voice, "Thank you ladies, we have divided you all into classes and you will join the boys…"

Me and Rosie did a triumphant Viking Inferno dance until Hawk-eyes eyes very nearly fell out of her head. She has no _Joie de_ Wotsit.

_**2 minutes later**_

Drone on Vole man.

_**5 minutes later**_

Eeevvveeennntttuuuaaalllyyy, Vole Man finished telling us our classes. And yes, yes and three times yes! I am with Ro-Ro and Jas. But unfortunately we also have Nauseating P. Green with us. Some things never change.

_**10 minutes later**_

We had to listen to a year of Slim lecturing us on upholding the schools reputation.

She said, "…and if I hear of any vandalism to Foxwood property, the persons involved will be so sorry…"

Fat Chance. I don't think there is much left to vandalise in this school. For example, some of the windows in the hall are smashed and boarded up.

_**6 minutes later**_

We have been told to follow our class-tutors. Like they are tour guides or something. Our Guidey is an old woman in a suit who smells of Bovril.

Rosie said, "Bring on the Trouser Snakes!"

We are a bit hysterical.

_**1 minute later**_

Erlack a Pongoes! I have some chuddie stuck to my shoe!

_**10 minutes later**_

Jas said, "They don't seem very well behaved do they?"

I said, "This is my type of schoo-"

And suddenly a teacher from a classroom started yelling and interrupted me. How dare he?

"I AM SICK TO THE BACK TEETH OF YOU NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK! Every lesson, it's always you! What's your excuse this time?"

"I did do my homework, but it grew legs and ran away,"

OhmyGiddyGod. It was Dave the Laugh's voice!

"Enough cheek! Stand outside… and sort your uniform out!"

Dave came out of a classroom at the end of the corridor, tugging his sleeve down. His other sleeve was rolled up to his shoulder and he had tied his tie around his head.

He had his back to our group and hadn't noticed us. He was walking off when our Guidey said, "Where do you think your going?"

Dave said (without turning around), "I'm on a homework hunt, mine grew legs and went walkies, I must catch it, who knows what destruction it will wreak,"

Our Guidey said, "Don't set such a bad example for the girls,"

Dave span around. He grinned when he saw me, which is good because that means the Mr. Moody PANTS type fandango is over.

"Kittykat!"

The Guidey said, "What?"

Dave looked a trés freaked out, "I wasn't talking to _you_!"

Then Dave's teacher came out, "Right, you, homework…Oh hello Mrs. Potter,"

"These girls will be joining your class," And they started having a big boring chat. Dave did the 'sssshhh' sign and crept back into the classroom.

_**6 minutes later**_

As soon as we went into all the boys started cheering. What is it that they were cheering? Oh yes, it was that well known chant of 'Nunga Nungas!' I am so glad we live in a world of maturiosity. Dave was pretending to conduct them with a pencil. I have a feeling the next few months are going to be very eventful.

_**Break**_

Dave said, "Welcome Ladeeez, I see you are in my class, Gee, that is good because we will see a lot of each other,"

I said, "Oh no,"

He said, "Oh yes," And did that licky lips thing again! How disgusting. He is sooo irritating.

Then the rest of the Ace Gang came up to us. Ellen was practically hanging off Dec's arm. Where has all the pridnoisity gone to? I tell you where it has gone, down the gutter that is where.

All the happy couples cuddled up and started snogging on the wall leaving us three Normans (Me, Rosie and Dave) to talk.

I don't know what I should say to Dave. I feel a bit weird about his Mr. Moody PANTS episode.

But Rosie said, "I see you are feeling a lot better today, Dave,"

He said, "Yes, I wasn't feeling top of the world on Monday,"

I could kind of sense that we were going into dangerous territory but Rosie wouldn't leave it.

"Rollo said you had a hang over, naughty naughty, shouldn't have drank so much,"

Dave said, "Oh, don't worry, I am never ever ever going to drink that much again, it is not worth the headache,"

He looked at me funny then. I don't know why.

Rosie said, "May I ask why you drank so much?"

I could have kicked her. But luckily Dave was distracted by some other boys coming over.

Dave said, "Oy! Rollo, Tom! Put your girls down and come over here, we have customers,"

Rollo got out about eight sandwich bags from his rucky. They were full of different coloured Jelly Babies.

Dave said, "It is 5p per Jelly Baby apart from the orange ones, they are 10p,"

The boys said, "Why?"

Dave said, "Because they are my favourite," and he ate one to illustrate his point.

It was quite amazing. It was like a little shop.

When the boys left I said, "What was that all about?"

Rollo said, "We are the Jelly Baby black market,"

Tom said, "We buy them and then we sell them here,"

Dave said, "Tom is the numbers side of things, Rollo buys and transports and I am the charm that gets them sold,"

And he did one of those winky grins. Like they do on adverts and their teeth have a sparkle on it. But he didn't have a sparkle on his teeth, he had a half eaten jelly baby. Nice.

Ellen said, "Err…what about…you know, err, what does Dec, like, do?"

Dave said, "He fetches the coffees, go on Dec, get me a coffee,"

Dec said, "Bugger off,"

_**English**_

I went to sit next to Jas in English but Dave sort of steered me round and sat me by him instead.

He said, "I hate this lesson,"

I said, "Why?"

And he said, "You will see why,"

_**1 minute later**_

The English Teacher is a Barbie doll. And by that I mean she looks plastic. She has perfect hair, perfect make up, perfect skin, pretty much perfect everything. The boys are fascinated.

She said, "Hello, class and new girls," When she said new girls the boys looked at us like they'd only just realised we were here. They were hypnotised. It was vair vair hilarious.

She carried on, "We will be looking at dramatic technique used in Romeo and Juliet, can anyone name any?"

She put the board pen against her lips and pouted into it. All the boys subwatsitly pouted too. Like puppets. I wonder if she started waving her arms like a headless chicken would they copy her?

She picked Dec to answer. He said, "Nurruuugh,". Blimey O'Reily's trousers! I know what that is, it is a bad case of stupid brain, that is what it is. She had given the boys stupid brain.

She said, "Can you kindly explain to me what Nurruuugh is? I have never heard of it! Can you believe that? I am sure you have a brilliant explanation for it," And she smiled this really scary red-lip sticky smile.

Dec went beetroot, and that is _le_ fact. I am not joking.

I looked round at Dave to see whether he was hypnotised but he just raised his eyebrows. He then scribbled a note to me.

_**It's like this every lesson, it's so irritating, you cannot get a word of sense out of anyone.**_

I wrote back:

_How come you are not hypnotised like everyone else?_

And that's when she caught us writing notes, she grabbed Dave's note and read it.

"Oh, how lovely, we really must share this with the class, don't you agree? Hem, Hem: 'Because I have, as you would say, more digniosity than that –smiley face– they are all hypnotised because they think she is pretty but I prefer girls who have a personality…that is why I like you Kittykat! – another smiley face - ,"

I do not think I have ever seen Dave look more humiliated. And furious.

Miss Barbie did another one of her scary smiles and said, "How utterly beautiful, shall we continue, oh yes, there is only a bit more embarrassment to go, such a shame! 'Whilst she is about as poisonous as a snake'," Miss Barbie laughed and the rest of the class copied.

She said, "See! It wasn't so bad was it? A little public humiliation never hurt anyone, so am I, how you have said, as poisonous as a snake?" She did that pouty thing again, it was obviously supposed to give Dave stupid brain but it didn't work.

He said, "Yeah, well, it's true though isn't it?"

She said, "What is true?"

He said, "That you spend every lesson virtually seducing everyone until their brains fall out!"

She said, "Oh I am so glad to see at least one person in this room has half a brain on them,"

Jas raised her eyebrows at me and mouthed, 'Poor Dave'.

I said, "Leave him alone,"

Dave said, "It's Ok, Gee, it happens every lesson,"

But it made her burst out laughing, "Oh, how adorable! Young Love! Oh, if only we doing a production of Romeo and Juliet,"

Dave was positively fuming. Even more angry than the Mr. Moody PANTS incident.

_**End of English (Phew!)**_

As we walked out the door, Miss Barbie made a point of putting a tick on the board.

Dave said, "Don't be so bloody childish,"

What?!

As we got out the classroom he said, "I hate her, I hate her,"

I said, "What was all that about?"

Dave said, "The tick or the argument?"

I said, "Both!"

Tom said, "She has it in for Dave because he is the only one who argues back, trust me, just let her carry on, it's easier that way, or you will end up being humililiated like that every lesson"

Dave said, "You can't let her walk over you like that! At least I have a back bone,"

Dec said, "Yes and the tick was because he didn't storm out the classroom, he has a rep for storming out, and who can blame him, she completely embarrasses us,"

I said, "Dec, you were the creator of your own embarrassiosity then, you had stupid brain,"

Dec said, "I didn't,"

But we all know the truth.

_**Lunch**_

The Lunch Queue was huge but Dave the Laugh and his mates pushed in.

Ellen said, "Don't you…err…think that you should you know, queue?"

Dave said, "There is a sort of pecking order, when you win a fight then you get to move further up the queue, this is my space because I have beaten everyone behind me,"

Rollo said, "Yes, I am not eating the rubbish left at the end,"

And that is when Sven came bounding in.

I said, "I didn't know Sven still went to school,"

Dave said, "He doesn't, no one knows why he hangs around,"

Rosie ran over to him and he picked her up and walked off.

Dec said, "He is top dog in the lunch queue because everyone is too scared to fight him,"

Rollo said, "But you girls don't need to fight because you are our bitches,"

Dave said, "Yes, Jas is Tom's bitch, Rosie is Sven bitch, Jools is Rollo's bitch, Ellen is Dec's bitch, and Mabs, you and Ed?"

I noticed Edward who we met when camping was here and Mabs was practically dribbling over him.

She said, "Err, yes,"

Tom said, "What about Gee?"

Dave put his face really close to mine and said, "Who's bitch are you, Kittykat?"

I said with my full frontal glaciousity, "Not yours for sure,"

Dave said, "Well you will need to go to the back then,"

But he is joking. I think.

_**10 minutes later**_

I cannot believe Dave made me go to the back! It is unbelievable that is why! They were all eating chips and pizza and I ended up with cold cottage pie. I must kill him.

_**6 minutes later**_

I sat down, next to Jas, I am ignorez vousing Dave, even though it won't work, he has a knack of ignoring me ignoring him. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

I went to pour myself a drink out of the jug on the table but Dave said, "Don't drink out of that!"

I said, "Why?"

And he pointed to another table, some guys were spitting in their jugs.

Dave said, "You'd be lost without me, wouldn't you Kittykat? Don't worry, I'll show you the ropes around here,"

And he pointed to the ceiling. There was some gym ropes hanging from it. What in the name of Gods giant Pantyhose is he on about? I will be the last to know.

_**5.00pm**_

Mutti said, "How was your first day at Foxwoods?"

I said, "We sold Jelly babies, got into an argument with a teacher and I ate cold cottage pie,"

And she said, "That's lovely dear, tell me later"

Ho hum pig's bum. What is the point of asking if she doesn't want to know?

_**10 minutes later**_

Yessss! And Fabbiosity United! Masimo is relanding next Tuesday!

_**1 minute later**_

He phoned and I answered.

He said, "_Ciao_,"

And I said, "Oh I am really really sorry because I can't go to Italy to see you, my mum won't let me and it is the height of Poosity, and I-"

Masimo said, "_Caro_, no need, I am how you say cutting a long thing short, I am missing you so I am returning early, I will see you on Tuesday,"

I think my brain might of fallen out through my mouth then because I said, "Gwwuurrrnnibbbbeeerrr,"

But it doesn't matter, the Luuurve God is coming home to roost!

* * *

**Six pages! I love my rat, I was letting them have a bit of free time out the cage and he kept jumping on my lap!! Yay!! The bad side is that he tried to eat my feet. **

**There is a point of me putting the English Teacher bit in by the way. It is not just random.**


	6. Lip Gloss Guinea Pig

**I'm in the dog house because I was cooking myself some rice and I forgot about it and it burnt on the pan. Uh-Oh. Never mind. There are plenty more pans in the sea.**

**My work experience starts on the 30****th**** June to the 4****th**** July but I have my interview tomorrow. Nerves Nerves. At least I have some sexy new shoes to go in. **

**Huh, above was written two days ago. Those new shoes were evil, they slaughtered my feet. But the interview went well. **

**Yes, I know, I have shoved a Spanish in here again. But I thought of something hilarious (Because I have a Spanish examy tomorrow, eeek!) It would work for any language I suppose but I thought about it in Spanish, so it will be Spanish. Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Cough.**

* * *

**L****ip Gloss Guinea Pig**

_**Thursday July 5**__**th**_

_**8.15am**_

I have packed my own lunch to avoid any leftovers like last time. I must eat because I don't want Masimo to come back to Billy-Shakespeare-a-go-go land and find out his nearly almost girlfriend is a pile of bones.

_**8.20am**_

Met Jas outside her house. She was with Tom and they were looking at some pictures of voles and newts. It's vair vair sad.

I said, "Jas! Tom! Guess what! Masimo is coming back next Tuesday!"

Tom said, "That's great, Gee,"

But he sounded kind of strained.

He said, "Just…don't say too much about it, you know, in front of you-know-who,"

What in the name of Jas' giant knicker collection was he on about?

_**2 minutes later**_

Does he really think that I'd go talking about Masimo in front of Dave the Laugh? After the Mr. Moody PANTS type fandango? As much as he is a great boy type mate, Tom can be a few potatoes short of a spud. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

_**8.45am**_

Got into the playground after about a million years of Jas and Tom and the Newt Saga.

"KITTYKAT!"

Dave the Laugh flying-glomped me from behind, picked me up from the waist and span me around like a loon while I was trying desperately not to let everyone see my knickers.

Then Rollo and Dec came over (with Jools and Ellen hanging off their arms because they have no pridionosity)

Dec said, "Whoa, that is more than I want to see so early in the morning,"

I felt myself go beetroot.

Dave stopped spinning me around but didn't let go.

Dave said, "Nothing like an early morning spin to clear away the cobwebs"

What was he on about? As usual, I will be the last to know.

Rollo said, "Emma is at the gates, she wants a word with you,"

Dave said, "A word? That doesn't sound very good does it?"

But he went over to where she was. Merde, I hope she hadn't seen him glomping me otherwise there might be fist cuffs at dawn.

We watched them from the benches. They were talking quite normally at first; he even gave her a kiss on the cheek. Like he should, because she is his official-ish girlfriend. Then she started shouting at him. He just leant against the gate watching her yell. Then she pointed at me. Oh Poo.

_**9.00am**_

We had to go in and leave Dave and Emma to it. I wonder what's going on…Not that I'm bothered of course.

After Bovril Woman registered us she said, "Any girls out of form ten A will need to go to classroom 8 after break to do some presentations,"

Merde, I thought we wouldn't have to do the presentations now.

And that is when Dave the Laugh came tumbling through the back window.

Bovril Woman went ballisticimus, "You treat this school like an adventure playground,"

He said, "All the doors into the school were locked,"

Bovril Woman said, "You were ten minutes late, that's why! I hope your not doing much tonight,"

Dave said, "Not now," Blimey. He sounded a bit unlaughish.

B.W said, "That's good because it's detention for you, tonight,"

Dave said, "It's a date," Which would have been vair vair funny except he said it with the wrong voice. An unlaughish voice.

_**4 minutes later**_

Emma has dumped Dave! Apparently she couldn't trust him. To be honest, I think if she wanted someone who would only have eyes for her, she shouldn't have chosen Dave. Everyone knows that he has sounded his cosmic horn…and is quite proud of it. (Oo-er).

I said to him, niciosity personified, "Are you Ok?"

He then he said quietly to me, "You better watch out, because I haven't got anything stopping me, now,"

What is he on about? As usual I will be the last to know.

_**Spanish**_

Only Big G knows why we are being made to go to a Spanish lesson because a) I have never learnt Spanish and b) I will never learn Spanish. I rest my case.

I said to Dave, "Why in the name of my Vati's stretched undercrackers am I being made to do Spanish, I don't know Spanish,"

He said, "It is very similar to your beloved Italian,"

Oh poo. I wasn't supposed to bring up Italian with Dave. Luckily he was distracted by the teacher who was giving out marks for some Spanish Speaking Test they'd done a squillion years ago.

"Dec, E…Tom, C…Rollo, F see me after school, Edward, E, Dave, B…"

Rollo said in disbeliefiosity, "How the hell did you get a B!?"

Dave said, "Easy, I just answered every question with 'I might not know. I knew. I had known. How do you know I do not know? I could know. In a second I will not know. I am going to not know. Now I do not know and you know it's all your fault that I do not know because you stopped me knowing,' but in Spanish, "

Rollo said, "That is just a really long way of saying 'I don't know',"

Dave said, "Yes, but it sounds very impressive when you say it, and also I am not in detention city like you will be,"

Dec said, "That is really not fair…what is it in Spanish?"

Dave said, "I didn't spend five precious minutes of my life on an Internet Translator to tell you that!"

Tom said in an enviosity way, "You got a B…"

The teacher said, "He would have got an A if he added in a conditional tense,"

Dave just looked blank.

The teacher said, "Like 'I would have known if I'd bothered to learn my answers'!"

Dave said, "Ah, yes, but we can't have everything can we…surely you should KNOW that,"

The Teacher just threw his book at him.

_**Break**_

Me and the Ace Gang went off to find the Tarts Wardrobes until we realised that all the Tarts Wardrobes were for the guys. And that is the selfiosity of life.

On the way down to the bottom floor, we saw Mark Big Gob and the Blunder Boys lying underneath the stairs.

I said, "What are you doing?"

They looked a bit shifty.

When we were walking above them, MBG said, "Nice view, girls,"

He and his lardy mates were staring up our skirts! How naff and disgusting are they? I may have to get Dave the Laugh to repeat the duffing up incident.

_**10 minutes later**_

The boys were packing away their Jelly Baby Black Market stuff when we got back.

I said, "Oh Merde and Triple Poo-osity, we have that presentation to sort out now,"

Everyone (apart from Ms Big Knickers) moaned.

Rollo sad, "What's next lesson?"

Tom said, "Me and Dec have Geography, you have music,"

Dec said, "How do you remember our timetables? I can't even remember my own!"

"…and Dave has art,"

At this moment Dave pretend to die.

I said, "You chose art?"

He said, "I thought it be a doss lesson, you know, go in, scribble for a bit, go out,"

I said, "Is it?"

He just raised his eyebrows in a way that clearly meant 'no' even to the vair vair stupid.

Dec said, "It's the actual class which make me feel sorry for you,"

Dave said, "I know…an hour to survive them…"

Then he looked at me and grinned, "Hey, Kittykat! You go in with me!"

I said, "No,". What is his problem? Since I came here I've ended up with him in every lesson. It's vair annoying.

He said, "Would you rather do presentations?"

Good Point, Well Made.

He said, "I am not afraid to beg, you know,"

And he got on his knees in front of me and stuck out his bottom lip like babies do when you won't give them their favourite teddy. If you know what I mean and I think you do. It was actually trés amusante but I had too much pridnosity to give in. Especially since Jas was doing her infamous, look-at-me-look-at-Dave thing. She is so irritating.

Dave sighed, got up and said, "Well, if you want to play it that way," And he picked me up and put me over his shoulders.

"Dave! Put me down!"

But he just walked off with me. Even one was laughing like loons on loon tablets. Shut up laughing!

_**3 minutes later**_

We got to some stairs we had to go up. I felt like that Mary out of that book when Jaybird takes her up the mountains on his back because she had been a fule and sat in the snow for hours on end until she turned into a block of ice. Anyway, I felt like her apart from the fact that I actually quite hot from hitting Dave's back like a mad thing and even if I had been cold I wouldn't have wanted him to warm me up with 'the warmth of his own body' (Oo-er) like how Birdyboy warmed Mary up –shut up shut up shut up.

Anyway, my nub and gist was that I was worried he would drop me. I think he was too because he said, "Gee, if I put you down will you still come with me because you are really heavy,"

I said, "Are you calling me fat!?"

Dave said, "No, I think it's more the weight of your nunga nungas,"

Cheeky Cat.

We went up to the art classroom, before we went in Dave did that catholic protection cross. He is so over-dramatic.

I said, "What's so wrong with your class?"

He said, "Just look at them,"

He was quite right actually. One half of the class were probably homosexualists and the other half were all dark, emo and depressive.

Dave said, "I don't know which side to be more scared of," and we sat down on the empty table in the middle.

He got out his book and said, "We are doing 'emotions', you can bet both sides of the class had a field day with that,"

He flicked through his book. Virtually all the pictures were pencilled cartoons. Then again, I couldn't imagine the Laugh doing a big detailed picture of fruit or something..

He said, "We are working on the end piece now, we chose an emotion to work on, I chose fear,"

And he showed me the picture. It was half finished and in this classroom with the emos and homosexualists on opposite sides and a cartoon Dave in the middle screaming. It was the height of hilariousity. I couldn't stop laughing.

_**10 minutes later**_

I have stopped laughing. God, it's so boring in here. And quiet, I felt like I was going to have a spaz attack.

I said to Dave, "So do you just sit here not talking to anyone then?"

He said, "What type of retard do you take me for, Kittykat, of course I talk to them,"

I raised my eyebrows. I couldn't imagine Dave would have anything to talk about to them.

He said, "We have very intellectual and deep conversations, actually,"

I said, "Like what?"

He said, "Like this,"

And he turned to the emos, "Hey, have you seen any vampires recently?"

They snarled at him.

He turned to the homosexualists, "What shampoo do you use?"

And their hands went to their hair, like how Lindsay's hand does when we are doing the staring campaign.

The Teacher said, "Dave?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

_**15 minutes later**_

Same bat time. Same bat place.

I am so bored! It is quite literally the Valley of the Quite Boring in here, treading lightly in the Universe of the Very Dull. I am just folding pieces of paper up to make those little springs you can make. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Dave looked at me, "Bored?"

I said, "Yes, very,"

He said, holding up a paint brush, "Pretend you are going over to the sink to wash this, but look at the emos' work. I promise you, you won't be bored, but perhaps very disturbed,"

I took the paint brush and walked past the emos. _Sacré bleu_! And _Gott_ _im Himmel. _I think that a speck of counselling may be in order here. I don't think I have ever seen so much blood in one painting. I am probably going to have nightmares for the next weeks.

_**6 minutes later**_

Still vair vair bored. Some complete twit said a picture is worth a thousand words. Well my thousand would be bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored…you get the idea. If I write that anymore then I would practically be doing lines, and no one wants that.

Although I probably will get some for missing the presentation thing. Merde.

I said to Dave, "I am probably going to get lines tonight,"

He said, "Why?"

I said, "Because I missed that presentation situation-type fandango, Slim will go ape, in fact she would be quite literally jelloid gorilla,"

He said, in an 'innocent' way, "Why did you miss it then?"

I said, "Because a certain someone dragged me up the stairs to his art class,"

"Oh, and who would that be?"

He is soooo annoying!

I picked up one the paint brushes and flicked it against the paint pot. Yellow paint sprayed all over his face. He grabbed the other paint brush and did the same. I dipped mine in a huge glob of blue paint and flung it at him but I missed and hit one of the Homosexualists. It was, quite literally, an all out paint war from then on.

_**Lunch**_

Jas said, "Why are you and Dave covered in paint?"

I said, "We went to art,"

And she said, "Yes, so why are you covered in paint?"

Gadzooks. I am surrounded by _les idiots_.

_**End of Lunch**_

The boys started walking the other way from the school.

Jas said, "Isn't the next class that way?"

Dec said, "Yes, but we are bunking off,"

Jas looked a bit nervy (i.e. she was flicking her fringe like a loon). She is such a teacher's pet it is unbelievable. She didn't want to get into trouble but she still followed.

She said, "We shouldn't be doing this, we shouldn't be doing this,"

Tom said, "Don't worry, it's only RE,"

She seemed to calm down after that.

Rollo said, "Yeah, we've been banned from that lesson anyway because we were having a séance last time and freaked everyone out too much,"

Dave said, "But it was really just me under a sheet. It was hilarious to the extreme because I was hiding in the cupboard and some kid said, 'There's no such thing as ghosts' and I burst out of the cupboard, they virtually wet themselves,"

Dec said, "Spotty Norman _did_ wet himself,"

Dave said, "Yes, but I chose to forget that,"

Everyone sat down behind the bike sheds (!). I went to sit down but Rosie bunged her bag over by my feet and I ended up tripping over and falling onto Dave the Laugh's lap.

He said, "Whoa there missus, I may be newly single but I need a rebound first,"

Everyone laughed, and Dave just grinned at me. It was actually quite scary because he had a streak of black paint going from the corner of his mouth to his eyebrow and it looked like he had a demonic smile. Like some evil dummy from a horror movie. Although he still managed to look vair vair groovy..

I said to draw attention away from my beetrootosity, "What do you mean a rebound?"

Dave said, "When guys get dumped we don't mope and cry like girls, we get a rebound type girlfriend,"

Jools said, "Yes, but what is a rebound type girlfriend?"

Dave said, "Usually just some random girl you meet while out clubbing or somewhere and you just see how far you can get with her. To make you feel better about yourself. You don't really go out with a rebound more than a day,"

Us girls looked as shocked as two short shocked things.

Dave looked at us and shrugged, "You did ask,"

Blimey.

Then Dec said, "I've got them,"

And he got some sandwich bags out of his bag. Full of little white circles.

Oh. My. God.

I said, "What are those?!"

Dave said, "Drugs,"

"WHAT!?"

"Blimey, Kittykat, I am only joking, do you really think that I would be interested in anything like that?" he raised his eyebrows, "They are mints, try one,"

But I still felt unsure about it so I shook my head. Dave looked exasperated and ate it himself. Then he blew into my face.

It was a mint.

Rosie said, "What's so special about mints then?"

Rollo said, "These one's are really, really hot,"

Dec said, "We put lots in our mouths at the same time and see who can suck them for the longest without having to spit them out,"

As I have said many, many times: Boys are mad. We watched them kill themselves on the mints. They all had watery eyes and their cheeks bulged out like hamsters. Vair vair mad.

Because us girls are trés sophis, we talked about the flavours of lip gloss instead, I said, "I really don't know what flavour to wear when I see Masimo next, whether to keep it simple with strawberry or go full on fruit sundae?"

I passed around my two tubes for them to smell. Half the Ace Gang agreed on strawberry, the other half on sundae. On the whole they are very helpful. Not.

When we were leaving because it was the end of the day and were halfway across the playground Dave said, "Oh, I've left something back there, will you go help me find it, Kittykat?"

Jas said, "Yeah, Kittykat, go help him,"

She is so annoying. She is literally annoyosity personified. With an annoying fringe.

I went with him back to the bike sheds. When we got there I said, "So what have you forgotten?"

But then he pushed me against the bike sheds wall! I was going to give him the yellow card when he took the lip glosses out of my hand and put the strawberry one on my lips. Then he snogged me!

After a few minutes of number 5 I managed to push red bottomosity away and stopped snogging him.

I said, "Dave, what do you think you're doing?"

He said, "I am helping you decide which lip gloss to wear,"

I said, "You're mad,"

He said, "Georgia, you don't need to lure me by starting the 'you're mad' thing so I tickle you and then I snog you, you are going to get another snog anyway…although you can feel free to start it once we've finished testing the…Fruit Sundae flavour,"

Cheeky cat. No way am I going to snog him again- Bugger! My lips puckered up and before I knew it, I was attached to his mouth again. On the whole I seem to have very little control over myself. In the ye olde days, I would probably be put in the stocks. I am such a bad red bottomed minx- type cheater on Masimo. But on the other hand, Dave is vair vair good at this snogging business. Yummy Scrumboes.

Dave looked at me and said, "Hmmm, the final verdict of your lip gloss guinea pig is the sundae one, s'later Sex Kitty,"

And he stalked off. What? What! What?!

_**5.30pm**_

Should I wear sundae like Dave the Laugh said I should? But Masimo might not like the taste of the sundae. After all, he and Dave are two very different people. Two very, very, very different people. Completely different.

_**1 **__**minute later**_

So why do I like snogging both of them?

_**2 minutes later**_

Masimo might like sundae best though because it is more exotic and Masimo is the exotic luuurve God of Pizza-a-go-go land.

_**5 minutes later**_

Why am I so full of confusiosity about lip gloss?

_**4 minutes later**_

He probably will like strawberry best because it is less full frontal and sophis and the Italians of the Kings of Sophisiosity.

But on the other hand my Horn Meister (and now my apparent lip gloss guinea pig) said Sundae.

I'm suprised he could even taste the difference. His breathe was vair vair minty from those mints that he had been eating. Yummy Scrumboes.

_**3 minutes later**_

Cracked it. I'll mix them both together. A bit of Masimo and a bit of Dave the Laugh…

Shut up Brain! Shut up!

* * *

**Yay! Seven whole pages! Well actually six and a bit but still! My record chapter! I had more in my plan to write but I'll have to move it. SIX AND A BIT!! I suppose you waited long enough.**

**I am sorry I didn't update quickly been so busy busy busy. Was busy today (In a miniscule caravan with my family- until I stuck out and hid on a river bank, got covered in mud though) but I had keyboard withdrawal so bad. And I mean the computer sort not music. Lol! **

**Oh yes, the Jaybird/Mary book that Georgia mentions. It is Sorceress, sequel to Witch Child by Celia Rees. Very Good books. Shame I don't think there's a fanfiction bit for it.**

**Oh yes. The infamous glomp. GLOMP!! Hopefully everyone knows what glomping is (you certainly will if you are a pita ten fan). Anyway if you don't know, it is a type of hugging. Usually done by a running jump and landing on the err…victims…back and hugging them like a limpet until they run out of air. Or collapse under your weight. I am only telling you this because my friend lil Liss thought it was rape (I drew a picture of the glomp scene at the start of this fanfiction in my science book). She has a very disturbed mind. **

**Talking about disturbed. By no means in the art bit do I attempt to insult emos to anyone reading because (apart from the wrist slashing) I belong more to that label than any other label. It's just I take the mickey out of any label and that was appropriate!**

**Oh, I did my Spanish Exam. In fact it was four days ago now. And I got the same grade as Dave did! A B. But no I didn't use his I don't know thing. Didn't have the guts.**


	7. Imaginary Sheep

**Woop! I have uploaded a flick-animation type thing to Youtube of a cartoon Georgia Nicolson thing. It is quite funny, or so I think. Hopefully I'll get more done. It's a bit crap graphic wise and it's done with a combination of Paint, Powerpoint and Movie Maker but hey! It's the thought that counts, hm? Now I don't know whether this link will work but here goes /watch?vcPWiciZBfhw ****if It doesn't work then the video is called Georgie Nicks- Exploding Beetroots and Rocket Knickers!**

**Yipppppppeeee! ****I have read Stop in the name of Pants. In less than a day. Amazing. Don't worry, I won't ruin it for you.**

Argh, the link won't work.

* * *

**Imaginary Sheep**

_**Friday July 6**__**th**_

_**9.00am**_

I cannot believe it. It is unbelievable that is why. We are being made to do PE. With the boys. PE. Boys. Us in skimpy PE skirts. Running. Nungas akimbo. OhMyGiddyGod'sPyjamas.

_**1 minute later**_

Them in shorts. Phoar.

_**2 minutes later**_

Unless they have Herr Kamyer legs and in that case I would rather shove my head in a bag of eels than look at them.

I bet spotty Norman has Her Kamyer Legs. Actually, he probably has acne of the legs. Erlack a Pongoes. I must get that image out of my mind.

_**1 minute later**_

I wonder whether Dave has nice legs or not? I don't think I've ever seen his legs- Shut up Brain, Shut up! Once again I have ended up thinking about Dave in a groovy-lad-who-happens-to-be-a-mate way rather than a lad-mate-who-happens-to-be-groovy. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

_**3 minutes later**_

Rosie said to me, "Where are we getting changed? All the changing rooms are lad changing rooms,"

Good Point. Well made.

I told Miss Stamp (who looks a bit upset because she now has competition) "Miss, the changing rooms are for the boys, we can't get changed, why don't we sit on the side lines instead, watching the boys do PE and…err…referee?"

Miss Stamp said, "Oh, don't worry Miss Nicolson, there is a classroom which is empty, the girls will get changed in there,"

Poo.

Jools said, "Nice try,"

_**Getting Changed**_

At least there won't be any running into the showers like a loon trying to avoid the lesbian _Ober-führer_ type fandango as in the average classroom there are no showers. On the bad side we are all going to be vair vair pingy pongoes.

We were getting our PE tops on when suddenly some girls started screaming like short screaming things on screaming tablets. There was a little window on the classroom door and Mark Big Gob and his crew were staring through it. At us. With no tops on. Oh.My.God!

I said to Miss Stamp (who was 'over seeing') "The boys keep trying to watch us!"

And she said, "Don't be so childish,"

Me? Childish?! When have you ever known me to be childish?

_**30 seconds later**_

Don't answer that.

_**2 minutes later**_

Have you ever tried getting changed under a table? Well, let me just say this. Don't. My head hurts like billio because I keep bashing it. Ow.

_**PE**_

When we got out, the boys were being made to run around in a big circle. Apart from Dave the Laugh and his crew who burst out of some bushes when we walked past. With mud streaked across their cheeks like army-type people.

Dave said, "Very nice PE skirt Gee, shame it's not windy," and he grinned. There is something about him that reeks of naughtinosity. Then I started thinking about the leg thing and I had to kind of stare into his eyes because otherwise I might be accused of looking at his trouser snake area rather than his legs. And no one wants that. But looking him in the eye made me think of snogging which is a big No-No type area so I stared at his shoulder instead.

He just stared at me staring at his shoulder. It was like a staring fest. Then he looked at his shoulder and looked _trés_ confused.

He said, "Shoulder are quite a strange thing to find attractive, Gee, but if that floats your boat then each to their own I say,"

And he walked off, still looking at his shoulder in a confused sort of way.

_**1 minute later**_

Hahahaha. I just used the staring campaign on the Laugh without realising. And it worked. He keeps looking at his shoulder, trying to figure out why I was staring at it. _Trés Amusante_!

_**10 minutes later**_

Have you ever played Rounders? Well the boys don't play hockey (or football because it got too violent last time, apparently) they play Rounders. There are two teams and one 'Fields' and one 'Bats'. The Batters have to hit the ball then they run around some posts like a loon and the Fielders have to get the ball and hit the post in front of the batter (who is running like a loon) to get them out. If the batter gets all the way round they get a rounder. Do you see? No? Neither do I. As I would say to anyone who would listen (i.e. no one): It is all just a ploy to see a bit of Nunga Nunga wobbling.

It is boys vs. girls. Or Trouser Snakes vs. Nunga Nungas as Rosie put it. She is so full of maturiosity.

Boys are fielding. Dave is on last post (nearest the Batters-in-waiting) so basically that means he flirts and swishes the post at things.

Jas wanted to bat first. She was all keen and fringey. Her fringe is getting quite alarming now. I'm surprised she could even see the ball. She hit it behind her into us. It got wedged down Melanie Griffiths top. In between her basoomas. Honestly.

Dave the Laugh said, "Do you need a hand there?"

When Jas came back round I said, "You have quite bad aim Jas, any further left you could have taken off one of Melanie's nungas, she was very nearly quite nunga-less, although I suppose she could have a new one crafted from her other one. There's enough of it,"

Jas said in a vair huffy type of way, "I would like to see you do any better, Gee,"

So I took the next turn. After I was lectured for a centaury on how to hold the bat, Mark Big Gob (who some silly fule decided would be a marvy bowler but they were…err…wrong) bowled the ball over to me. I missed it. He bowled again. I missed. And again. And again.

Mark Big Gob said, "It must be your huge Nunga Nungas getting in the way,"

Oh he is so annoying! I can't help it that my nungas are so big. They are beacons of first water attracting all the sad sods of the universe. I can't believe I let him rest his hand on my nunga. He is so disgusting. I hate him, I HATE him.

And that is when I hit the ball and it flew back at Mark. And hit him smack bang in his gigantic gob.

It knocked him out.

Dave the Laugh was absolutely beside himself with laughter. Well, everyone was, but you could here Dave laughing like a loon on loon tablets on top of everyone. It wasn't even normal laughing: it was choking and spluttering laughing. Like it was the tip of the top of hilariousity.

It was.

Dave had to hold onto the post to stop himself falling over.

_**1 minute later**_

Dave has broken the post by leaning on it.

_**Break **_

Dave has recovered(ish) from his Laughing Spas.

He said, "Nice shot, Gee,"

And pissed himself laughing again. What is the matter with guys? Just because Mark Big Gob's mouth swelled up twice it's normal size.

I think he may be having a watsit. A post-dumped madness.

_**Design Tech.**_

The boys have a lesson where they have to make things. Out of wood and stuff. Honestly, it is like a living reminder of the stone age. Me and the Ace Gang are hibernating by the windows, as not to breathe in the sawdust as it would cause us to have sore throats which would be a disaster snogging wise.

Dave the L and his crew have disappeared around the corner (the room is an L shape)

_**10 minutes later**_

There are occasional yelps of pain from around the corner.

What fresh hell?

_**2 minutes later**_

I have too much pridinosity to see what they are doing.

_**1 minute later**_

Went around the corner to see what they were doing. Dave and crew and others were sat around a table. Which is as normal as a normal thing in normal land. Apart from the fact that they all had one hand in the middle of the table and had a hammer each in the other hand.

What?

I said, leaning on the edge of the table, "What in the name of Slims gigantic pantyhose are you doing?"

Rollo said, "We are playing hammer hands,"

Dave nodded in a wise way, "We take it in turns to try and hit someone's hand with the hammer but they have to pull away,"

Dec said, "Otherwise you are out,"

Dave said, "And it hurts like the buggeration,"

Boys are vair vair mad.

Jas came over and I explained to her.

She said, "But that's stupid,"

I said, "I know,"

She said, "So why are they doing it?"

I said, "Because it is their idea of fun,"

She said, "But it isn't very fun. They are hurting themselves. It is stupid, why are you letting them?"

I said, "I KNOW Jas, I did not tell them to do it. I am merely trying to explain to you. I think it is stupid too. It is the height of stupidos-"

"WATCH OUT, GEE!"

Dave the Laugh put his hand on top of mine (which I had put on the table without thinking) just as a hammer came down on them.

Straight onto Dave's hand.

But my hand was fine. As fine as two fine things in fine land.

I looked at Dave. Everyone looked at Dave. And he just looked into space, making a face which was disturbingly similar to Jas' lip spasm.

Dave was frozen still. Not even breathing. It was like a PANTS in time.

Then Dave said, in a really small, quiet voice.

"Ow…"

_**3 minutes later**_

Dave has been sent down to medical because the teacher noticed his hand. Which was vair vair swollen. Everything seems to be swelling up today…Oo-er. No, my nub and gist is that Dave's hand has swollen up and Mark Big Gob's big gob swelled up. Thankfully my red bottom was keeping a low profile. Sort of. Although I did feel a bit funny about Dave protecting me. It may have been the Horn. Get-eth thee behindeth me thou dreadfulee Horn!

Dave said as he left, "Say bye-bye to my hand as it may be the last you will see of it. Apart from pickled in a jar as souvenir of my up-coming amputation,"

We all said bye to Dave's hand.

_**5 minutes later**_

I said to Jas, "Dave is so nice protecting me like that. Even though he hurt his handy. He is probably quite literally in aggers. Possibly in aggerosity land. He will most probably have to have his hand amputated now and he will be Dave the Stump. And he sacrificed his hand for me. He is very much niciosity personified isn't he? I must thank him. With the whole cadoodles. A cake, a card, a thank you banner a-"

"A quick number six?" And she laughed in a mean way.

_**Lunch**_

Sven came Svening at us down the lunch queue. He is spectacularly mad. And Danish. Or Norwegian. Or Viking.

What is he?

So I decided to take the bullet by the horns and I said, "Sven, where are you from?"

And he said, "Oh Ja! I came out of the ward today!"

And picked Rosie up and snogged her. While people were eating.

_**1 minute later**_

We decided to go hungry. Errrg. I feel sick.

_**5 minutes later**_

The boys had a bit of a kick about while us girls just hung about in the side lines. It was quite odd having people to talk to rather than them being super glued to their so called boyfriends' mouths. They have no pridinosity.

Actually, quite a lot of pridinosity has gone quite literally up shi cree without a padd. It is a snoggers' rave in the playground. Full of snogging snoggers snogging.

Then I saw something that would scar my girlhood for foreverdom.

Nauseating P Green and Phil the Nerd.

Number 5.

Erlack a Pongoes! And ew, ew, ew!

_**1 minute later**_

I said to Rosie, "It is actually quite sweet actually. The both of them are so hideously socially rejected that they are perfect for each other,"

Rosie said, "Let's check their compatibility,"

Have you ever checked anyone's compatibility? You know, when you count up the Ls, Os, Vs, Es and Ss in their first names and then add the numbers up until you get a percentage-type number? Just nod and smile and let the PANTS do the talking.

Anyway, the percentages go as:

**0-10...Who's you?**

**10-20...Hello...**

**20-30...Casuals**

**30-40...Matie Mates**

**40-50...Crushing**

**50-60...Sweet 'n' Sour**

**60-70...Something there**

**70-80...Dreamy**

**80-90...Luuurve**

**90-100...Soulmates**

As you can see it is a highly intelligent and sophis scale. People say teenagers do nothing but we are really vair vair clever. And also we are practicing maths by adding up…yippee…

_**2 minutes later**_

Rosie worked out P Green's and Phil the Nerd's percentage. It was 63 percent (Something there). Poor P. Green, that means she may be on the Rack of Luuurve soon.

I said that to Rosie, "Only a 'Something there', she may be on the rack of luuurve soon,"

Rosie said, "Maybe she has brought too many cakes?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

Rosie (Match Maker) said wisely, "Yes, she is 89 percent with Spotty Norman,"

Erlack! There may be fisticuffs at dawn. For the luuurve of P. Green.

_**6 minutes later**_

Rosie has really got into this compatibility stuff. Her books are full of little numbers. Anyone would think she was a maths geek. And we would have to kill her.

She is over the moon because she was 93 percent with Sven, which is soulmates. I feel a bit miz because me and the gorgey Italian Stallion are only 'Dreamy'. Hmm.

_**1 minute later**_

I have accidentally found myself doing compatibility things. And guess what? The vole couple are only 11 percent! Honestly! Jas has gone into the mega hump. She can blame the Romans or whoever for making numbers. It isn't my fault.

Herr Kamyer and Miss Wilson are 70 percent.

Then Rosie said, "I am going to do you and Dave the Laugh,"

What? _Exusen Moi! _Do I get a say in this? The answer is no.

Ho hum Pigs Bum. We will be in the 'Matie Mates' category for deffos.

_**2 minutes later**_

I cannot believe it. It is unbelievable that is why.

_**1 minute later**_

90 percent. That is in the Soulmates category. Oh my Giddy God's Uncle's Dog's Friend's Sister's Watsit.

Well, it is only just in the Soulmate-type category, as pointed out to Jas.

She said, "And only just out of the Luuurve Category,"

Blimey O' Reily's Trousers!

It must be wrong.

_**30 seconds later**_

I checked it. It's right. Stupid numbers. Now everyone was staring at me. Shut up staring.

To take the umph and the awkwardosity out of the situation I did another compatibility watsit.

Dave is 73 percent compatible with P. Green.

Poor Guy.

_**1 minute later**_

Me and Dave could not possibly be 90 percent. That is wrong. And quite impossible.

_**3 minute later**_

As if he had been earwigging on my thoughts, the Laugh himself showed up. He had an ice pack on his hand.

I said, "I see you have not had the chop then? Sir Stumpy?"

He said, "Nope,"

His mates came over to poke his hand. Like it was a dead badger or something.

Dave said, in-between being poked, "I am quite amazed with the medical standards. I am glad to know where all the taxes go to. Best medical advice I've ever heard: take a couple of pain killers and strap this to your hand,"

I said, with concernosity, "Is that all they did?"

Dave said, "I said that to them, I said 'Is this all?' and they said in a sarcastic-type way, 'Yes, unless you would like us to rush you off to hospital to have a pain killing injection' and I said, 'No I will not have an injection because quite frankly I would rather shove my head in a-"

And Dec (who tore himself away from poking duties) said, "You don't like needles do you?"

Dave said, "Not, particularly,"

Rollo said, "Yes, when we were in first school, you wouldn't let them give you the meningitis jab,"

Dave said, "I am not having them shove a needle in me, I would prefer to take my chances,"

Which I didn't was a very good idea. He could end up brain dead. Which, to be honest, may be an improvement, shut up brain, shut up!

I said, to change the subject (because even I was feeling a bit cringey), "Dave, we have been doing compatibility tests and you and Nauseating P. Green got a 'Dreamy' rating,"

Dave said, "Ah, but of course,"

I said, "But of course what? Have you seen how fat she is?"

Dave said, "Have you ever heard the phrase 'Love handles'?"

"Dave! That is disgusting!"

He shrugged. Then, when his mates disappeared off to 'let the cripple-hand rest', Dave grinned and said, "Test our compatibility, Kittykat,"

Merde. I couldn't let him know the 90 percent type fandango. Because it would be the 'And that is why I love you' scenario all over again. Jas was looking at me like the Wise Woman of the Forest but more annoying.

But then I decided to do 'Kittykat and Laugh' rather than 'Georgia and Dave'.

Right…One L, No Os, No Vs, No Es and No Ss…

1-0-0-0-0

1-0-0-0

1-0-0

What?!

100.

Like 100 percent? Oh Merde! Poo, Poo, POO!! Dave had been watching me over my shoulder while I worked it out.

A 100 percent compatible. Oh. My. God.

Dave just said, "Wow,"

_**5 minutes later**_

He will not let it lie. At all. I am very tempted to hit him in the cripple-hand and see what he thinks about that.

_**1 minute later**_

It must be wrong.

_**Maths**_

Stupid Compatibility Test.

I blame Rosie entirely. If she hadn't started this off then this wouldn't have happened.

_**German**_

Dave has finally shut up. Which was good because I was on the edge of a Nervy B. He can be so annoying. Sometimes I want to strangle him. Even if he is my apparent 'Soulmate'. Huh.

Anyway, we have the delights of having Herr Kamyer teaching us today. Introducing the boys to the wonders of the Kochs.

Dave the Laugh is entranced beyond beliefinosty. He has stored it in his brainbox along with the word PANTS. Unfortunately, his brainbox is not very secure and they keep popping out.

As in the improved version of "The Kochs are alive with the sound of PANTS,"

Vair amusante.

As I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself; his brain box is very insecure. And quite odd. And full of rubbish. As I found out in our _sehr interesante_ conversation during a burst of Camping Madness by the Herr.

I asked Dave in a funosity type way, "So which, in your humble opinion is the best word? Koch or PANTS,"

Dave said, "Yes, Ok,"

What in the name of Herr Kamyers furry pegs is he on about?

I said, "Yes, Ok? What sort of answer is that?"

And Dave said, "Oh, Sorry, I was just listening to music in my brain,"

I gave him my most confused look.

He nodded in what he presumed was a Sophis way (it wasn't), "When I can't be bothered to pay attention to anything I have perfected a way of listening to music in my head, but I still look like I'm listening, it is like an Earth Calling Dave type thing,"

I said, "Dave, I think it is not a hammer to the hand you needed but rather a hammer to the head, you have been incredibly irritating today, even by your standards,"

Dave carried on, "But what I want most is some of those glasses. With pictures of eyes not lenses. And then I could go to sleep and no one would know any different,"

Rollo said, "Unless you started snoring,"

"I don't snore,"

Rollo said, "Well, actually, you don't but you do sleep talk,"

"How do you know? Have you been watching me sleep? Urrr! That is disgusting Rollo, I may never be able to sleep again,"

Rollo looked a bit annoyed, "No, you were talking a lot in your sleep in the car,"

"Before you attacked me,"

"Yes,"

"What was I saying?"

"Well, err, most of it was mumbled, but you were saying-"

Tom suddenly said, "Rollo!" In a warning type of way.

Rollo by this time was trying not to burst into laughter, "You were-"

Tom said, "Rollo…"

"You-"

"Rollo!"

"You were having an argument with a sheep over a spoon,"

Tom said, "Oh, I thought- Oh, that's ok,"

Dec said, "It is Ok to argue with sheep over spoons? I didn't think so, thought it was rather mad personally,"

Dave said, "Please don't talk about my Imaginary Sheep friend so rudely, you may upset it, I know you cannot see it but it is crying, you have insulted it,"

_**30 seconds later**_

Dave made Dec apologise to the imaginary sheep that is apparently crying in the corner. He has really lost his marbles today. Or more accurately, he has lost the bag to keep them in and his marbles are rolling around ad-hoc. He has reached the height of madnosity. He probably has that Meningitis Disease type thing from not having the jab. Because he is scared of needles. Hahaha.

I said to Dave, "You really are vair vair mad today, you are quite literally maddus-loonus,"

Dave said, "Oh, I think it must be the pain killers, I do feel quite light headed,"

_**Hometime**_

Dave and some of his mates have disappeared off the Pe Hall. To hang upside down from the gym bars. To make Dave's head stop feeling light. By making all the blood rush into it. Where is the logic in that?

I told Jas that and she said he will end up knocking himself out. She has no funosity and _joié de vivre._

_**6 minutes later**_

Dratty, drat, drat. Hawkeye alert! I really don't know why Foxwoods agreed to let her teach there for a bit while Stalag 14 was rebuilt. She is quite literally evilnosity personified. Even the boys are scared of her.

Jools came panting over to me like a panting thing on panting tablets, "She is going to go balisticimus at you for not working on the presentation, she is telling people to look for you,"

Merde. She was at the gates. I said to Jools, "Is there anyway out apart from that gate?"

Jools shook her head, "I don't think so, Rollo told me that they built the fence all the way around the school after some guys put the banger down the loos in Stalag 14…do you remember that?"

But I was too busy thinking about making my Grunt Escape to be remembering. The rest of the Ace Gang went off without me. Some friends.

Hmmm. There is only one nub forward. I must ask Dave the Laugh whether he knows any secret passage ways or has any flying glass elevators.

_**1 minute later**_

Or I could strap myself to the belly of his imaginary sheep and escape like that Greek Chap did from the giant. And Hawkeye would say, "Where in the wool has she gone?" Hahahaha. Shut up Brain.

_**Gym**_

When I got to the gym I saw Dave the Laugh, Dec and Rollo hanging upside down from the gym bars. With their shirts all flapping in front of their faces. Because of the Gravy-Tea as Libby called it when I tried to explain to her why Gordy can't fly. They were very red in the faces. Like friendly red setters. They would make their heads swell up at this rate. ShutupShutup, enough with this swelling business (Oo-er).

I was going over to say 'Hi' when Dec said, "I think I have got a good stomach. I have been doing sit ups and stuff,"

And Rollo said, "I go to the gym, much better there, look at my muscles,"

Dave said, "You two can suffer your rigorous exercises but I am a naturally good stomach-muscles type person,"

It was hilarious to the extreme. They were comparing stomach muscles! And they say girls are superficial. I hid behind the piled up equipment by the door. I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud and I ended up having some sort of twitching fit. So I looked like a twitching loon in a skirt. It was vair vair funny (them not me). Is this what boys are like when there aren't any girly type folk to impress?

Dec said, "No, seriously, my stomach muscles are rock hard, I worked really hard for them and everything,"

Dave punched Dec in the stomach, in a boy way of seeing. Then he said, "Oh Buggery bloody Ouch! Crappy Flipping Damny Ouch Ouch Ouch!!"

He had punched him with his cripple-hand.

They looked at him.

Dave said, "My hand really hurts,"

Dec said, "Why did you put it under the hammer then, you idiot,"

Dave said, "I couldn't let Gee get hit could I?"

Rollo said, "Oh no, _of course _you couldn't,"

And him and Dec did that nudge, nudge, wink, wink thing.

Dave said, "What is that supposed to mean?"

Rollo said, "You luuurve her,"

Maybe it was my imagination or the fact that he was hanging upside down, but Dave did seem to go a bit red(der) at that.

Dave said, "Yes, Whatever, Alien Rollo,"

Dec said, "It's true, you are always snogging her and stuff, and you're really nice to her and you look out for her,"

Bloody Nora. They were talking about me. Shut up talking about me.

Rollo said, "And you went back to her after she used you as a Red Herring. Which no boy should do. But you did, so you obviously luuurve her otherwise you would have never seen her again,"

Dave said, "Of course I don't luuurve her! Who do you think I am? It's…err…all a revenge plan."

What?

Rollo and Dec were obviously thinking the same as me because they looked at him.

Dave nodded in a wise way, "It is to get my own back for all the Red Herring rubbish, err…she used me to get to Robbie and she treated me like PANTS so I decided I would wreck her relationship with Robbie,"

What!?

Dec said, "Blimey, I never thought it was anything like that!"

Rollo said, "Hang about a moment- heheh get it? Hang about? Oh never mind! Georgia's going out with the Italian Homosexualist isn't she? Yet you are still at it,"

Dave said, "Oo-er,"

Dec said, "Rollo's right,"

Dave said, "I never actually got a chance to put my PANTS into action did I? Because he moved away before I had chance. So I'll take it out on her and the Handbag Horse,"

Dec said, "But you are nice to her,"

Dave said, "It's a…err…false security watsit isn't it? Make her feel all trusting towards me so it will hurt doubly when I strike,"

I couldn't listen anymore. I snuck off back out the gym.

I could not believe it. It was unbelievable that is why.

Dave. Hates me. Revenge. It all. Oh. My. God.

_**10 minutes later**_

_**Running past Hawkeye.**_

He. Pretending. Hate me. Red Herring. Revenge. Trusting. Wreck Relationship. Revenge.

OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod.

No! Shutup brain! I need to think. He can't mean it can he?

_**2 minutes later**_

He does, he does, he does. OhmyGiddyGodsPyjamas. Everything. Everything he's ever done for me, said to me. A lie. A big fat cold lie!

I hate him!

When he was down by the river he said he loved me. He didn't.

He said that me and him should have been together stuff. He lied.

The 'I-can't-get-over-you' stuff at the party. Ages ago. He was pretending.

I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!

I got out my maths book where the 100 thing was. And I ripped it. Into tiny little pieces. I wanted to rip him. How dare he? That was worse than the red herring business. Some elderly bint was staring at me from across the road. Like I was an exhibity girl. ShutupStaring you mad old bint.

I shouted, "I HATE HIM,"

And she nearly dropped her hand bag in fright. Good.

_**3 minutes later**_

I feel like smashing everything. I am going to end up like one of the Blunder Boys. I would be a Blunder Girl. And hopefully I would get in a fight with Dave the so called Laugh and get _my_ own back.

How dare he? How DARE he?

_**6 minutes later**_

I can barely see. My eyes are all blubbing and watery.

_**Home**_

_**My Bed of Pain and now excruciating Aggers.**_

He was supposed to Luuurve me. He said it. He said it. But he didn't mean it. He. I.

_**5 minutes later**_

I feel as lonely as a clud. I should be a good thing that I hate him as I'd be Masimo's red bottom free girlfriend. But I feel…I don't know. Empty.

I always thought Dave would be there. Lurking in a Dave the Laugh type of way. Waiting for a chance to snog me.

I didn't think that he was ever planning…calculating…coldly how to ruin my life.

_**1 minute later**_

I hate him.

_**30 seconds later**_

No, I love him.

_**1 minute later**_

Wait a cotton-picking minute. What in the name of Libby's Cold Bottom did I just say?!

_**4 minutes later**_

I don't love Dave the Laugh. Do I?

He was a brilliant mate.

Quite Groovy looking.

He made me laugh.

Lots.

And his nip libbling was fantastic.

_**3 minutes later**_

I will never be nip libbled again.

_**1 minute later**_

OhmyGiddyGod.

Maybe…

Maybe I do love him.

And that was all his plan. To get me to love him. And then ruin my life.

I am in such a state of confusiosity.

I must speak to someone sane.

_**3 minutes later**_

I can't speak to Jas. She'll be all smug and happy. She probably say 'Look where red bottomosity has got you! I bet you had big knickers to cover that bottom now! You are literally in vole poo, Loser, Loser,'

I hate her.

I will phone Rosie.

_**2 minutes later**_

Phoned Rosie.

"Rosie, I-I,"

Then I heard Sven yelling 'Oh Jah, Oh Jah!'

And Rosie said, "Sven, you sexy Viking Beast, put the tinsel down!"

And I could hear slurpy snogging noises. I couldn't bear it. I slammed the phone down.

_**3 minutes later**_

The phone is ringing. It is probably Rosie calling back. Or Dave the Laugh wanting to explain. Or more likely, rub it in.

Although, he doesn't even know that I know that he is just getting revenge. He still thinks I will naïvely follow his plans willy-nilly and ad-hoc.

He makes me SICK.

_**6 minutes later**_

I am never ever going to come out of my bed. I am going to lie here until I die. I would kill myself but I'm too depressed.

How could he?

* * *

**Ooh, turny plot type chapter. Don't worry fellow Dave luvvers, he won't be the bad guy for long. But I don't want to say more.**

**I feel a bit miz myself actually. About Stop in the Name of Pants. I feel, a bit disappointed I suppose, but I won't say why because I don't want to ruin it for you. **

**Anyway. I am on my twelfth word doc page in this chappy. Amazing!**

**SMAMMER SMANDS (that came from me and my friend Vinnie2757 talking about it but she went a bit demented in the speech department briefly and said smammer smands so now you know)**

**All those percentages were worked out in that way by moi and my excel doc that does it all for me. So I don't waste paper. Save those trees! Recycle!**

**Kittykat loves Laugh is REALLY 100. Amazing.**


	8. Easter Bunny gone Mad

**Phew! What a day. Knackered. Did some proof reading of Italian and Dutch. Even though I don't speak Italian or ****Dutch. But I want to learn Dutch. It's more funnier than German! A spark plug is a **_**bougie**_**! Tip top!**

**Anyway, I'm glad you could see Dave was lying. But poor old Georgia can't…**

**Hmp. I've just realised I thought that Luuurve is a Many Trousered thing ended sometime in June. But it was in July. My bad. But I can't change it because the effect of the story (i.e. they would be on the summer hols) would be ruined. Not that the dates particularly matter.**

**Just to put this in because I don't know whether I put it in last chapter- on the compatibility thing, the percent signs wouldn't come out- the doc thing kept deleting them.**

**

* * *

****Easter Bunny gone Mad.**

_**Saturday July 7**__**th**_

_**9.00am**_

I am never going to get up again. Ever.

I am just going to lie here and let my skin grow attached to my bed

Erlack! That is disgusting.

_**3 minutes later**_

How could Dave be so horrible?

_**6 minutes later**_

Suppose I can't blame him though. I led him on when he was my decoy duck. I plotted behind his back like a cold sort of person. I am just as horrible.

Alls fair in loves PANTS.

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh Well. I have my gorgy exotic Luuurve God/ Italian Stallion. Who is coming back on Tuesday from Pizza-a-go-go land. The land of fabbiosity. Yes, yes and three time YES.

Or as he would say, _Sí, Sí e tre voltas Sí!_

I wonder whether he would get a tan? He already has really nice olive type skin. That is how exotic he is. No one in England gets a decent tan. We don't have enough sun for one thing.

Dave the Laugh is a bit on the pale side anyway. Although not pimply type pale. Billy-Shakespeare land type pale. But he is pale in the grand PANTS of things and that is the nub and the gist.

And I bet he would go red and burnt if he tried to tan. Because he is not a marvy Italian Stallion.

_**3 minutes later**_

He is a cold hearted, evil and mean pig.

_**6 minutes later**_

I really should start a farm up. With the Italian Stallion, Dave the Pig, Uber Cow Lindsay, Vole Queen Jas, Sven the Swedish Type Mountain Goat and Fat Cat Slim. I could even have slavey boy The Dame as my sheep dog.

_**2 minutes later**_

Gee McNicolson had a farm,

Ei-i-ei-i-O!

And on that farm she had Italian Stallion,

Ei-i-ei-i-O!

With a 'Ciao, Ciao' here

And a 'Ciao, Ciao' there

Here a 'Ciao'

There a 'Ciao'

Everywhere a 'Ciao, Ciao,'

Gee McNicolson had a farm

Ei-i-ei-i-PANTS!

_**4 minutes later**_

I have PANTS on the brain. It is Dave's fault.

It was properly part of his evil plan. To get me to say his words so I can not forget him.

Which means I can never say piddly diddly department again.

_**1 minute later**_

I bet it was part of his plan to break my confidence and _joié de vivre_ and everything as well. In which case I will not do that. I am going to be an icon of maturiosity, glaciousity and heartlessonosity.

_**3 minutes later**_

Rosie's animal party is later. An excellent opportunity.

_**4 minutes later**_

The Mallet of Watsit has just hit me. I have not got a costume to wear.

Oh Merde. And it is like the Luddite Riots down stairs- ie. Libby and the Kittykats have become Loony Luddites. They would start smashing up sowing machines. If we had one.

Anyway, as I was saying, there is no chance in Slims giant undercrackers that I could make a costume in all this hullabaloo.

_**2 minutes later**_

Swindled some money off Mutti to buy a costume. Maybe I'll have enough change to buy a new lip gloss too.

_**30 seconds later**_

I have thrown my Fruit Sundae lip gloss away. Seeing as Dave the Laugh says it is his favourite. He can go and snog a real fruit sundae if he likes it that much. Stupid Dave.

_**Costume Shop**_

As all the Fashion-Guru people say, basic is good, so I brought a cat suit. Jas will probably think I am stealing her style via when she went as a cat to the fancy dress party. And I went as an olive.

I have so much more funosity about me.

And much more sensiosity to buy my actual size. She lied because the boy behind the counter was quite cool looking and she ended up with ridges on her neck.

_**1 minute later**_

Unfortunately, it didn't cut off the oxygen supply to her brain. That would have saved us a lot of hassle.

_**1.30pm**_

I do not know what Mutti has been feeding Libby on but what ever it is, it is not normal. How can so much fart come out of such a little girl? She virtually hovered on her seat when it exploded from her bum 'oley. The whole thing is a bloody mystery. And vair pingy pongoes. Erlack.

Luckily, this time she was not sat on my lap. But poor old Cross-Eyed Gordy was sat behind her. He was pretty much gassed to death.

_**1 minute later**_

Is it normal for a five year old to be able to fart the alphabet?

_**6 minutes later**_

Is anything normal? How do we know if anything is real? How do we know whether we aren't some brain in a jar in a laboratory? Having a dream? Which would mean no evil Dave. But on the bad side of the brook, no Masimo.

Everything could be made up.

I have really freaked myself out now, I must do mad dancing to calm down.

_**1.45pm**_

Uh-Oh. Uncle Eddie alert. Naturally, the Elderly Loons had to loon into my bedroom.

They were wearing t-shirts with clown cars on them. How sad?

They came in and Uncle Eddie said, "What did the bra say to the hat?"

I was about to tell them to go annoy Libby or the Pope or someone who cares when Uncle Eddie said, "You go ahead while I give these two a lift! Get it?! Give these two a lift? The bra is giving the tits a lift!"

Erlack a Pongoes! My ears feel like prostitutes! How dare he talk about nunga nungas in front of me? I'm at a very impressionable age. This type of talk might scar me for life.

I said to them, in a digniosity, "Uncle Eddie would you please leave this room. Because, as it happens, it is _my_ room. Believe it or not that is _le_ fact. And you are in _my_ room. Without a valid reason. And also your head is a breach of health and safety measures. It is very shiny and I am being blinded. So thank you. Good bye,"

Eventually (i.e. I am now about fifty) they went looning off to blind someone else.

_**5 minutes later**_

I may suggest he does his impression of a dalek again, and he sticks one of Libby's suction rattles on his head. And gets it stuck again. Good Times.

_**3.20pm**_

Ellen, the ditherama queen rang.

I said, "Ach! Welcome to Gee McNicolson's farm m' rootlin' tootlin' townie, where every bloomin' bumpkin makes a difference,"

But she didn't get it.

She said, "Is that you, Gee? Or have I…erm, got, like, the wrong number? Or is it the right one?"

I said, to save her rambling on for the next millennium, "Hi, Ellen,"

She said, "Oh, yes, I thought…erm, you said you were on a, you know, farm and err, are you in now? I mean, like, are you back from the farm?"

I said, "No, I am still at the farm, I am feeding a baby pig,"

She said, "Oh? Really? So…err…"

I said, "ELLEN! HOW COULD I ANSWER THE PHONE IF I WAS AT A FARM?!"

Blimey O'Reily's pantyhose. I am surrounded by _les idiots_.

She said, "Oh, err, ok,"

And there was a bit of silence. Had she had such a tizz that she had forgotten how to speak?

I said, "Ellen? Are you still there?"

She said, "Err, yes…I think I am,"

What kind of answer is that? I think I am? How can you not know whether you are on the phone or not?

Ellen said, "Should I go as butterfly? Or shouldn't I? I mean, I found some wings, from, err…you know, when I was little, I…err…used to play, that game, you know, dress up but now I don't. And err…yes?"

I think the rough translation of that is 'Should I go to the party as a butterfly?'

I said, "Ellen, the theme is 'animals', a butterfly is not an animal, it is an insect,"

She said, "Isn't it? I thought, like... you know, is it a plant or something, then?"

I said, "I am not Jas, Ellen,"

She said, "I know that, you aren't like, err, Jas, you are Georgia, I think,"

I said, "No, I have changed my name to Geoffrey,"

She said, "Are you err, like a guy, err, Geoffrey? Can I please speak to Georgia?"

I said, "Ellen! Ellen! It is me, Georgia! Wake up and smell the coffee! What do you want to tell me?"

"Dec is going as an octopus,"

Good Grief. I could hear her practically blushing down the phone.

_**3 minutes later**_

It is nice to see she is over Dave the Laugh. Because that means he is now destined to be a lonely clud walking through the Universe of the Very Quite Lonely. He doesn't have Ellen dribbling over him anymore and he has split up with Emma. And of course, he has lost me. Not that he ever had me.

Anyway, the nub and gist is that he's going to live for ever all aloney, on his owny without any luuurve. Which is good.

_**4 minutes later**_

He'll have to end up like Uncle Eddie. Become senselessly bald and a stripper to get women's attention. He will be the laugh-o-gram.

_**3 minutes later**_

Typico. I have now got a picture of Dave as a Laugh-O-Gram in my head. Get out! Get out!

_**5.00pm**_

I best start getting ready. If I am to be a heartless babe magnet I need to look tip-top Sex Kitty-wise.

Which means, face pack, bath and plucking to an inch of my life to eradicate all signs of the Orang-utan gene.

_**3 minutes later**_

Dave will wish he never decided to get revenge on me.

_**7.00pm**_

Lurker Free? Check.

Baldy Monkey not Orang-utan? I've done my best.

Hair full of volumosity? Check.

Make up? Check.

Make up wise I like to think I have done very well achieving the Kittykat look. That is what I like to think. And I think I think with a good way of thinking. If you know what I mean and I think you do. I looked in the mirror and thought phoar! I am literally sex-kittiosity personified. I could quite possibly snog myself.

Oh dear God, please don't let me be like that man who spent his whole life looking at his reflection. You know. Narcisafellow.

Anyway. I have done my eye liner with little flicks at the side of my eyes. It makes me look like I have the touch of the Egyptian in my genes.

Dave would say, "Oh my Cleo-cat-ra of first water, I am so sorry for treating you so bad,"

And I would say, "Loser! Loser! Three times loser!"

Hahahahahaha. I think I am a bit hysterical. Is that a sign of grieving?

I am sure Mutti would have it in one of her vair vair good books full of wisdomosity, somewhere.

_**3 minutes later**_

It says that someone called Kübler-Ross made the five stages of grieving for when something devastating happens (such as my nose grows even bigger:

Denial (My nose isn't big!), Anger (It is all Vati's fault my nose is big), Bargaining (Jesus if I promise to always go to church will you shrink my nose?), Depression (I can't believe my nose is so big) but then acceptance (I love my nose!). Nothing about hystericalosity.

But what we must remember is that someone called Kübler-Ross sounds a bit on the Lederhosen-a-go-go-enese side and therefore, not sane.

_**10 minutes later**_

Buggeration-a-go-go! Is it possibly for the costume to shrink on the way back from the shop? I could barely fit into it. I felt like it was made for a child. I had to get Mutti to do up the back zip for me.

She said, "Gee, are you sure it is your size?"

Oh no. Not the Scotland Yard Interrogation from Detector Mad.

I said, "Yes,"

She said, "It just looks a bit small. In fact, it looks like something Libby would wear. Where did you get it from? Mothercare's fancy dress section?"

How dare she lecture me on the smallosity of my clothes? She wears clothes made for a thirteen year old prostitute. And she calls herself a lady.

I was about to say this to her when I stopped my self like a stoppy thing from stoppy land. Because then she would get the Huffy-knickers and not let me out. Which would be merde. With poo. Because I would not be able to show Dave that I am not bothered in the slightest that he was plotting revenge against me.

I smiled my best smile and said, "Oh mum! You cheeky minx, joking around like that! Of course I didn't get it from Mothercare" (I didn't say, that is a shop believe it or not, for mothers who care) "I got it from the costume shop. And as for the smalliosity. My! It is a bit loose believe it or not,"

She finished zipping up the back. Ouch Ouch! It felt like my nungas were being sandwiched back into me.

She said, "Georgia, are you sur-"

I said, "I must go now Mutti, if I am late I may be attacked by a mad Viking. And time waits for no PANTS,"

And I hurried out the door.

_**3 minutes later**_

I had to go back to the house for my shoes.

_**7.45pm**_

Met up with most the gang (apart from our mad hostess) at the clock tower. Jas is dressed up as a vole! I could not believe it. It was unbelievable that is why.

I said, "Jas, since when did you get a sense of humour? You are a vole. That is hilarious,"

Jas said, "At least I am not dressed up like a common tart, Georgia,"

I looked around to see who was dressed up as a common tart.

Jools said, "Did Dave manage to find you a way past Hawk-eye on Friday?"

I said, "No, I didn't go and see him, I just ran past her,"

They were as a-gog as two gogs.

Mabs said, "You are dead meat, little pally, you will be barbequeued on Monday,"

Jools said, "Why didn't you go and see him?"

I said, without meaning to, "Because he is horrible and I have far more digniosity than that!"

Everyone looked at me. Poo.

But then Ellen saved my bacon(ish), she said, "Dec is really quite groovy, isn't he?"

I said, "Are you and him official snogging partners then?"

She said, "I think so, on Friday we were down at the park…just hanging about, and, err, he got my face- you know, gently, he, err, didn't, you know, rip it off my neck, because err, I would be dead and-"

To hurry her up I said, "What number, Ellen?!"

She said, "Definitely a six, and he can do, err, the lip nibbling thing, as well,"

Bugger. I could sense where the conversation was going again.

Mabs said, "What do you mean, as well?"

Jools said, "She means, when she went out with Dave the Laugh he used to lip nibble her, as well,"

Mabs said to me, "Did Dave the Laugh lip nibble you when you went out with him- or when you snogged him by the campsite?"

Dratty drat drat! Could she not just leave it? I didn't want to tell them about the revenge plan because Jas would say 'I-told-you-so,'.

So I said, "Ellen, have you done hand snogging with Dec, 4 1/2?"

She said, "Do you mean, you know, hand holding,"

I said, "No, hand snogging, ask Jas, she and Tom did it,"

And Jas burnt her knickers in the hot seat for the rest of the way there.

_**3 minutes later**_

I wonder whether boys have a snogging scale as well? And Dave added on nip libbling.

I wonder what number it is on theirs?

Although, I don't suppose it would really matter to him anymore, as he probably never get another snog again, and will have to work on his profession as Laugh-O-Gram.

_**8.00pm**_

When we arrived at Rosie's. the door was ripped off it's hinges by Sven. Who was dressed as an elephant with a vacuum cleaner's tube strapped to his nose.

"Grrrrrrorooooooooogggg!"

I suppose that is what he imagines is an elephant's noise.

I said, "Hello Sven, can we come in?"

And he had a sneezing fit from the dust in the nozzle. Good grief.

We crept past him.

_**3 minutes later**_

The party is really rocking. Apart from the fact the music is stuff like 'The animals went by two by two, horah! Horah!'.

But let live and let party, I say.

_**8.30pm**_

I was coming out of the tart's wardrobe (emergency make up re-appliance) and I went nunga nunga first into Rosie.

She said, "Erlack! Get of me you lezzie!"

She was dressed up as a furry pig. With a painted egg box on her nose. Like the good old days many a year ago.

She said, over the music, "The party is vair cool isn't it? I've got a new crowd from Sparrow Grove's school. They are all boys. They are very groovy looking, if I didn't have Sven I would be on flirt patrol. But I do. So s'laters,"

As it happens, the Sparrows were quite gorgey. But they lack that certain luuurve godiosity.

_**10 minutes later**_

Me, Jas and Ellen were resting in the restarium (the three seater seatee) when Dave the Laugh and his Barmy Army came in.

I hate him.

They flocked over to us, like they had some girl detectors.

Tom was a vole too! Vair vair amusante. They were quite literally the vole couple. I would have had a laughing spaz if I wasn't focusing so much on glaciousity.

Dave the Laugh was wearing a blue top and jeans. With some blue rabbit ears. And a belt with a bit chunk of cotton wool on the back. His cripple hand was bandaged up. And he had drawn whiskers on his cheeks with eye liner. I wonder who's eye liner? Maybe, he is on the turn. Maybe, the fact that I have realised that he is quite literally a piece of scum put him off girls?

But he looked vair vair funny. I nearly found myself smiling. Mouth control yourself! He is the enemy! And thus we will march into war with our PANTS before us!

He said, "Phoar! Kittykat! You are a Kittykat!"

I said, glaciousity personified, "Oh, hello, Dave, I see you have eye liner on your cheek. Are you on the turn?"

He said, "I do, amazingly, have some female family members who own eye liner, Gee. And I have a male family member who eats lip stick,"

Nice. I wonder whether he has a toddly folk brother or something? Not that I am interested.

He said, "That costume looks a bit small for you Gee. Would you need some help undoing it at the end? Because I will be ready to offer my assistance,"

How can he be so rude? I turned my head and ignorez voused him.

So he got a plastic toy carrot out of his pocket and pretended to chew it and said, "Eh? Wot's up, doc?"

Like Bugs Bunny.

I felt like I was going to explode, "I think you know, 'wot's up',"

And I stormed off.

I heard him say to his mates, "What's rattled her cage?"

He is soooo irritating.

_**10 minutes later**_

The Sparrow's have smuggled in some cans and alchopops. I tried one. It wasn't particularly nice but it made me feel a bit calmer. I think. I felt quite cool as well to be drinking one. I know Vati and Mutti would go ballisiticisimus if they found out that I was drinking. But I am not stupid. I will not get drunk.

I will just have another and that will be it.

_**9.30pm**_

Rosie has decided to start a game of Truth and Dares.

She said, "And the forfeit of any dare or non-truth telling is that you have to dye your hair pink,"

She is joking. Isn't she?

She held up a packet of pink hair dye. OhmyGiddyGod. As much as I hate being the invisible mouse girl, I think pink is a bit over the top.

I said, "Rosie, that is a bit mad, who would want to ruin their hair?"

She said, "It is that three washes out stuff,"

Every one sort of sighed in reliefinosity.

But I said, "But, but, what if we don't want to dye our hair?"

She said, "Well, make sure you do every dare,"

Merde.

_**9.45pm**_

This game is vair vair coolio. There are about twenty of us playing.

Jools spun the bottle. It landed on Jas. She got truth.

Jools said, "You have to tell the truth about what number you got up to with Hunky,"

It turns out the vole couple have got to number seven. All the Ace Gang's eyes kind of drifted down onto Jas' nungas. They are not huge.

_**9.50pm**_

I may be scarred for life. Rosie was dared to flash her nungas. In front of everyone. And she did. All the boys were in uproar. I distinctly heard Dave say, "Phoar! Quite the eye sore,"

Shut up Shut up.

_**10.00pm**_

Rollo was dared to drink an entire bottle of vinegar. And he did.

He span the bottle and it landed on me. Merde.

It was one of those proper electric bottle and the light on 'kiss' flashed.

Rollo said, "Georgia has to snog…"

And he looked around. Please not Dave. Please not Dave.

"She has to snog…Sven,"

What! WHAT! Me. Sven. Kiss? Erlack. No way. Hell would freeze over before I kiss Sven.

Everyone was shouting 'kiss, kiss, kiss'

I said, "That isn't fair, he is Rosie's boyfriend,"

At that moment in time she laughed, "Go on Georgia! Don't get too jealous,"

Doesn't she care that her best friend and boy friend are going to kiss? Evidently not. I don't want to know what goes on in her mind but it is not normal.

Rosie said, "Or would you rather dye your hair pink?"

_**3 minutes later**_

I have just snogged Sven.

I feel all disgusting and dirty. He had food in his mouth. Erlack, erlack, erlack. I got another drinky pops to get rid of the taste of his mouth. Erlack a Pongoes.

It was my turn to spin the bottle. It landed on Dave the Laugh. The Truth Light flashed.

I know I really shouldn't have asked but you know when you know when you shouldn't ask so you do? I had that.

I said, "Dave, what do you honestly think of me?"

He was grinning before but it kind of fell. He completed his costume with one of his famous Dave the-Rabbit-in-the-Headlights look.

He really did look very put on he spot. Blimey. Is it that hard for him to admit that he hates me and is plotting revenge against me? What is he scared of? Looking like Mr. Nasty? Like he is?

He looked all the way around the crowd.

Then at me.

Then at the dye.

Then at me.

Then at the dye.

Then he sighed. He said, "Chuck me the dye then,"

Oh. My. God.

He wasn't going to do it? Dye his hair? Pink?

Rosie passed him the dye.

He said, "Right-O, I'll be back in a bit," and stood up.

OhmyGiddyGods pyjamas. He was.

Hahahahaha. Serves him right.

Everyone was cheering for him. He bowed and saluted.

He said, "Say good bye to my hair, and Georgia?"

I grunted in reply.

He pointed to the can in my hand.

"Don't drink too much," and he disappeared up stairs.

How dare he? After he was falling over, completely drunk on Sunday? With a hangover on Monday? Oooooh, I'm going to drink loads just to show him.

Stupid Dave.

_**10 minutes later**_

The Truth and Dare game stopped after Dave forfeited. Because there was no forfeit.

I was getting another drink at the table when Tom cornered me. What did Mr. Vole want?

I said, "What do you want Mr. Vole?"

Tom said, "Mr. Vole?"

I said, "Oh, Hunky, if you prefer that then,"

He just raised his eyebrows, he said, "Georgia, I think Dave is right, you shouldn't drink anymore,"

I said, "Stupid Dave! What does he know?"

Tom said, "Why did you ask him that? I told you it was really private to him,"

"Yes, private to him the fact that everything was just a revenge plan! I bet you knew too!,"

Tom said, "Gee, calm down, you are not making any sense. Revenge Plan?"

I said, "Yes! I went to find him to escape past Hawkeye and he was talking to Rollo and Dec. They were teasing him about him luuurving me and he said it…it's all jus a revenge plan,"

Tom said, "Gee…"

I said, "He said he is only enticing me so to wreck my relationship with Robbie but then he moved so now he will so the same across Masimo!"

Tom took the drink from my hand, "Gee! How stupid can you be sometimes?! Do you really think Dave would say to Rollo and Dec that he luuurves you even though you hate him? We are not girls in trousers, Gee. Dave would never admit that to Rollo and Dec. They would take the micky,"

I was literally a fish in a cat suit. A catfish! Hahahaha. Shut up Brain. Dave doesn't hate me? He. Revenge. Not? He. Rollo. Mickey?

Tom said, "He thought you meant about the fact that he loves you and he will never ever admit that. In front of everyone. I have a hard enough time trying to get him to tell me what is on his mind. And now he will think some how you've found out and made a mock and a sham out of it all,"

Blimey. Tom was quite literally having a Nervy B. at me.

"You are just so, so ignorant sometimes!"

Jas (who had listened to the whole thing) swanned up like the bride of a vole and said, "Yes, she is so incredibly ignorant. Poor old Dave loves her yet she just keeps messing him about,"

Tom did that breathe-in-breathe-out thing, he said, "Gee, I'm sorry, we all know you are fabby, but you sometimes don't see beyond that nose of yours,"

I said, "Well I must see a lot then because it is HUGE!"

And I stormed off from the Vole couple.

_**5 minutes later**_

So Dave doesn't hate me?

_**1 minute later**_

I need to speak to him. I tried going up to the tarts wardrobe where he was busy dying his hair but there was a queue about a mile long waiting to go into the piddly diddly department.

I tried pushing my way through but some burly lad with lard for a brain said, "Oy! Whatcha think your doin'? We all need to wazz,"

And shoved me back out. I nearly fell down the stairs.

_**6 minutes later**_

I found my drink Tom had taken off me. I drank the whole thing in one. And another drink. I nearly choked in the process but it made me feel better. Ish.

_**10.40pm**_

We were all dancing (or in my case stumbling) when there was a knock at the living room door.

Dave's voice said from the other side, "Ladeeez and Gentlemen, please stop swinging for a while. Drum roll please. Introducing he, who was once known as Dave the Biscuit but is now, Dave the Pink Wafer!"

Rollo shouted, "Have you done it?! Dyed your hair?"

He hasn't has he?

The door opened.

OhmyGiddyGod!

He has!

_**10 minutes later**_

I cannot get over to speak to Dave. He is quite literally a celebrity now. Everyone is crowding around him to ruffle his pink hair or say "Way up, mate," or generally be crap.

_**5 minutes later**_

I watched Dave disappear of into the kitchen to get himself some snacks. He had his usual tarty posse of girls following him, stroking his hair. How tarty are they? It is madness. Everyone seems to want to be with him now. If the Two Little Titches were here, they would probably be swooning.

He should write a boys version of _How to make any Twit fall in Love with you. _Chapter one- dye your hair a loony colour.

He looked like the Easter Bunny gone Mad.

_**11.30pm**_

I feel really sick. And stupid. And I still can't speak to Dave.

_**2 minutes later**_

I was about to drink another drinky pops to make myself feel better when I realised what I had been doing all night. Drinking. And was quite possibly drunk.

I leant against the wall, I couldn't quite walk normally. I.e. I kept falling over.

Then for some strange reason I started crying. Proper tears. Blubbing like two short blubbing things. I felt so mean. Tom was right. I am so ignorant. And horrible to Dave. And he likes me. He didn't want to get revenge. He just didn't want to be made a mock and a sham of.

Then, as if he had been ear wigging on my brain, the devil himself made an appearance. Seemingly, his pink hair has lost it's novelty now.

He said, "Oh, dear, has the Italian Homosexualist rang to tell that he and his husband are very happily married?"

But then he looked at me and realised I was crying properly.

He said, "Oh, Gee," And he pulled me into a hug. I cried into his chest. It was really nice to be able to hug him. I thought he would never hug me again.

He said, "What's the matter, Gee?"

I blurted out, "I was going to go home and Hawkeye was at the gates and she was going to barbeque me so I went to see you to borrow your glass elevator or ride on your imaginary sheep and you were in the gym making the blood rush to your head and you were comparing stomachs with your mates and it was vair vair funny so I hid and was laughing like a vole in a skirt but then Rollo and Dec started teasing you and you said it was all…it was all…it was all a revenge plan, and I hated you and I was going to start up a farm and you were going to be Dave the Pig and be all alone and become a Laugh-o-gram but you were a rabbit and I asked you about me and you dyed your hair and Tom said it isn't revenge because you like me and I-I-I am so sorry!"

Dave said, "Blimey, Kittykat, take a breath,"

He held me at arm's length from him. His top was covered in mascara stains from me crying.

I said, "I've ruined your top,"

He said, "I don't mind,"

He is so nice. Even though I am horrible to him.

He said, "Gee, you must never ever listen to me when I am talking with my mates. I couldn't say anything about liking you to Rollo and Dec because I would never here the end of it. Boys aren't like girls. We don't keep each others' secrets or think of each others' feelings. Like last Sunday, Rollo filmed me drunk on his phone. And the video was blue toothed around the school all day Monday. That is what boy mates are like,"

Good Grief.

Then he took my empty drinky pops off me, "Speaking of drunk, how many of these have you had?"

I said, "Err…a few,"

He tutted, "Gee! Come on, we best get you home, my little duckie,"

Duckie? Had he finally snapped? How come I have gone from Kittykat to Duckie in less than a minute? Although it may have something to do with the rain. It is absolutely pegging it down.

_**4 minutes later**_

It was really dark outside and it was raining lots. Even though it is July. Dave had his arm around me and was helping me walk. He is really nice to me. I can't believe that I believed that he was plotting revenge against me.

We were completely drenched. It was that sort of really heavy rain that you can't breathe in.

He said, "It is like the Big Old Goose in the sky is having a good old sob with you Gee,"

I said, "You keep talking about water birds tonight, you called me a duckie and you are talking about geese now,"

He said, "Perhaps I am going quackers,"

And he did some quacking noises which made me laugh. Maybe a bit too much because I slipped from his arm and fell into a puddle.

He helped me up and we took shelter in the bus shelter.

_**10 minutes later**_

It is really nice to be with Dave. We sat in the bus shelter and I snuggled into him. It was very nippy noodles. The rain, not him. He was nice and warmy.

I should have felt bad for Masimo. My gorgeous Italian stallion. After all I was cuddling another boy. Drenched. In a bus shelter. But I didn't feel bad. I felt like I'd nearly lost Dave…

He looked at me really softly. His rabbit ears had bent forward because of the rain. It made him look sad. He did look a bit unlaughish as it happened. He carried on looking at me. I thought he was going to snog me. And to tell the truth and not beat about the watsit, I wouldn't have minded. Even though it was red bottomosity. I quite like Dave the Laugh. Not as much as Masimo, but I think I do like him.

He leaned slightly towards me but then he turned away and looked downwards. Some rain dripped out of his hair and plopped onto his legs.

I said, "Dave. I need to tell you something. I think, I think, maybe it isn't cosmic horn. I think I do li-"

And Dave shook his head, "Georgia, don't say anything. Please. You are drunk. Anything you say now you might not mean anything. And even if it is something I want to hear, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to think that you do like me and then have my hopes trashed again,"

OhMyGod. He wasn't going to say he loved me again was he?

But then he got up and said, "The rain has cleared up a bit. Come on,"

_**5 minutes later**_

When we got to my house, Dave knocked on the door. Mutti answered (dressed in one of the most appalling nighties I have ever seen).

She said, "OhmyGod, Gee, what happened?! Are you drunk? Is she drunk? How could you get drunk!"

Dave stood up for me. He said, "She didn't realise what the drinks were. Some twit told her they were just soft drinks. It isn't her fault. She didn't know they were alcoholic,"

Mutti said, "Oh, God. Gee, nothing…err, happened did it? With this twit who told you they were soft drinks?"

I said, "Dave got me home and looked after me,"

That seemed to satisfy Mutti, she said, "Come on in out the rain, you might get pneumonia"

Wow! She sounded like a proper mum.

I stood in the door way. Mutti said, "Would you like to come in Dave? Wait until the rain stops?"

He said, "No, I'm ok, I don't mind the rain,"

Libby called somewhere from upstairs. Mutti said, "Oh, I better…err…go see her,"

And disappeared through the porch door. Then she popped her head back around.

"Can I just ask, why is your hair pink?"

Dave said, "Oh, err, we were playing dares and-"

Mutti nodded in what she thought was a wise way, "I won't ask,"

When she went Dave put his arms around me and hugged me. Again.

He said, really close to my ear, "I would never ever do anything like that revenge thing across you, Gee. I would never ever hurt you. I understand that you like Masimo. And that's ok. I like you. A lot. But I know that you don't feel the same. It's Ok. But if things don't work out so groovy between you and the Italian Stallion, I'll still be here,"

He half smiled at me, "You won't be feeling very good in the morning, so I'll come round to see how you are,"

And he kissed me on the cheek and went.

I watched him walk through the rain with his hands in his pockets until he disappeared into the darkness.

Oh.My.God.

**Finallllllllyyyy! I have finished. Guess what? I spent four hours writing this and then a lot of thunder cut the electricity and I lost EVERYTHING I had written! How poo and crap is that! **

**But this is not the end of my fanfic. Even though she has realised she likes him. There is still a bit of aggers and stuff to go.**


	9. Egg Mates

**I have this bad habit of jumping when I get a good idea. Like kangaroo jumping (as mum calls it) on the spot. The problem is that ****every time I do I get a lecture extraordinaire. Oh well, I have an urge to jump now. Be back in a mo! Bouncy bouncy bouncy.**

**That is better. **

**I really love the Stiff Dylan's song Ultraviolet (look it up on You tube). Although I am not one of these people that are all obsessive about them. I want to see more of Dave the Laugh's actor. Although he does have a very odd lower face. **

* * *

**Egg Mates**

_**Sunday July 8**__**th**_

_**8.30am**_

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers.

_**2 minutes later**_

Did someone sneak in last night and hit me over the head with a hammer? I feel dreadful.

_**3 minutes later**_

I tried to bury my face in the pillow and go back to sleep. But Mutti came mumming in.

She said, "How are you feeling?"

Why does she have to be so loud?

I said, "Awful,"

And she started questioning me on last night. While I just squinted at her like a squinting thing on squinting tablets. I really wish she hadn't opened my curtains.

In the end I was sick of the Bonkers Brigade and I put my foot down with a firm hand, "Mum, I feel like poo all warmed up. Now, can you stop lecturing me and go get me a lovely nourishing soup and a hot chocolate?"

She went all huffy for some reason unknown to man kind.

She said, "I don't know why I bother talking to you anymore! You never tell me anything! Anything could have happened!"

I groaned, "Nothing happened,"

Any sane person would have left it at that and gone to get me a drink. But she is Mutti and therefore, quite mad. She carried on, ranting, "You roll up drunk on the door step, what am I supposed to think. If Dave hadn't been there to get you home. Well, you might have done-"

I said, "I might have done what?"

"Anything!"

And she stormed out. Good Grief.

_**5 minutes later**_

My head hurts like billio.

_**1 minute later**_

I understand why Dave the Laugh was Mr. Moody PANTS on Monday now. No wonder he lost his rag with me.

_**3 minutes later**_

I can't get back to sleep. Times like this are when I would be fabby to have a Tele in my room. So I can lounge around watching some crappy morning TV programme. But, as it happens, I don't have a Tele in my room. And that is the poo-inosity of life.

_**10 minutes later**_

I cannot be bothered to climb out of bed to go downstairs to watch the Tele. I'll only be confronted with Mutti again. Or her and Vati will be snogging. Which is quite simply horrific and not good for anyone in my fragile condition.

_**9.15am**_

Libby came in with Angus in a head lock.

I said, "Angus doesn't like that, Libby,"

She said, "It's naaiiice, he lobes it,"

I said, "No he doesn't,"

She said, "He does,"

"No,"

"Yes,"

"No,"

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE BAD BOY WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!"

Blimey O'Reilys Trousers. Could she be any louder?

I tried to be reasonable, I said, "Libby, your poor big sister has got such a head ache, would you be a darling and leave me alone? And be really quiet?"

Amazingly Libby said, "Ooooh, poor Gingey, poor, poor Gingey, you sickie, little mite? Oh dear. Oh deary me,"

And put Angus on my bed and walked out. Yes!

_**5 minutes later**_

Angus has buried himself under my quilt and will not come out. If I lift the quilt up he turns into the Demon Cat from the Amazon Rainforest and starts tearing my ankles apart. Buggery, ouch.

_**2 minutes later**_

Libby came back with a cup of tea for me. She was carrying it really carefully and saying, "Libby had a sister who was sick, sick, sick. She called for the Doctor to come quick, quick, quick,"

I said, "Thank you, Libby,"

She smiled her really freaky smile and said in a scarily grown up voice, "That is ok, poppet,"

_**3 minutes later**_

The cup of tea has been made with cold tap water. And ribena. Still it is the thought that counts. Yum, yum.

_**1 minute later**_

I have got out my (Mutti's) _Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. _It is quite brain boggling trying to understand boys with such a head ache. But quite relaxing. In a strange type of way.

_**4 minutes later**_

How weird is this? I was flicking through the pages randomly to get some vair vair wise snippets of wisdomosity when I came across '"Doing" is an excellent way to prime a man's love pump'. (Oo-er)

What is it on about? As usual I will be the last to know.

_**10 minutes later**_

There is a story about a knight who was in love with a princess and slaying dragons for her. Then he started getting annoyed because she got him to use nooses and poison to kill the dragons instead of stabbing them. Then he heard another girl with a dragon after her and used his sword to kill the dragon. And then lived happily ever after with her and never saw his princess again.

Quite mad. But it is a lesson to all of us.

I don't know what of.

_**30 seconds later**_

The sheer madnosity of Boydom springs to mind.

_**10.10am**_

The door bell rang. I heard Mutti loon to it.

"Hi, is Georgia awake?"

It was Dave the Laugh's voice(!).

OhmyGod. Don't send him up to my room! I look a mess!

"Yes, her room is that one,"

Mutti!! I am going to _kill_ you!

I barely had time to hide my_ Men are from Mars_ book under my pillow when the door opened and Dave came in. What about if I had been in my nuddy-pants? He didn't even knock.

He said, "How are you feeling, Gee?"

I said, "Crap, in fact I feel tip top on the crappiosity front,"

He said, "I've brought some chockies for you,"

Aawwww.

He had a bit of a nosy around my room. Opening drawers and cupboards. Which I thought was actually vair vair rude. Particularly because he might find anything. Such as my knicker hammock or cat poo. But I didn't really mind. I don't feel like such a big fool when I am with Dave the Laugh. Probably because he is a fool as well. His hair was still pink. If I was him, I would have washed it to an inch of it's life to try and get the colour out.

I said, "Your hair is still pink,"

He said, "I know, you would have thought all that rain last night would have washed it out,"

I said, "Haven't you tried washing it out yet?"

He said, "I gave it a quick wash last night to see how much colour would budge. It didn't. I suppose it's being a bit stubborn. Oh well, I want to see what everyone makes of it at school anyway,"

"You must be glad Slim is not your headmistress. It would literally be all over jelliodosity if she was,"

He said, "I must say she has the most fascinating chin. Or rather chins. I could quite possibly watch them all day. They seem to have a life of their own,"

I said, "_Exactamondo, moi petite pally_,"

He looked a bit puzzled, "_Oui… _um_, pourquoi _are we speaking, err_, le _froggie?"

I said, "_Il est trés __merveilleux_,"

He said, "Ah, _trés __merveilleux__, oui_, err…_poissons, le chat, _um_, Sacré Bleu!_"

It was quite obvious that he did not have the faintest what he was saying.

I said, "_Tu n'est pas trés bon á le_ froggie,"

And he said, "_Merde_,"

Which made me laugh even though I felt really poo. I can do that with Dave the Laugh. Laugh. And that is why he is called Dave the Laugh. Because he is a good laugh.

I couldn't see Masimo trying to talk to me in French. But then again, we have enough trouble talking in Pizza-a-go-go-ese/Billy Shakespeare Landish.

Then Dave said, "_Excusez-moi, s'il vous plait_,"

And he budged me over and sat in my bed. Next to me. In my bed. Him. In _my_ bed.

I said, "Erm, excuse me, but have you noticed that this is my bed? And you are sat in it? Whilst I am in it?"

"_Ooh lala_,"

_**10 minutes later**_

Munching on Chockies with Dave the Laugh. Who I have somehow permitted to sit in my bed next to me. I must be insane as well as hung over.

He looked in the cup that Libby had brought in out of her bottomless niciosity and err…toddliosity.

"Is that some mad herbal remedy, Sex Kitty?"

"No, it is cold tea and ribena, courtesies of Libby,"

"Ah, of course,"

He turned around to look at me. I really wish he wouldn't. I probably look all pale and I didn't get my make up off last night. So knowing my life I have probably got a thousand lurkers and panda eyes. Stupid panda eyes.

He said, "Oh, poor Kittykat, not very nice are they? Hangovers, I mean,"

I said, "You have got that right Mr. Laugh,"

He stroked my hair which was vair vair relaxing. Even though it did make me feel bad about Masimo. But I felt a bit too bad about myself to be feeling bad about Masimo. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

He said, "At least you have today to recover, I had to go to school in this state. Can you imagine trying to do maths or something like this?"

I couldn't even figure out the time properly, let alone think about doing Quadratic Equations or something.

I said, "You should have thrown a sickie,"

He said, "Oh, I did, but I had the old lecture from Mum then," he put on a high squeaky voice (which was actually _trés amusante_) "If you try to act adult by drinking so much, you a can _be_ adult and deal with the consequences,"

I nodded wisely, "My olds are the same, they have no carinosity,"

He carried on, "But I said, 'I was not trying to act adult, I was actually acting like a teenager, which I happen to be, and so I'll _be_ a teenager right now and bunk off',"

I munched thoughtfully on a chockie.

He said, "But she went ballisiticisimus. For no apparent reason,"

He carried on rambling on while I just pretended to listen. But it didn't annoy me or give me a (worse) head ache. He spoke quietly to me. Obviously because he knew what it is like to have a hangover. He made me feel quite drowsy actually. Not to say that what he was saying was boring. It was quite the opposite actually. It was a lot of rubbish. But nice rubbish. He has a vair vair relaxing voice. Like Herr Kamyer does in physics. But obviously a) not German and b) not mad. Well, mad in the Dave the Laugh type of way but not mad in a Lederhosen-a-go-go way. A good mad. A- oh you know what I mean. I am far too poorly to be discussing this.

Dave stopped babbling on. And just looked at me. He had that soft pre-snogging look in his eyes. Oh Poo. Oh Poo! What do I do?! Lips stop puckering. Red bottom please do us all a favour and DIE. OhmyGiddyGod, OhmyGiddyGod. Everything pull yourself together! You are on snog alert. Remember your guide girl training. The one that Jas did and you didn't. Psychically get it from her now! Use the pigeon post. Remember, 'Doing' is an excellent way to prime a man's love pump- shutupshutupshutup!!

Then just as I thought he was about to lean in and snog me to an inch of my life he leapt about a mile and yelled, "CRAP! What have you got down there!? A bear trap!?"

And he pulled his leg out. With Angus attached. By the claws.

He pulled Angus off his leg (which is quite a struggle, actually) and held him above his face. Angus did demented cat spitting and hissing. Any normal person would have mad-dashed to the bathroom, to wash their face. But Dave just hissed back at Angus. Honestly. Hissed.

Angus did the cat staring thing that is supposed to drive you into a schizophrenic wreck.

Dave stared back into Angus' mad yellow eyes.

Angus just let the tip of his tongue flop out of his mouth.

Like idiot cat.

Good Grief.

_**3 minutes later**_

Luckily, Libby came in and demanded that Angus went to her 'teddy bears picnic'. Well, actually she demanded me and Dave went as well, but I managed to persuade her we were having our own picnic with the chockies. My undying charm convinced her.

_**1 minute later**_

And three chockies.

_**10 minutes later**_

Oh Poo! And Merde.

Dave has found my _Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus book. _Which I had hid in my bottomless geniousity under my pillow. Oh poo. Now he will think I don't have much wisdomosity about boydom. I _don't _have much wisdomosity about boydom! Oh poo, oh poo.

Dave said, "Boys are like elastic bands? I think it is quite obvious that I am not made out of rubber. Although that would be quite amusing,"

I felt a bit too much like Groggy the Infamous Swamp Monster to explain the psychosity of it all.

He flicked through for a bit, looking more and more puzzled. And then he said, "Do you actually read this?"

I said, "I have read bits,"

He said, "Did you understand it?"

I said, "Of course! I am top Psychology-wise. It's all a matter of reading in between the lines and-"

"You didn't understand a word did you?"

Good Point. Well Made.

I said, "What about you, Horn-Meister? Through your boundless wisdomosity and Horn expertise, what did you think?"

He did pretend beard stroking, "Well, I think…"

I looked at him. He is quite literally the world Expert on the Horn and luuurve and the Trousers and Skirts of Life.

I said, "Yes?"

"I think it would be quite cool to be made out of elastic"

Sacré Bleu!

_**15 minutes later**_

Mutti came mumming in. And Hells Bells! She had coffees for us and some biscuits and stuff. Which was good because we had munched our way through the entire box of chockies.

She was actually behaving like a real mum. She wasn't even balancing the tray on her nunga nungas. Which she can believe it or not. It means either one of two things, a) She was abducted by aliens and replaced by a replica or b) She is being nosy. My money is on the second one.

I was about to ask her if she had been speaking to any green men recently when she looked at me and Dave (who was still squashed into my bed with me) and she said, "Err, yes, right, ok, um, yes,"

And left. What in the name of GiddyGod's Pantaloons is she on about?

_**4 minutes later**_

At least we have Biscuits.

_**5 minutes later**_

Maybe Baby Jesus has realised that I am not such a bad person and has decided to make my life better. As I quite frankly deserve. No. Ohhhhhhmmmm, I must be thankful and humble.

I am much more fortunate than a lot of little children in these poor countries who make cheap hair extensions. For Wet Lindsay to be an octopus in. Ohhhhhmmmm. No, I must be nice:

Dear Baby Jesus, Lindsay may have got the most unusual looking hair but that is what makes her special and unique. There are actually quite a few people that like the octopus look. Octopuses for one. Amen.

Let no one say I have no niciosity.

But anyway, as I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself. I do actually have quite a good life at the moment. Apart from the hangover and the worst head ache known to mankind. It is nearly the summer holidays and end of fascist reign; my Mutti is starting to take her role as a mother seriously, i.e.: Caring and leaving me alone; I think my nose isn't getting any bigger, which is a plus and most importantly I am officially(ish) the girlfriend of a luuurve God. Who is coming back in two days! Yesssss.

_**30 seconds later**_

So why am I on the Rack of Luuurve again?

_**2 minutes later**_

I mean, let us face facts and bear our watsits (oo-er). Dave is sitting next to me. In my bed. With his arm around me. Stroking my hair. And that is not exactly matey-type mate behaviour is it? I don't go around to Jas' and sit in her bed and stroke her hair, do I? The answer is no, because other than the Lesbian Rumours, I would most probably be battered to death by her owls if I mess up her fringey fringe.

But, my nub and gist is that me and Dave are not exactly dancing around in Disco of Matedom. We are, quite possibly, grooving in the Party of Horn. Whilst I should be chilling in the Night Club of Luuurve with Masimo. Who is my boyfriend, and in Italy. Missing me.

_**1 minute later**_

So why don't I care?

_**4 minutes later**_

Oh Blimey O'Reily's Trousers. I thought that when I brought my Italian Cakey I thought that would be the end of my stay in the Cake Shop of Luuurve. But when I take the Cakey home, I find out that the Cake Shop of Luuurve have given me a free voucher for a Dave the Tart.

_**1 minute later**_

With brand new pink sprinkles on top. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

_**3 minutes later**_

Dave's hair is quite fascinating though. It makes him look like he has set his head on fire. But in a cool way. Because Dave has a knack of making anything seem quite coolio.

_**4 minutes later**_

Anyway, back to the matters at hand. The Cake Shop of Luuurve were not happy torturing me with their quite delicious variety of cakes. No, they weren't, so they snuck a voucher in the packet with my Italian Cakey. To lure me back in to buy some more Cakey's. And like a fule I think I went back.

_**2 minutes later**_

I could walk out without buying any more.

_**1 minute later**_

But I have a free voucher…

_**3 minutes later**_

And I also have an intruder in my Bed of Pain.

_**30 seconds later**_

Who is now attempting to read bits from _Men are from Mars _backwards. To see if it makes more sense. As mad as a hen.

_**1 minute later**_

Or a cockerel as it would be in his case.

_**2 minutes later**_

A cockerel who is sitting on top of the barn cawing 'COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!" as loud as his chicken-type lungs will let him.

_**4 minutes later**_

The cry of the Chicken Horn.

_**2 minutes later**_

Also known as the Egg Horn.

_**3 minutes later**_

I mean, eggs are all very happy snuggling up with each other in the Nest of Matedom. Being matey-type eggs. All having a mini egg rave together. Which is egg-celent. They all are nice and cuddled up but make sure they keep there Horn to themselves by keeping it inside their shell. Saving it for when they hatch and get to play egg-tremely fun games in the sun. Such as Pizza-a-go-go-enese type snogging.

But then the eggs can get fed up holding their Horn in and use it to cut their way through the shell and into another eggs shell. And they both let their horn free. But then things get messy because the eggs are full of nasty runny yolky type stuff which makes an awful mess. And if it's not careful it could fry in the sun.

_**5 minutes later**_

Me and Dave have the Egg Horn. We should be happy having Egg Raves and being Matey-type mates in the Nest of Matedom. But we have dug through our shells and let our Horn free. And if I am not careful, I would get caught by Masimo.

_**2 minutes later**_

So why can't I hold my Horn in until I hatch into a proper chick?

_**1 minute later**_

If I got control over my Horn, I would hatch into a little cute fluffy chick. With the perfect life and I could send all my days dancing in the Sun of Luuurvosity.

And everything would be ticketty boo.

_**3 minutes later**_

On the other hand, The Sun of Luuurvosity would always be above me. And I'll be scared of other taller chickens getting closer to him. I'll have to keep fighting my way to the highest perch. With lots of worry and doubtosity onside.

_**1 minute later**_

That is the price of being the Girlfriend of a Luuurve God.

_**4 minutes later**_

But, if I let my Horn run free and wild in the Nest of Matedom, then there's me and Dave the Laugh. Who has somehow snuck onto the Menu of Life. I could crack the shell open and go into Dave's egg. We could be quite happy. We would be like a double yolker egg. All nice and safey inside the shell.

_**2 minutes later**_

Then I will never hatch and see the Sun of Luuurvosity.

_**5 minutes later**_

But could I survive in the tough world under the Sun of Luuurvosity? Or would I regret leaving my egg? I would have lots of other chickens to fight for him. Particularly the octopus type chicken. Is it worth it when I have the option to be nice and cosy in Dave's Egg? Oo-er.

I mean, it's like what plants do. They put up with all the crapposity of life such as prats picking their flowers just so they can see the Sun of Luuurvosity. Because they can't live without the sun. They need it.

Do I need it?

_**1 minute later**_

What about Dave? He says that he will always be there for me if things don't turn out so groovy between me and Masimo. He said that. That is_ le_ fact. He has also said he luuurves me.

If he doesn't hatch his egg then he is going to be picked from the nest, and lorried to the nearest supermarket and put on the Shelf of Life.

_**30 seconds later**_

His Egginosity is in my hands.

Oh Godddddd.

_**2 minutes later**_

There is a crack in my egg. I must make the decision either to hatch or move eggs. What I cannot do is keep jiggling around backwards and forth between decisions. Otherwise I am going to fall out of the nest and go Splat on the Ground of the Vair Vair Lonely below.

It is time to break open my egg.

_**1 minute later**_

Poo.

_**Midday**_

Dave had to go because he had 'stuff to do'. I wonder what stuff to do? Although it might include trying to get the pink hair dye from his hair. You never know.

He gave me a hug when he went. I really don't know what's up with all these hugs. I mean, not that I am moaning but his style is more accidental snogs than hugs. Maybe he is going it straight. Who knows. Who cares.

Well actually I care. It was quite odd to sit with Dave the Laugh for two hours, on our owneys and not snog. Even a mincy little four. It's…weird.

ShutupShutup voice of horn, this is how it should be.

Shouldn't it?

No snogs between me and Dave, my non-boyfriend.

_**30 seconds later**_

Because he is a mate.

_**10 seconds **__**later**_

A mate that has put me on the Rack of Luuurve.

That's a good point actually. How did Dave manage to sneak to the front of my brain box and put me on the Rack of Luuurve?

Whilst we are mates.

And I have plighted my troth to the Italian Stallion.

_**30 seconds later**_

I don't know though. There is definitely something that goes on in the jelloid knickers department. And the Horn division. And I can't help remembering how I felt when we were in the rain. I would have quite happily snogged him to the cows come home. Then sent them off on their merry way again. I felt like I really really liked Dave the Laugh then.

_**20 seconds**__** later**_

But we must remember I was drunk then.

_**30 seconds later**_

But when I thought he was doing the revenge thing, I said I loved him…

_**20 seconds later**_

I can't can I?

_**45 seconds later**_

Of course I can't. I am being over dramatic.

_**1 minute later**_

I watched him walk down the street. I think maybe, I do like Dave. A bit. But it's an Egg Horn. Not Cosmic or General. And deffos not Specific.

He turned around to look at my house. I had to duck behind the curtain. He would know what I was thinking. Hornmeisters can sense these things.

_**2.00pm**_

I had the Spanish Inquisition from Mutti.

She said, "It was nice for Dave to see you, wasn't it?"

I said, "Yes,"

She said, "It was very nice, very, very nice,"

I said, "Yes,"

She said, "Are…err…you and him…err,"

I said, "Mates? Geese? Monkeys? Porridge Monsters?"

Mutti looked at me like I was mad, "Gee, when I was younger, I liked two guys as well…"

Oh Poo. What is that I hear? Oh yes, the Stone Age.

I said, to cut a long thing short, "Me and Dave are just matey-mates. Well, egg-mates,"

"Egg-Mates,"

"Yes,"

"Gee, I think-"

"Mutti, can you get me another drink please?"

But she just looked through my drawers as a way to stay in. To annoy me. In the end I had to offer her to sit on (the bottom of) my bed. Otherwise she might find some things in my drawers. Things that aren't exactly mine. I.e. Err…hers.

She said, "Why was he sitting in your bed with you, then?"

I said, "It is…err…quite cold in this house,"

"It is July,"

"But you know the glorious weather in Billy Shakespeare-a-go-go land,"

_**10 minutes later**_

Eventually, she left.

At least she has had the sensinosity to tell Vati that I am as ill as two short ill things with a stomach bug. Rather than hung-over. Why won't it go?

_**3.00pm**_

Phone Rang.

I managed to crawl out of bed and answer the phone. It was Jas.

She said, "How are you Gee? Did you and Dave the Laugh sort things out?"

That is nice. Her asking about me. Usually it is all me, me, me with her. And I don't mean me, I mean, err…her.

I said, "Yep, fanks, he came around with some chockies and sat in my bed with me,"

I thought I heard her choke.

I said, "Are you Ok, Jas? Are you being strangled by your fringe?"

She said, "He sat in your bed. In your bed. With you?"

I said, "Yes…"

She said, "Have you been, err, doing, err, number eight and stuff then,"

I nearly exploded.

"JAS!! DO YOU THINK I AM A COMMON TART! Of course I have not been doing 'number eight and stuff' with Dave the Laugh,"

She said, "Ok, Ok, Blimey, calm down, I only meant…that, err, when you two are together you tend to let your horns run wild and free,"

I said, "How dare you!"

Then there was silence.

"Jas? Are you still there?"

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"Not daring"

She is soooo irritating.

"Jas, I haven't got the general or cosmic horn,"

She said, "Huh?"

I said, "I have got the Egg Horn"

She said, "What is that? Have you suddenly found yourself attracted to eggs?"

I said, "Jas! Would you listen? I have invented the egg horn earlier, out of my wisdomosity,"

She said, "What wisdomosity?"

I ignored her.

"The egg horn is when two mates- or eggs- get fed up with holding in their horns for when their Specific Horn Partner comes along and waiting in the Nest of Matedom and burrow into each others eggs,"

"Oo-er,"

"Jas…please. Anyway, me and Dave have the egg horn. I have the option to either wait to hatch and enjoy my self in the Sun of Luuurvosity or I could go into Dave's Egg,"

There were some chewing noises on the other end of the phone.

I said, "Jas? Did you get hungry?"

She said, "I don't understand, why has Dave got an egg?"

What is the point in being metaphorical if no one gets it?

I said, "I was using the eggs as an example. Basically I mean that I either can go with Dave or give up red bottomosity and go with the Luuurve God,"

She said, "isn't that how it was before?"

I said, "Yes, but now it has a name,"

Jas said, "I have a name for it- Promiscuous Tartinosity,"

I hung up.

_**2 minutes later**_

Phone Rang. Again.

It is probably Jas phoning to apologise _vis-à-vis _her appalling behaviour earlier.

"Jas, why don't you go arrange your owls and knicker collection, and-"

"_Ciao,_ Georgia,"

OhmyGiddyGod! It was the Luuurve God! And I had said 'knickers' down the phone at him. Poo! Poo!

"Err, _Ciao_, err,_ mi dispiace _I thought you were, err, my friendio Jas,"

He said, "Oh, no, it is me,"

It thought: Oh I know it is you, you great big sexy hunk of italianosity!

I said, "Are you still coming back on, err, _Martedi_?"

"Sí, I will to come to meet you at your house at _bella di notte_, sorry, my English is still bad, four o clock. It gives us much time to see each other. I have missed you a lot, _Cara,"_

Oh, I was melting. I was melting!

_**3 minutes later**_

How could I ever doubt the luuurve between me and the Italian Stallion? Oh I love him, I love him. He is quite possibly the most grooviest and gorgeous guy on the face of the planet. In fact, no, he is the grooviest and most gorgeous guy on the face of the planet.

And he is all miney!

And he is missing me!

I am quite literally a Babe Magnet.

**A bit of a mixy up chapter then. I hope you got the egg horn bit! Sorry, if the writing isn't so good this chapter. My mouse was put down today and I am really upset. She had to be gassed to death because a needle might stab her rather than inject her. They used chloroform and it made me go a bit woozy as well. It does have a very nice smell though.**

**Thanks for all your reviews.**


	10. I spake it to my face

**Wowers! I got thirteen reviews for the last chapter! Wow!**

**I've got some messagey things to say.**

**Kyramy****: For the compatibility thing you write down the two…err…victims' names and count up how many L's O's V's E's S's there are in their names combined. It's up to you whether you do nicknames, first names or full names. I used first names because I don't know most the characters surnames. Oh, I hope you've noticed, I am REALLY bad at explaining, lol. But anyway, you should have something like this.**

_**G**__**eo**__**rgia**_

**Loves **

_**Da**__**ve**_

**01120**

**Then, steppus numeral two-eth is that you add the digits that are next to each other up. Oh I really can't explain, can ****I?**

**0+1... 1+1... 1+2 ...2+0**

**..1 ... ****2 ... 3 ... 2**

**Then you keep doing that until you get only two digits left (or 100 percent if you are lucky…or unlucky, depending who you are doing!!)**

**1+2 ...2+3 ...3+2**

**...3 ... 5 ... 5**

**3+5... 5+5**

**... 1...0**

**8+1 ...1+0**

**...9...1**

**91 percent**

**That makes me realise that I can't add up because I put in Dave and Georgia 90 percent in the fanfic when it is 91 percent. Luckily, Kittykat and Laugh are deffo 100 percent. I did that one twice because I couldn't believe it. **

**Anyway I hope I explained that ok. I am truly awful at explaining. I've known that for ages, there was a phase where everyone was checking everyone ****else's compatibility. It was manic. But I added in the actual chart with Soulmates etc. in for fanfic purposes.**

**Blac****Angel****: sorry, your user name will not underline for reason, document thing is playing up. I do have to agree the actor of Dave the L is quite groovy but I just felt really inclined to say about his face because I spent ages staring at his pic trying to figure out why he looks a bit abnormal on the lower face. And of course that was the reason why I was staring (blushes) LOL! I am really sorry about your rat. I have rats too. It's really horrible making that decision and stuff for them to be put down isn't it? **

**Emo Naom1901: ****Ooh, you must be psychic or something because today I went and brought that book. I was thinking 'hmm, maybe I should checkout what twilight is because lots of Georgia Nicolson fanficcers have twilight fanfics written or in their favorites' and then I get home and see your review! Quite amazing!**

**Vinnie2757:**** Hiya PandAH. You won't need to wait long now, lol.**

**Everyone else****! I love you. And I mean that. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy with you reviews. Right here. Points to stomach. WAIT NO! That's my appendix at it! **

**S****orry, sorry, I've got that stuck in my head. I said it at random last week and I am dragging it on. Anyway, Thanks, everyone for your reviews!**

**Sorry I'm being slower than normal. My chapters are really long at the moment and I've got two side projects running. One is another fanfic (but is not going to be uploaded until after this one) and the other is I AM MAKING A GAME OF LIAMTT. Seriously, I have some game maker software. It's quite funky. You hit people with Mutti's handbag and use the snogging scale as your special skills. And you enemies are the other characters such as Robbie and the call of the marsupials and Dave and his nip libbling attack. **

**Blimey. I've babbled some. A whole word page in fact. **

**Onwards! Marching proudly onward**

* * *

**I Spake it to my F****ace**

_**Monday July 9th**_

_**8.**__**40am**_

When I got to Jas' her mutti told me she'd left without me. Hmp. Stupid Bride of the Vole Man.

_**2 minutes later**_

How mean and pooey is she? I think the answer is vair vair pooey and meanio.

_**1 minute later**_

She called ME a promiscuous tart. Again. Which I am so blatantly not. Much.

_**3 minutes later**_

It is obvious to everyone but the vair vair dim (i.e. Nobody) that I am now ignorez-vousing Jazzy Spazzy.

_**10 minutes later**_

I got to the school gates and Dave the Laugh was being ranted at for his hair which is apparently 'an excessive extreme of colour and simply not acceptable and appropriate for school'

Dave said, in a _trés_ helpful way, "Well, if my hair can't go into school, I don't mind going back home,"

But of course adults don't appreciate the helpfulosity of teenagers. They think we are being rude. And that is the selfishiosity of their lives.

I stood next to him for a bit while he was lectured for all of Billy Shakespeare Land about his startlingly bright hair. Hmp. At least he is my pally. Not like Jas. Otherwise known as the Bride of the Vole. Dave is really nice and never has the huff with me. Well, apart from the Mr. Moody PANTS episode. But I cannot really blame him, as I know exactly how he had felt. He really is a brilliant mate. Ish. Egg Mate. Mate with benefits. ShutupShutupShutup.

Eventually when the Rant Patrol left (and we pushed our way out of the massive crowd which had gathered around like we were circus exhibits) I said to Dave, "Still pink then,"

He just opened his eyes wide and did the cross-eyed klingon watsit, "I really don't know what is up with this colour. It will not come out. I tried for ages to wash it out. It was meant to come out in three washes wasn't it? Well I washed to an inch of its life and beyond and it hasn't come out. It is really bugging me now,"

I said, "Blimey,"

He said, "Well, at least you won't lose me in a big crowd of people,"

Rollo and Jools came up to us. Rollo said, "Wow! You are still pink! It is too bright! It burns my eyes!"

And he did a naff mime of his eyes burning out. Jools seemed to find it hilarious. She has no pridnosity.

Rollo said, after he finished burning, "Haven't you tried to wash it out?"

Dave said, "It won't come out,"

Rollo said, "Haha," in quite a mean way for someone who is supposed to be Dave's mate.

Jools said, "Apparently Tomato Ketchup gets colour out,"

We all just looked at her.

Dave said, looking at Jools like she had grown an extra head, "Are you suggesting I wash my hair in tomato ketchup?"

"Well, err, it apparently works, like lemon juice makes your hair blonder,"

I said, "Really?"

Jools said, "Yes, it was in my magazine,"

Wow. If it is in a magazine then it must be real. I must try it. Mutti has hidden all the dental peroxides and watsits since the Hamster-hair incident.

Ellen and Dec came up from nowhere. They had mysteriously disappeared before the dare game. I am only guessing they went off with each other somewhere. For a quick bout of number six.

If Ellen ever managed to stop erming and uming. Hahaha. Imagine her trying to decide what side to go to. Her and Dec would still be bobbing around like a couple of mad old hens next year. Hahaha. _Trés amusante._

Dec stared at Dave's hair like a staring thing on staring tablets and said, "Oh dear, mate, is there something you want to tell us?"

Dave said, "No. I am making a statement,"

Dec said, "Ok," and just nodded completely transfixed.

Ellen said, "It's, err, like, um, you know, it's pink. I mean its, um, not, err, dark, like before,"

We all just pretended to understand her.

Then Rosie and Sven came looning over to join us. Thankfully there is no sign of the vole couple. They have probably in some early blodge club.

Dave said, "Rosie! Just the person I wanted to see! I have a bone to pick with you,"

Rosie said, "I am afraid bone picking is a bit too stone age for me. But I would happily guzzle a barrel of mead with you,"

Dave said, "Ok then, O Viking One, I have a barrel of mead to guzzle with you- why isn't this dye coming out of my hair?"

Rosie looked a bit sheepish. Not to say she was woolly, but you never know. She always has some type of fur stashed on her person. "Have you tried washing it three times?"

"O Viking One, I have washed it to an inch of its life. And back. It refuses to come out,"

Rosie said, "Ah,"

"Ah?"

"Yes, Ah,"

"Ah."

"Weeellll, you see, Dave… I knew no one would do the forfeit if they err, knew it was, um, permanent,"

"You are joking,"

"Nope," Rosie shook her head like a loon on loon tablets. Which she is, "But, I didn't think it would be you to forfeit, Dave, I thought it might have been Georgia,"

Oh, lovely.

Dave just looked at her for a bit and said, "Ro-Ro, you better be very glad that a) I have a darn good sense of humour and b) I am too scared of your giant of a boyfriend to even try to kill you,"

_**Spanish**_

Again I find myself in Spanish. Encase it passed someone by (such as Big G, who has not been coming up trumps recently) I do not know Spanish. The idea to make me do it is vair, vair crap. Or should I say, _muy, muy_ crapamente? I do not know and once more I do not care.

But the bride of the vole does care though. She keeps pointing pieces of Tom's work and saying, "Oooh, that's easy, it's like French" or "Ooooh, Hunky, what does that mean?"

It is really irritating.

I said to Dave the Laugh, "What is 'bride of the vole' in Paella-a-go-go-nese,"

And he said, "I don't know,"

Oh fabby. You are a great help Mr. Laugh. Not.

Ho hum, pigs bum. I asked Dec because he didn't seem to be doing anything else than throwing paper planes at Phil the Nerd. Which is not much in anyone's books.

I said, "Dec, what is Bride of the Vole in _Español_?"

He said, "You are so considerate for Jas and Tom, apart from the fact that neither of them are Spanish,"

I said, "Dec…"

After about half an hour we found out it was _novia del __campaño__l_.

Dec said, "See. I have no idea why I got an E in my test. I am quite clearly an expert at Spanish,"

I said, "You used a dictionary,"

He said, "Ah, yes, but there is skill in that,"

What is he on about? Whatever it is, he will be the last to know.

I said, as a by-the-way-type question, "How are you and Ellen?"

Dec said, "Cool, why?"

I said, "Just asking, so her erring and umming doesn't irritate you?"

He said, "I think it is quite cute, actually,"

Good Grief.

Then Dave said, "_Sabría si apprendí mis respuestas_,"

Dec said, "Sabrina what?"

Dave said, "It is that watsit tense that would have got me an A if I had used it in my 'I don't know' answer,"

Dec said, "Why do you want an A? You are going quite mad if you don't mind me saying. You dye your hair pink which is quite…odd in anyone's books and now you are actually bothering to learn. We may have to disown you,"

Dave said, "No. You are missing the genius of it. He spends every lesson telling me that I am childish and will fail the GCSE's and stuff. Imagine what will happen if I walk away with tip top marks. But I still didn't actually do anything. He would really have a spaz attack to end all spaz attacks. Which would top off my school life quite nicely, in my opinion,"

Dec looked at him and then said, "¡_Tienes pelo rosa y eres estupido_!"

Dave said back, "¡_No, eres estupido_! ¡_ Mi pelo es muy__ guay_!"

Hahaha! They were having an argument in Paella-a-go-go-nese like a couple of Spanish loons out of one of those crap films Vati watches. It was quite amazing. Apart from the fact I didn't understand a word. But it still made me laugh. A lot.

Dec said, "¡_Eres completamente loco_!"

Dave said back, "¡_No_, e_res completamente loco_! ¡_El fin_!"

I said, "Can you stop arguing in Spanish? As amusing as it is, I would like to know what you are saying,"

Dave looked at me then said, "_No, eres una gatita-gata descarada. _¿_Apeteces un beso rapido_?_ Sabes quieres. Tienes un pechos grande. Eres mi perra_,"

Dec and Rollo virtually wet themselves laughing.

I said, "What did you just say to me? What did he say?"

But no one would say.

They were too busy having a laughing spaz.

_**3 minutes later**_

Hmp. I will have to kill Dave the Laugh my so-called egg mate. I found out what he said. Tom translated. He was the only one of the boys capable of speech.

_**1 minute later**_

He said, 'No, you are a cheeky Kittykat. Fancy a quick snog? You know you want to. You have big nunga nungas. You are my bitch,'

That is what he said. In Paella-a-go-go-nese.

_**2 minutes later**_

I mean, what if some innocent Spanish elderly loon heard it? They would get completely the wrong idea.

_**30 seconds later**_

He is sooo rudey-dudey. And annoying.

_**Break**_

Me and the Ace Gang had an emergency gang update away from the boys. We haven't been able to talk properly for ages, seeing as half the time the shameless tarts I call my pals are attached to their boyfriends' mouths.

I said, "What number are you and Dec on, Ellen?"

She turned beetroot and stammered out, "Err, Six,"

I know I really shouldn't have asked but somehow I had to, "Ellen, have you and Dec done bobbing around like mad hens deciding which side to go?"

She said, "What, err, mad hens, like, um, what do you mean?"

I said, in the nicest way possible, "Because you are so hesitant about everything,"

Ro-Ro said, "Oh, that was low, Gee,"

It turns out that he usually lightly held her face when he snogged her.

Jools said, "It is quite groovy, isn't it, the face holding thing? Rollo sometimes does it as well; it makes me go extremely Jelloid,"

We all agreed that it was groovy bananas.

Jools said, "I think we should add it to the snogging scale,"

Jas, who has forgotten her humptiosity because she is spending her time with the most fabbity fab people (i.e. Us) said, "What number?"

I said, "I think three and a half because all the snogs can be done with it,"

The Ace Gang did their cross-eyed Klingon salute. The girls are back, the girls _are_ back.

Then Mabs said something I couldn't believe. It was unbelievable, that is why.

"Me and Edward have got up to number seven,"

I said, "Mabs! I didn't even know you were going out with him. And then you go straight up to number seven. Did he miss out the pleasantries and lunge straight for the nunga nungas? You must have more glaciosity otherwise he will elastic band off,"

Mabs went into a bit of a huff, "No, he is really nice actually. We've spent lots of time together. It's just that no one asks me anything about my life,"

Good Grief.

Then Jools said, "What is happening with you and Dave the Laugh, Gee?"

I said, innocently, "What do you mean?"

Rosie said, "Don't play Miss-What-Do-You-Mean with us,"

Jools said, "Gee, we are not fules. We know that there is something between you two. We did see you snog him to an inch of his life at the camping fiasco,"

Merde.

Rosie (otherwise known as Sherlock PANTS) carried on, "Yes, and then, at my party, you were ignoring him, then he dyed his hair because he wouldn't say what he thought of you, then you got yourself hammered on drink, then you were hugging and then you left together. It is quite obvious you having something going on,"

I said, "We have nothing going on; we are just really good matey-type mates,"

_**3 minutes later**_

I managed to change the subject by saying we should go find the boys. Rosie waved her pipe threateningly at me but unfortunately the tide of life was against her as the rest of the Ace Gang wanted to go see their boyfriends. They have really bad snogging withdrawal, even though they only just saw them. They have no pridnosity.

As we were walking down one of the corridors, Mark Big Gob and the Blunder Boys came out from the guys' tarts wardrobes. They smelt of smoke.

Mark and his band of equally dim idiots started yelling their usual WUBBISH at us but we ignorez-voused them as we walked passed, with the height of digniosity.

And then Mark Big Gob stuck his foot out and tripped me over.

Went face first into the floor. It was aggers.

Rosie said, "Why did you do that for?! I have a pipe and I am not afraid to use it!"

Mark Big Gob laughed with his stupid mates and said, "It wasn't me. It was the weight of her jugs," and walked off, swaggering his shoulders.

How dare he?! Oh I hate him sooo much.

_**1 minute later**_

Why is everyone obsessed with my nunga nungas today? Even Dave the Laugh mentioned them in his Paella-a-go-go-enese.

They are beacons of poonosity calling all the sad sods of the universe.

_**5 minutes later**_

We got to the boys who were munching on the Jelly baby stock.

Dave the Laugh grinned at me when he first saw us but then he looked confused, "What has happened to your face, Kittykat? You look like you have walked into a wall or something. It is outstandingly red,"

I said, "Mark Big Gob decided to trip me over,"

Dave looked really concerned. Aaaaw. He is so nice. I may forgive him for earlier.

Dave said, "He is, quite possibly, the biggest jerk on the planet,"

I said, "He said it was my own fault because my nunga nungas are too big,"

Dave said, "I am surprised that he hasn't fallen over for the size of his gigantoid lips,"

I said, "I hit my face, and it really hurt. It really, really hurt,"

I don't know why, but I felt like I had to make things sound worse than they were. I really wanted Dave to care for me.

Dave said, "I will have another word,"

Hmm. I know what Dave the Laugh means when he says he will have a word.

Rollo said, "Oh, there he goes, now,"

Mark Big Gob and his cronies went past.

Dave said, "Be back in a min,"

Rollo said, "Will you be asking him whether he knows any good dentists?"

Dave said, "No, I will cut the chitchat; he does not deserve it,"

Ooooh, I fear there might be fisticuffs at dawn.

Dave walked up towards Mark Big Gob and his friends. He really is vair vair brave and quite cool, it has to be said. Mark is not exactly small. In fact he is bigger than Dave. Height-wise and width-wise.

Dave shouted over, "Oy! Mark! I want a word with you,"

Mark turned around, "Oh, what now, what do you want-"

BOOF!

Dave punched Mark Big Gob full on, underneath the chin. It was the height of spectaculariosity. It was amazing; Mark Big Gob was completely knocked off balance and he fell over.

Mark looked quite scared actually, he obviously hadn't forgotten the other time Dave beat him up over the hands-in-my-over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder-type fandango. Dave said, "Leave Georgia alone. If I hear you have so much as looked at her wrong then your over sized mouth will be round the back of your head. Got it?"

Phoar! Dave looked really tough and coolio standing over Mark, arms crossed. It slightly gave me the Horn…

Mark said, "Ok, Ok, I am really sorry. Don't hurt me!!"

Dave let him scamper off with his mates. They were shoving Mark about saying, "Aaaw, diddums, you were scared of a guy with pink hair,"

Dave came back to us. Dec just gave him the thumbs up sign.

Then Dave said, in a strained sort of voice, "I really must watch which hand I use to punch people. I hit him with my cripple-hand. Which has set it off again. Ow, ow, ow."

When he sat next to me, I let myself lean on his shoulder and I stroked his cripple hand a bit, in a you-are-most-deffo-in-my-good-books-egg-mate way. I think I might have got healing hands because he seemed to make a full recovery.

In fact he said, "You can give me a thank you snog now, if you like,"

Cheeky Cat.

_**Maths**_

In maths I went to sit next to Jas because I couldn't risk the Ace Gang getting the wrong idea about me and Dave the Laugh. Of course I didn't give him a thank you snog but the Ace Gang still thought it was evidence for their Sherlock PANTS investigation. But as everyone can see, all I did was lean on his shoulder and stroked his poorly hand. Like a mate. That is _le_ fact.

Although I don't think it helped matters when I told Dave 'no' so he said, "Oh, I get it, you are saving it all for later. I will be looking forward to it,"

Anyway, I went over to where Jas was sat, Dave the Laugh said to me, "Aren't you going to sit by me, Kittykat? You know you want to,"

I said, "No, I am going to sit by Jas,"

But then as I sat down on the chair next to Jas, Dave grabbed the back of the chair and dragged it across the classroom. With me on it. Like a sort of chair ride.

And he put me in the seat next to him.

I said, "Erm, excuse me Dave, but I didn't actually want a chair ride, thank you,"

I stood up to go back to Jas when the teacher came in. He had a rant at me for standing up. Seriously. Fascist.

Dave the Laugh stuck his tongue out at me.

_**3 minutes later**_

I said to Dave, "I end up sitting next to you in every single lesson,"

He said, "And you are complaining?"

I said, "It is really annoying Dave. You are acting quite possessive,"

He said, "Well, put it this way, would you go out with Spotty Norman?"

I wasn't quite sure his angle so I said, "No, have you seen his terminal acne?"

Dave said, "What about Phil the Nerd?"

I said, "Of course not!"

Dave said, "So, exactly, I have a rather big influence here, so if you are with me, you will be left in peace. Otherwise you will be hounded by the complete twits. If you are with me then they will leave you alone,"

I looked at him and he nodded like a wise old loon. I said, "Well, if it keeps me from being eaten by acne then I'll sit by you. But we are pally pals and it ends there,"

But I think he ignored the last bit because he said, "Soooo, about that thank you snog…"

_**10 minutes later**_

I am doodling a heart on my Maths Book. I am going to write I 'heart' Masimo. To stop Dave getting the wrong idea and so he can realise I am the_ trés_ sophis girlfriend of the Luuurve God.

I was about to write the name of the Italian Stallion, when Dave held my hand which was holding the pen and started writing something underneath the heart. I figured out what he was writing by the time he got to the 'V'. I made my hand had what I can only say was a nervous twitch to get away from his. The V ended up as a W.

_**5 minutes later**_

Jas said, "'I 'heart' Daw' Who's Daw? Is this another boyfriend that I haven't heard about?"

Honestly, she can be so irritating. And stupid.

_**Blodge**_

You will never guess what we are being forced to learn about. It really is a crime against humanity to make us learn this. We are being taught about the menstrual cycle. You know, time of the month, the painters.

Honestly.

And we have the boys with us. They looked absolutely repulsed when we were told.

Rollo put his hand up and said, "But Sir! Do we have to learn it? Encase you have not noticed, we are mostly boys in here,"

The Teacher said, "We have to learn it, regardless of whether there is girls or not. It is on the curriculum, so lets not be childish,"

Rollo said, "It is not that I am being childish. I have lunch next,"

_**10**__** minutes later**_

I thought the boys were going to be icons of immaturiosity. Shouting out stuff and being crap and naff.

But they all look rather green.

_**3 minutes later**_

It is quite funny actually.

_**5 minutes later**_

In fact there is not a paper aeroplane in sight. They are all in silence.

It is scary.

Perhaps they are going it straight. Hmm, they must be proud, they are being_ trés_ mature.

_**2 minutes later**_

Famous Last Words.

When the teacher (or torturer) went into the store cupboard to get the books, Dec leant over and whispered something to Dave the Laugh. Dave's face was quite a picture, he was trying so hard to laugh he ended up snorting a laugh. Yes, snorting. Very attractive. He threw his hands over his face to stifle his laughosity.

Dec was laughing too. It was like a laughing fest. With their own private joke.

When Dave managed to calm down he turned around and looked at Dec. Which set them both off on another laughing spaz. Good Grief.

_**7 minutes later**_

Luckily for the boys we are not doing any more of the more, err…real side of things. The Torturer is now babbling on about hormone balances and other such rubbish. It really makes none sense. In fact it is nonsense.

I think Dave shares my confusiosity because he said to Dec, "Why do we need to know about the hormones? It's another pointless thing that is hard to understand and you never actually need it. Like alegebra. You never use that. And I will never need to know this,"

Dec said, "Well, it's their excuse for when they are moody isn't it? So it might help to avoid being kicked in the trouser snake or something,"

Dave said, "I am hardly going to go up to a girl and say, 'When is your period? Because I want to know when you are in a bad mood and most likely to kick me in the trouser snake'. You would get kicked for asking that,"

Dec said, "I know. They just think we are being rude,"

I should think so too!

Dave said, "Look," and then he turned to me, as if I hadn't heard their conversation, "Kittykat, when is your p-"

I said, "If you dare ask I'll, I'll-"

Hmm? What would put the cats among the pigeons or whatever…?

"I'll, err, bleed at you!"

Dave pretended not to be disgusted but when he thought I wasn't looking he shifted on his seat away from me. Ha!

_**Lunch**_

Hmm, what a vair vair interesting lesson Blodge was. Not.

_**2 minutes later**_

The boys have decided to skip lunch. They are so immature.

_**4 minutes later**_

Tom, Rollo, and Dec wanted to have a bit of a game of footie.

Rollo said, "Are you coming, Dave?"

Dave said, "Nah, I am going to hang around with the ladeeeez,"

And he sat in between me and Ellen, and put his arms around our necks and pulled us into a type of head lock.

I said, "Dave, you are ruining my hair!"

Dec said, "Oy, mate, get her hands off my girl,"

Ellen said, "Yes, err, like, um, can you, you know, get off me? Please?"

Dave let her go and she disappeared off with the boys. To cheer Dec on probably.

Dave said, "Blimey. I've been told,"

I said, still crushed in a head lock, "You can let go of me too, you know,"

But he just patted my head. Like I was dog girl. Stop patting my head like a patting thing you, you pink haired laugh!

Dave eventually let me go and I just carried on sitting next to him. It was a really nice day, the sun was shining properly and I could see girls tanning, boys playing football and snogging partners snogging. The Ace Gang were discussing blue mascara versus good old basic black. I wasn't really listening. I was just nodding when someone asked me something. It was really hot and it was making me feel a bit dozy dora.

I think Dave the Laugh was feeling a bit dozy too because he moved and lay down. And he put his head on my lap. Like it was a pillow or something.

It was actually like when the Sex God had put his head on my lap and started singing to me. Dave the Laugh wasn't going to start singing was he? Could he even sing? But he didn't, which was a pity because it was a potential amusement watsit. Shut up Shut up. He just looked up at me, half smiling. When the Sex God was looking up at me, I was paranoid that he could see up my nose. But I didn't feel so paranoid with Dave the Laugh. In fact, I felt really at ease. I don't know why. I felt so at ease, that I didn't really mind him lying on my lap. I didn't really mind that Jas was giving me evils.

I looked at his hair which was as pink as the day is mad. It looked vair vair groovy, it had to be said. Even though it was completely loony. It was coolio.

I brushed some of his fringe out of his eyes. He closed his eyes. I just carried on stroking his hair for a bit. I sort of forgot that I wasn't his girly type friend but I was Masimo's. I wasn't that bothered that I had a gorgeous Italian stallion and I was with Dave my Non-Boyfriend, stroking his hair. It felt…natural, I think.

Then I remembered that we were only egg mates and the Ace gang were watching (in between talking about glittery mascara) and that Rosie and Jools were raising their eyebrows. So I took my hand away from his hair mid-stroke.

Dave opened one eye and said, "Oy, don't stop. That is really relaxing,"

Who does he think I am? Slavey-girl?

And that is when I found my hands back in his hair. _Sacré_ bloody _Bleu._

_**7 minutes**__** later**_

Same bat time, same bat place. Still stroking Dave the Laugh's hair.

Hmm. He is vair vair groovy gravy looking, actually. Perhaps even gorgey. For an egg-mate. He has a really nice face. Sort of a baby face. Not a long square face. A young face. It makes him look really innocent but he still reeks of naughtinosity. He has a little nose. Not a great big nose like I have. Masimo actually has a slightly-larger-than-average nose. But it is his ancient Romaniosity coming through.

I found my self looking at his mouth. Or more his lips actually. Which he uses for snogging me with. During our accidental secret snogs. Which are not so secret anymore since they saw us snogging on the camping disaster. And I can guarantee Radio Jas has told all.

Anyway, before I so rudely interrupted myself. I was looking at his lips like a…err…hypnotised penguin. I couldn't help but think about being attached to them. Being nip-libbled. Yummy Scrumboes. It made me feel a bit jelloid actually. I felt really tempted to touch them. Or…

Bad, bad Red Bottom! Stop thinking of Dave as a potential snoggee! He is an egg mate. And I am the girlfriend of a Luuurve God. I cannot even think about snogging him.

It is tempting though.

But luckily I was saved the hassle because Dave opened his eyes and said, "As lovely and nice as this is, Kittykat, I am going to have to sit up before you make me nod off,"

Blimey.

I was just looking at him and he was just looking at me. I felt oblivious to the fact the Ace Gang were sat near by. All I could see was Dave. Which was quite groovy and marvy.

But Dave barely had time to grin at me before Rollo appeared out of nowhere and dragged Dave by the arm to 'even up the footie teams'

Good Grief.

The Ace Gang raised their eyebrows and said, "Mates, hey?"

I said, "What?!"

But they just grinned knowingly. How irritating are they?

_**2 minutes later**_

Vair vair irritating.

_**English**_

Great. Another lesson with Miss Barbie.

As soon as we got into the classroom she made a huge fuss over Dave's hair.

"Oh, what a lovely, ridiculously stupid colour! I am glad to see that you have taken to heart what I said about public humiliation being good for you,"

He said, "Don't flatter yourself. It was nothing to do with you saying anything,"

She said, patting his head, "This is why you are my favourite pupil. You are so honest,"

As he sat down next to me he said, "Erlack. Favourite pupil? She patted my head. I feel infected and disgusting now,"

_**5 minutes later**_

We are being made to read out scenes from Romeo and Juliet.

Miss Barbie said, "Ok, Act Four, Scene One, any volunteers for the parts of Paris, Juliet and Friar Lawrence?" and she did her all famous pouting thing. No one volunteered. They were probably too scared. Or badly inflicted with Stupid Brain.

She said, "Ok, I will pick then, seeing as you all are so slow. Right…you, girl, can be Friar Lawrence, I will have to complement you on that fine beard. I am not sure how that will help you get a good career, but I am sure some circus will have you,"

She was, of course, talking to Rosie. Who seemed rather proud to get the mad old loon's part. And not that bothered about being told to work in a circus. In fact, she probably thought it was a complement.

Miss said, looking at me and Dave, "Ah, why don't we have our very own lovebirds as Paris and Juliet?"

Dratty drat drat. She still hadn't forgotten the note situation type fandango. _Merde._

We had to read out the parts. Which were all in the mad old English that only the very mad speak, i.e. The old Shakespeare types.

Miss Barbie said, "Enter Friar and County Paris,"

Rosie said, stroking her beard, "On Thursday sir: the time is very short,"

Dave said, in what he supposed was a posh English accent, "My Vati Capulet will have it so, and I am nothing slow to slack his PANTS,"

Hahaha, _trés amusante_. The PANTS strike again.

Rosie said, "You say you do not know the lady's mind? Uneven is the course, I like it not,"

Dave pretended to be doing some sort of speechy thing because his next part was really long, "Immoderately she weeps for Tybalt's death, And therefore have I little talk'd of luuurve. For PANTS smiles not in a house of tears. Now sir, her vati counts it dangerous that she do give her sorrow so much sway; and in his wisdom hastes our PANTS, to stop the inundation of her tears, which too much minded by herself alone, may be put from her by society. Now do you know the reason of this haste, O Viking one?"

Rosie said, "I would I knew not why it should be slow'd. Look sire, here comes the Lady towards my cell. Quick! Hide the mead! HOOOORRRN!!"

Miss Barbie looked at her funny and then said, "Enter Juliet,"

Dave said, "Happily well met, my Lady and my wife…oo-er,"

I said, nearly cracking up at this point, "That may be sir, when I may be a wife,"

Dave said, "That may be, must be love, on Thursday next,"

"What must be shall be,"

Rosie said, "That's a certain text,"

Dave said, "Come you to make confessions to this Vati?"

I said, "To answer that, I should confess to you,"

"Do not deny to him, that you love me,"

"I will confess to you that I luuurve him,"

Dave said, "So will ye, I am sure that you love me,"

Blimey. He sounded a bit unlaughish. He had even dropped his posh English put-on accent.

I said, "If I do so, it will be of more price, being spoke behind your PANTS, than to your face,"

I said PANTS really loud to try and get Dave into the swing of things a bit more. What is up with him?

He said in a half trying posh accent, "Poor soul thy face is much abus'd with tears,"

I said, "The tears have got small PANTS by that, for it was bad enough before their spite,"

"Thou wrong'st it more than tears by that report,"

"It is no slander, sire, which is the truth," The next line made me have a laughing spaz, "And what I spake, I spake it to my face,"

Rosie said, "You spake do you?"

Dave said, "Thy face is mine and thou hast slander'd it,"

Poo. And Merde. Obviously he didn't find spake amusing. He had even dropped the accent completely now.

I said, "It may be so, for it is not mine own. Are you at leisure, Horn Vati now, or shall I come to you at evening PANTS?"

Rosie said, "My leisure serves me pensive daughter of horn. My Lord we must entreat the PANTS alone,"

Dave said, "God shield, I should disturb devotion, Juliet, on Thursday I will rouse ye, till then adieu and keep this holy kiss,"

And Miss Barbie said, "Paris exits,"

And with that Dave got up and walked straight out of the classroom. What?! Did he really think that he had to exit?

Miss Barbie said, "Wow, and I didn't even have to say anything to get him to storm out of the classroom this time,"

Storm out? Why?

One of the boys said, "How does the record stand?"

Miss Barbie looked at the ticks, "He has stayed in for the last eight lessons, which is a new record!"

How horrible are they? Vair horrible. So I decided to take my spake and I walked out too. To go and find Dave the Unlaugh.

_**5 minutes later**_

Found him. He was leaning against the outside school wall.

I said, panting a bit because I had been running, "Why did you storm out?"

He looked at me and then looked down and said, "It…made me feel a bit funny, that was all,"

I said, "Well it made everyone feel funny. It was Billy Shakespeare. It said Spake for God's Sake!"

I said it in a light and funny sort of way but it didn't do anything.

He said, "Well, it's just like. Err…well, Parris is supposed to be this really great catch and stuff, and…well, liked, I suppose. But the only person he likes is Juliet, doesn't he?"

Yes. And?

He carried on. "The only person that she likes though is Romeo. Who only really liked her because him and that other girl split up. And he goes and kills her cousin, yet in her eyes he can do no wrong,"

To be honest if someone killed my cousin, in my eyes they would do no wrong. They would be literally a hero.

Dave said, "She doesn't like Paris. She doesn't give two short flying monkeys about him. Yet she'll lead him on and stuff,"

What is he on about? As usual, I will be the last to know.

I said, "Dave, it is only a play. Nothing to get upset about,"

He just rolled his eyes like I was being a complete fule, "You just do not get it do you?"

I said, "Not really, no, it is Shakespeare, it is not made to be got,"

He looked at me and then said, "I feel…like I am in his same position,"

And he went off.

What?

_**3 minutes later**_

I don't get it? Don't get what?

_**1 minute later**_

He feels like he is in the same position as Paris? So he feels as if he is in some sort of luuurve watsit…triangle. With some girl who he likes but she doesn't like him.

I wonder who the girl is?

_**6 minutes later**_

He doesn't mean me does he?

_**30 seconds later**_

He can't.

_**20 seconds later**_

Can he?

* * *

**Ta-da-da! Woo, I went to Alton Towers on Tuesday. It was awesome. We went on Nemesis. A sign said it was the world's most intense rollercoaster. I don't know how true that is, I would have expected the most intense to be in America. But it still is great bragging rights.**

**Oh, the Paris and Juliet thing. Did you think it was a good idea? I was tempted to put a Romeo and Juliet thing in but it is just cheesy and common. Everyone knows Romeo and Juliet. But I like this idea of Paris. Because if you think about it, it fits the characters quite well. Paris is seen as this worthy bachelor who is a great catch and Dave has his fair share of girls who like him. Now Paris likes Juliet but she likes Romeo. You could put Georgia in Juliet's place and Masimo in Romeo's. Okay, I know that Georgia doesn't detest Dave as much as Juliet hates Paris but the main fact is that she likes Romeo more. And Romeo is so much more out of her reach, like Masimo is this gorgey singer who everyone loves, Romeo is a Montague and off limits to her. Oh and there's lots more but I've forgotten it. I thought of this before I thought of the entire fanfic.**

**Anyway, Tatty-Bye, and just to let you know.**

**WAAAAAAAHHHHHH! BOO HOO! There are only two more chapters left to write of this fanfic. :( but I am deffo doing a sequel. I know I said that for Veg, Rols and D the L but I actually have a sequel (and a threequel) planned out for this. But after this fanfic I have another, at a different angle I want to write so….but this deffo would be carried on.**

**Translation of Dave and Dec's spanish argument:**

**Dec: You have pink hair and you are stupid!**

**Dave: No, you are stupid! My hair is very cool.**

**Dec: You are completly crazy**

**Dave: No, you are completly crazy! The End. **

**Oh yes, i know i wrote in Dave's Spanish thing at Georgia a 'quick snog' but it is actually a 'quick kiss'. I was looking up some spanish slang and i found that snogs are called _cambiar babas_. Which i typed into a literal translator and found it literally translated to 'to change dribbles' i was giggling for hours.**


	11. Full Frontal Spaz Attacks

**Wow, within a few hours of uploading my latest chapter ****I had loads of reviews. Wowee. **

**And I can say this. I have finished reading the first Twilight book. And it was bloody brilliant. I love Edward. Hahahahaha.**** I don't know whether I should read more, if Jacob becomes a heart throb I may have to jump out of window, Edwards is soooo lovely. **

**Oh dear. What's that a-coming around the ****mountain? Ah, another obsession…**

**Jenjen.davieees: For my photoshopped thing, you'll need to go on Deviant art and search **_**Georgia Nicolson**_**. Sorry, but for some reason the fanfiction uploading job destroys all the hyper links I put in. O.o. Obviously mine is the one by user name **_**Trampy Mouse**_**. I have uploading some other work so it's the dark cartoon strip one. **

* * *

**Full Frontal Spaz A****ttacks**

_**Tuesday July 10th**_

_**7.00am**_

In all my confusiosity about what Dave the Laugh said yesterday I have forgotten something vair, vair important.

_**2 minutes later**_

Incredibly Important.

_**3 minutes later**_

And that is_ le_ fact.

_**1 minute later**_

It is so important that my entire life depends on it. I.e. if it doesn't happen I most possibly will be forced to kill myself.

_**30 seconds later**_

Masimo is coming back. Today. The Luuurve God is relanding. Here.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygiddygod.

_**7.10am**_

At least I don't need to be on high alert at school. He is meeting me at four. At home. So I can be all nice and relaxy at school. No boys to impress.

_**1 minute later**_

Although there _is_ Dave the Laugh…

_**2 minutes later**_

Bad, bad Dave!! Get out of my head. You are not in this happy bubble with me. And I am not in the egg with you.

Ohhmmmm. I needed to focus on today. On four o'clock…

_**30 seconds later**_

Four o'clock.

Four o'clock!!

I will only have literally five minutes to achieve my effortless Sex Kittiosity. And that is not much time in anyone's books.

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers. Pants. Merde and triple double poo with knobs!

I may be having a spaz attack.

_**1 minute later**_

Maybe I should pretend to be poorly. So I don't have to go to school.

_**2 minutes later**_

No, That will never work. Mutti would drag me off to see Dr. Clooney and hang around with the Coughing Elderly Mad. And I really would get ill. And then pass it on to Masimo. And he will get ill. And even thing would be quite literally up shi cree without a pad.

_**30 seconds later**_

Hmmm. I have no other option but to sneak out of school early. I am sure my bestest pally and friendy friend Jas will be pleased to assist me.

_**1 minute later**_

Yeah, right.

_**8.30am**_

Met Jas at her gates. She was with Tom. Hmp. I wouldn't be able to explain my plan vis-à-vis sneaking out of school.

Jas was in Jas world, all girly and giggly. It's amazing how stupid boys make girls go. She was acting like her brain had dropped out. But I knew it hadn't. Mostly because she had never owned one.

She waved her hand at me but other than that completely ignorez-voused me and carried on giggling with Tom. She is sooo selfish and self-obsessed it was unbelievable.

I could never be like that.

I bet she didn't even remember that the Italian Stallion was galloping his way over to me right now.

I said, "Oh, I am so happy and excited about tonight!!"

Jas said, "What? Are you getting a nose job?"

She didn't say it in a nice way like a friend should do. Actually, a friend shouldn't even mention my nose.

But Tom got it, being half normal for a boy, "Masimo is coming back today, isn't he?"

I said, "Yep, yep, yep. The Luuurve God is returning in all his pizza-a-go-go-enesiosity. I have missed him sooo much,"

I was ready to have a full on swoon about Masimo when suddenly a pair of hands came from behind my head and covered up my eyes. I nearly had a heart attack.

"Guess who?"

I said, trying not to show that I had just jumped out of my skin like two short jumping things, "Oh, let me guess, you have pink hair and are very good at being irritating"

"Hole in one!" And the hands came off my eyes and I turned around to see Dave grinning at me like a loon. Which he is.

He was in a really good mood today. Well, Dave the Laugh is usually in a good mood. But he was in a really fabby over the top mood. He even let me talk about Masimo to him while he walked along with us. He had his arm around my shoulders. I was a bit scared at first; I was worried about last time, when he had become Mr. Moody PANTS. But he just was laughing and joking, in a Dave the Laugh way.

How could he be so full of casualosity when I was talking about the guy who is the reason I am not with him? They are rivals in luuurve. And after what he said yesterday, about feeling like Paris.

And Masimo was my Romeo.

Stupid Boys. They are a complete mystery.

_**Maths**_

To save being given the chair ride, I sat next to Dave the Laugh. He looked at me for a bit, eyebrows raised to show he was a bit surprised and then he said, "Honestly Kittykat. You shouldn't be so easy. I was quite looking forward to having to drag you kicking and screaming over here,"

I said, "I wasn't kicking and screaming last time,"

He said, "I know. As I said, easy,"

Oh Merde. He is in one of those moods again. The quite-simply-I'm-enjoying-being-irritating moods.

I said, "Dave, I am actually full of more maturiosity and sophisicosity than that. Encase you were not listening earlier, Masimo is coming back, from Pizza-a-go-go land,"

He shrugged and said, "It still doesn't change the fact that you are a red bottomed minx. I am still owed my thank you snog, if you would like to use that as an excuse,"

Cheeky Cat.

I just raised my eyebrows at him.

Dave said, casually, "So you are meeting your Homosexualist Boyfriend after school then?"

I said, "He is meeting me at my house, otherwise I would be in a watsit of a tizz,"

He said, "Is that wise?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, being as flash as he is, I don't think it's a good idea to let him too near Angus. Or Cross-Eyed Gordy. Or Libby. He could have a nervy B and die if something went in his hair,"

"Dave…"

"I was just saying that was all. As a friendly warning,"

"A friendly warning?"

"Yes,"

"You are mad,"

"No, you are mad,"

"No YOU are mad,"

"No, YOU are mad,"

And then he started tickling me. Oh, Merde! And double poo with knobs! We were playing tickly bears. In class. Blimey O'Reily's trousers, I need must stop this before it goes onto the next stage which is a number four.

I tried to say, 'Look, Dave stop it' but he poked me under the ribs and carried on tickling. I went all spazoid and I couldn't stop spluttering. And then I nearly fell off the back of my chair.

Dave said, "Woops!" and grabbed my arm before I hit the floor, so I was just dangling like Tarzan, half on the chair. I was literally an inch from being turned into mush on the floor.

"Oy! You two at the back! Calm down, will you?! Save it for the playground,"

Dratty drat drat. The teacher had noticed us. Well, who hadn't noticed us? The whole class was staring. Looking like staring-at-me things. Shut up Staring! Stupid Class, get back to your quadratic equations!

Dave pulled me back up onto my seat and I shot him my most evil glare.

Then some stupid spoon said, "Ooh, yes, you two, calm down!"

I went positively beetroot, and had to pretend I needed to get something out my bag. Dave gave the spoon the finger.

The teacher the all seer saw that and yelled, "I will not tolerate that sort of rudeness in here! If there are anymore disruptions, I will be handing out bad conduct marks,"

Dave said under his breath, "Oooh, bad conduct marks,"

I waited for the teacher to turn around and I biffed Dave over the back of his head.

He said, rubbing his head, "Oh, you are so violent,"

_**ICT**_

How perfectly boring. This really is the height of bordomosity. We are being made to do some stupid number stuff on the computer. Doing the accounts. To a company. Which doesn't exist. _Was ist der_ point?

At least I finally get to speak to Jazzy Spazzy, "Jas, do you love me?"

She said, "Not, this lezzie business again, please,"

"Not in a lezzie way. Am I your bestest pally?"

"Well…err…yes?"

"So do you love me?"

"As a bestest pally?"

"_Oui_,"

"Yes,"

"And you want me to be happy?"

"No, you are not having my midget gems,"

"Jazzy, you cheeky minx, you! Of course I don't want to have your midget gems; I just need a bit of help,"

"I am not doing your homework,"

"Jas, you beautiful thing, all I want is your assistance, to…sneak out of school after lunch,"

"No,"

"Jas, please?"

"No, I don't want to get into trouble,"

"You won't get into any trouble. I promise, we will be fine,"

"Why are we sneaking out?"

"Because Masimo is meeting me at four. I need some time to get ready,"

"Why do I need to go?"

"Because you are my bestest pally and fabbity fab at keeping quiet and you can use your marvy sense of direction you learnt at the Wilderness Course to find the way out of the school,"

She put a midget gem in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully.

I said, "I will buy you a packet of midget gems,"

"Three and some Jammy Dogders,"

I thought this was a bit greedy but I was in desperados, "Deal,"

"Ok, I'll help you,"

Then Ro-Ro turned around from her computer and said, "Did my ears deceive me or are you sneaking out of school?"

I said, "We are,"

She said, "I am coming, to offer my Viking assistance and stealth of Thor,"

"No,"

"Yes,"

"No,"

"Yes,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Rosie is coming too. Typico. We are almost certain to get caught now.

_**10 minutes later**_

God, this is so boring. What fool thought to make a programme to write numbers. You could do it on a piece of paper in half the time.

I went over to where Dave the Laugh was sitting for some light conversation and a laugh.

As soon as heard someone coming, he minimized what he was on.

He turned around and said, "Oh, it's you, Kittykat,"

I crossed my arms and said, "What were you on?"

"You have a very suspicious mind, Sex Kitty,"

I raised my eyebrows. He pretended to look insulted.

"I'm offended you would think that I was on _that_,"

I took the mouse off him and reopened what he was on. It was an animation maker type programme.

He said, "See. Nothing rudey dudey in it at all,"

I said, "I didn't know we could make animation type things. That looks a lot better than stupid spread sheets!"

He said, going back to clicking some things, "We are not _supposed _to be doing that. That is why I minimized it when I heard you. I thought you were the teacher. It would be deleted then. And I have spent ages on it,"

I said, "Show me it then,"

He clicked play. It was a little cartoon Ace Gang doing the Viking Inferno Disco Dance. It was super in extreme.

I said, "Wow! That's really good, Dave,"

He said, "I know, I am brilliant like that,"

_**3 minutes later**_

Hmm. I have noticed my cartoon is the only cartoon with a nose. Which means Dave had noticed how big my nose is. The fact it is gigantibus. Merde.

I said, "You've noticed my big nose,"

He said, "Well, it is hard not to notice- OW! Don't hit me. I meant the fact that you are always sucking it in. It draws attention to it,"

He reigned his own nose in. He looked ridiculous. I don't look ridiculous do I?

I said, "Does, it, err, bother you?"

He looked thoughtful for a minute. That is one of the reasons why I like him. He can be so nice and thoughtful. Not saying a simple 'No it's lovely' to keep me happy but he is really thinking, 'Yikes! Did she borrow that off Frankenstein?' He actually thinks about things.

Then he said, "If it bothered me, I wouldn't snog you. I would be scared it would poke me in the eye,"

_**1 minute later**_

Poke him in the eye. With my nose. Good Grief.

_**10 minutes later**_

I was still sitting by Dave, watching him trying to sort out the fact that Jools head jumped up every time she did the huddly duddly. It was hilariousiosity personified and I was tempted to make Dave keep it. Then he had one of those irritating little pop-ups with 'You've got Mail'

He opened and looked a bit puzzled, "Why in the name of PANTS is Phil the Nerd emailing me? I hope he is not wanting me to match him up with P Green. I was already asked that by Spotty Norman. Although it will be funny if they have a fight over her. She is being the regular red bottomed minx, as of late,"

Erlack. P Green as a nymphowatsit.

Dave read the email and said, "Ah,"

I said, "What did he say?"

Dave said to Rollo, "He's done it,"

Oh, fine then Mr. Laugh. Don't answer me. And they disappeared off to where Phil the Nerd was sitting with his nerdy mates. I followed.

I said, "What's he done?"

But they ignorez-voused me. How nice.

Phil the Nerd said, "Ok, I'll upload it through the networking into Schools Main frame and then I can search the files without having to get through any privacy protections,"

And Dave said, "What?"

Phil sighed and said sarcastically, "I'm going to put it in the big computer in the middle and then have a look about,"

Dave said, "Ok, I'm not that stupid. I just don't talk computer,"

I said, "What are you doing?"

Then I got it.

"You've made a virus-type thing?!"

Dave said, "Well, we haven't. Phil did, I wouldn't have a clue what to do,"

Phil acted all proud and said to me, "Yes, I am brilliant at computers, I show you some stuff sometime if you'd like,"

Dave said, in an irritated way, "Just carry on with the watsit and leave her alone,"

Rollo said, "Oooh, getting protective are we?"

I couldn't be sure, but I think Dave might have kicked him in the ankle.

So I said, "What, is the plan to break all the schools computers so there are no more spread sheets?"

Phil said, "They want me to break into our permanent records,"

Rollo said, "Enough with this 'they want'. You said it was a good idea too,"

Phil said, "Ah! Here we go, now just search files…there we go," And he opened some document thing. I just nodded trying to look smart.

Dave said, "Right, print them off,"

Phil had a bit of a FT. "You can't print that off! The teacher would notice,"

Dave just took the mouse and clicked print on his and his Barmy Army's records, and went over to the printer.

The Teacher said, "What are you printing?"

Dave said, casualosity personified, "Oh, some English coursework that I forgot to hand in,"

The teacher carried on trying to be friendly, "Oh, it's not like you is it? The English staff said you haven't handed in a single piece of work this year,"

"Well, err, I am thinking about turning over a new leaf,"

"Good to hear it," And finally the teacher left. Without any more Loon Patrol.

_**10 minutes later**_

Dave said, "You would have thought they would have thought of something more interesting to put about me than 'Hopelessly immature and a childish disruptive influence on the class' wouldn't you?"

_**Lunch**_

Hmmm. There is no hope in God's Beard of being able to talk to my bestest pallies about Operation: Sneak out of school. I cannot get them away from their "Boyfriends" for five minutes. They are all just sitting on the steps outside the assembly hall snogging. Minus Mabs and Edward. They disappeared off. I don't know where. And I don't know what they are doing. I don't _want _to know what they are doing.

Rosie who had full use of her mouth said, "So, Masimo is coming back is he?"

I said, "Yes siree,"

"Ah, maybe he has brought you back some souvenirs?"

Good Point. Well made. I wonder if he has brought me any pressies? "Ooh, you mean like Italian designer tops or shoes or handbags?"

Rosie said, "Or instant Spag Bol,"

"You are a loon,"

"I have a certificate now,"

I couldn't think of anything to say because she is bonkers. So I looked about a bit. And I saw that Dave was looking at me. A bit sad actually. But then he saw me looking and quickly grinned. Hmmm…maybe I had imagined him being sad. After all, he has been in an annoyingly fabby mood all morning.

But his grin didn't look quite Dave the Laughish.

But then, Sven came looning over to us, like the stone smashing the greenhouse or whatever. He shouted some nonsense in Reindeer and leapt onto Rosie, knocking Jools and Rollo over as he did.

He virtually ate Rosie. Good Grief.

_**3 minutes later**_

I don't know how long I can take this torture. My so-called friends snogging there boyfriends. In front of the entire playground. It is disgusting. I am forced to see enough porn at home with Mutti and Vati. I don't want to see it at school.

Then Dave said, "Do you want to go for a walk, Kittykat? Instead of hanging around like a couple of lemons?"

Well I was all up for that. No harm in it, is it? Two matey-mates egg mates going for a walk?

_**5 minutes later**_

Me and Dave the Laugh just wandered around the school randomly. It's a good thing that Lindsay can't do her Hitler Youth around here. She would have probably had a nervy B if she saw us walking inside. Because that is how fascists are.

I said to Dave, "Don't you have a Hitler Youth stopping you go inside?"

He said, "No one usually goes inside at Break. They are outside playing football,"

And we didn't say anything else. We just walked around. I felt a bit awkward actually. I couldn't think of anything to say. Well, I could. But it was be a lot of wubbish.

I didn't really know where we were going. I don't think Dave did either. We were just walking. Like walking-things.

Then as we turned a corner, Dave pulled me into an empty classroom.

I was about to say, "Oy! What do you think you are doing?!" when he snogged me! It was only a little vair vair gentle kiss. Not even a proper kiss, more like lips brushing together. It made me go completely jelloid knickers straight away.

He put his hands around my waist and lifted me onto a desk. Which was a good idea, because I felt like I was going to fall over.

What was wrong with me?

I said, trying to get my brain to work, "Dave, we can't do this. I am going out with Masimo. He is on his plane right now, coming back here,"

And then Dave said, "Yes, I know, that is why I am doing this now,"

What?!

But then he kissed the side of my neck. Number 6 ¾! I hadn't done number 6 ¾ before with Dave the Laugh. And do you know what? He was fan-bloody-tastic at it. If I thought Dave was top snogger before, I _know _he is top snogger now! Oh my Giddy God.

He kissed me again in the middle of my neck and then kind of brushed his lips up to my chin and just under my lips. Then he went across my cheek and kissed me under my ear.

Then I realised I was forgetting to breath and ended up making this stupid gaspy noise.

Dave stopped. Stop Stopping! I felt like I was going to pass out I was so jelloid. It was so unfair. Why does it have to be Dave the one with the brilliant snogging techniques? When I was just beginning to resist the nip libbling.

Yummy Scrumboes…nip libbling…

ShutupShutupShutupShutup brain. I am just going to have to push Dave away and explain that I have chosen to hatch into the Sun of Luuurvosity. Not share his egg. No matter how tempting.

But he just looked me in the eyes. He has nice eyes. Sort of greeny-brown. Hazel. Obviously not the nut type of hazel, He isn't nutty. Although a bit bonkers. Hahahaha. Shutup. It was like being hypnotised but in a nice way. I hoped he wouldn't say, 'Act like a chicken' or something because I might actually do it. My brain just fell out. Like it's much help anyway. Ohgodohgodohgod.

He leant forwards and I thought he was going to snog me. I _wanted_ him to snog me. My lips puckered up without bothering to ask my brain. Oh, Merde, I am such a dreadful minx. But, anyway, all he did was just rest his face against mine. What? Why was he doing that? Was his face tired?

And he just gently nuzzled the tips of our noses together. Nose Snogging! Excellent. And fabbity fab. Blimey, just as I thought he was the king of nip libbling, he surprises me.

Then he suddenly stepped back. Hey! What about my lips?! Had they puckered up for nothing?! Just because you snog my neck and my ear and my cheek and my nose doesn't mean that you don't have to snog my lips. A good old bit of nip libbling never hurt anyone.

And then I realised. I was going mad. Great. Dave has made me have to go to the Loony Bin.

"Sorry,"

My lips said without my permission, "Why are you sorry for? That was the best snog I've ever had,"

He smirked. I just went red like a red thing in red land. I could still sort of feel him kissing my neck. I made me go jelloid again. How can one person be so good at snogging?

I said, trying to get back what digniosity I had, "Why are you sorry?"

He stopped smirking and looked a bit Unlaughish. Gadzooks.

He said, "Well…I shouldn't really because…you've got Masimo, but, I…"

Blimey O'Reily's trousers. If Dave the Laugh is struggling for words it is usually not something I want to hear.

"I just…I-"

Then the bell rang and he walked out the classroom pretty sharpish.

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh Godddd. What in the name of Jas's giant knick knacks just happened? Why didn't he just go full frontal like usual? Why did he say sorry? Why did he walk out? What was he going to say? What did he mean 'that is why I am doing it now'? I am having a spaz attack.

I could barely walk when I go off the desk. I have said it once and I will say it again, what is wrong with me?

_**1 minute later**_

I will just think about the Luuurve God. Coming home. And snogging me. Because he is my boyfriend. Not stupid Dave the Laugh. The Italian Stallion is the one that I should think about snogging.

_**30 seconds later**_

But he won't be able to snog me better than Dave did then.

Why do you do this too me Big G?! I must have been a horrible person in my past life. He sends me a Luuurve God back and tempts me to a Dave the Laugh. Who has to be the most brillio pads snogger in the world.

I mean, that wasn't one of our usual accidental snogs. It was a phoar and Blimey O'Reily situation type fandango. I felt like I was going to faint.

I still do. I feel all hot and breathless. Stupid Georgia.

_**3 minutes later**_

Found Jas and Rosie when I was walking down the corridor.

Jas said, "Blimey, you look a bit red,"

I felt in a daze, "Do I?"

Rosie said, "We just walked past Dave the Laugh, he didn't look very happy,"

What fresh hell?

Rosie said, "He didn't notice us. He was just saying 'stupid, stupid, stupid,' under his breath,"

What?

Jas said, "Did anything happen to you two?"

Yes. I was just turned into vegetable girl. Officially.

I said, "Of course not, come on we best get going,"

Jas looked at me a bit weird but Rosie said, "Off we trek, trotter,"

_**5 minutes later**_

Me, Jas and Rosie were sneaking down the corridor.

Jas looked a bit worried. She is such a teacher's botty-licker, "Do you really think we should be doing this?"

I said, "Yes, Masimo is meeting me at four, I need some time to get ready,"

Rosie said to Jas, "Would you like to wear my beard? It's very comforting, it smells of Sven,"

Then we heard someone coming. We did a mad dash into a store cupboard near by. Bugger! Ouch! And also Buggery Ouchers! It was miniscule. As if it was built for vair vair tiny midgets. Then I realised. It was built for mops.

I shut the door and bent down to look through the key hole.

It was Dave the Laugh and Hunky. A shiver went down my back when I saw Dave. I couldn't help remembering his lips on my neck. Yummy Scrumboes.

Dave was saying, "I nearly told her. I very nearly told her. But then I chickened out. Again,"

Tom said, "I thought you said you told her down by the river?"

Dave said, "I did. Sort of. Well, I slipped it in. I didn't make a big thing of it. So I don't think she realised what I said,"

Tom said, "You are making it seem worse than it actually it is,"

Dave sat down on some drawers near our hidey cupboard. Poo. Can't they go away? I have a Luuurve God to prepare for.

Dave said, "Worse that it actually is? I have tried for nearly a year to tell her. A year. I think it is pretty bad already,"

Tom just looked at him. Dave isn't saying what I think he is. Is he?

Dave said quietly, "Suppose it's too late now, isn't it? Now her Handbag Horse is coming back. I really thought that I was getting somewhere this time. Like on Saturday night in the rain. And Sunday at hers. And even yesterday at Lunch. But now he's back it's all going to go back to the way it was. I don't know what to do,"

Tom started to say, "Well I think-"

"What am I doing wrong? I try to be mates with her but she just sees me as a mate. I try going full frontal and obvious but she ignores me. I try helping her with other guys and she just sees me as a walking horn encyclopaedia. I have even tried getting angry and she pretends it never happened! But all that bloody Handbag Horse has to do is say 'Ciao' and off she goes like a little dog!"

Giddy God's Pyjamas! He's talking about me.

Dave said, "Have you heard anything through Jas?"

Tom said, "Only that she has the egg horn apparently and you sat in her bed with her on Sunday,"

Oh, thank you Radio Jas.

Dave said, looking puzzled, "She actually told Jas that? Well, is that a good sign or bad sign? It could be good because she's not keeping it a secret…but then she could have been moaning about it. Probably moaning about it. But she still did mention it. You said a lot of the time she tried to hide things from Jas. So it could be a good thing she told- Oh, Shut up Dave! Wait, what is this egg horn thing? She can't be attracted to eggs or something? Can she? No, it's probably just some little thing she's made up and-"

Tom said, shaking his shoulders like a loon, "Calm Down. You are having spaz attack,"

Dave said, "I know I am having a spaz attack! And quite frankly, I think I am entitled to be having a spaz attack! I have never liked someone so much. I hate her for it,"

A boy spaz attack. I'd never seen any boys be less than coolio about girls. It would have been _trés amusante_ if I hadn't been feeling really sorry for him. He is in the Rack of Luuurve. And it's all my fault. And I know exactly what it is like to be on that.

Tom said, "Are you sure you don't just want her because you can't have her?"

Dave said, "I would know if it was something to do with that! I love her. And that's the short and short of it. It makes me feel so stupid! Everything makes me think of her. If someone says something funny I think 'Georgia would like to hear that' or if someone says something rudey-dudey I can hear her say 'Oo-er' in my head. Now you can't say that is normal,"

Well I could. I've heard his voice in my head a lot of times.

He carried on, "I've even started adding 'osity' on the end of my words. Like she does. And that is just sad. And obsessive to the extreme. How can one person just stick in my mind like that? Meeting her was the worse thing that has ever happened to me,"

Tom said, "It can't be,"

Dave carried on ranting like a loon, "I never know where I stand anymore. It makes me feel so full of confusiosity. Hah! See. _Confusiosity._ Before her it was simple and I'd ask a girl out and if she said no then there were plenty more fish in the sea. But Georgia's different. I know she doesn't think of me like that. How ever big of a bitch she is to me, I always go back!"

Tom said, quietly, "Well, I did think you were mad to go back after the red herring incident,"

I could feel Rosie and Jas looking at me in the dark. I felt really cold and empty inside.

Dave stood up, "I can't help it anymore. I really, really want to be with her. I could easily walk around blowing as many horns as possible. But the only horn I want to blow is hers- I can here her saying Oo-er to that,"

Then he kicked the door of our hidey cupboard suddenly.

"SEE! Everything ends up about her."

Tom said, "Calm down, breathe, do you want me to talk to her?"

Dave looked at him, trying to breathe slowly and then said, "No. If she ever found out exactly how I feel, I would die,"

And that is when the store cupboard burst open and we all fell out.

_**1 minute later**_

Dave just looked completely horrified as we tried to get up without flashing our knickers. He was staring at us. Staring at me actually.

I said, "Dave…"

He just put his hand over his mouth. His eyes were really wide.

I went over to hug him. Or anything. I felt so bad. I felt like the Big Bedtime Monster scaring like kids. I just wanted him to feel better.

He just stepped away from me.

I said, "Dave…"

He said, his voice cracking slightly, "You heard everything?"

I nodded. Rosie and Jas were doing their impression of two gogs. Agog.

Then Dave shouted suddenly, "Have a good old laugh at it then!"

I nearly jumped out of my skin, "I don't want to laugh at you. I feel sorry for you,"

"Oh," he said, angrily, "Then is it poor stupid little Dave getting a crush which he can't handle is it? So he has to ask a mate for some help? Like the stupid pathetic loser that I suppose I am!? Hm?"

I tried to say something but ended up opening and closing my mouth like a goldfish. Oh Poo.

Dave had little patches of red on the top of his cheeks. I didn't know whether it was because he was angry or that he was embarrassed. It might have been both. But all I wanted to do was put my arms around him.

Then the bell rang for class change-over and people came into the corridor. They stopped in a big circle around us when they realised something was going on.

Rollo and Dec were at the front of one side and Rollo nudged Dec and said, "Ooh, dear, lovers' tiff,"

Dave looked at me again and then shoved through the crowds and disappeared.

Jas said, "Are you ok?"

I just managed to stutter out, "He. I. He,"

Fabby. Now I had lost the power to talk. I barged through the crowds like a bargey thing. I had to find Dave.

_**5 minutes later**_

He was heading over to the school gates when I had managed to push my way through the crowds. Hawk-eye was at Nazi Duties on the gates.

She said to Dave as he went through them, "Come back here! Where do you think you're going?"

He yelled back, "Home. Loony Bin. Anywhere, as long it's away from here!"

I started running. I didn't care if I got the red tomato look. Nothing mattered. I needed to get Dave.

Hawk-eye said, "Georgia Nicolson! Don't you dare go through those gates,"

I ran straight passed her. Dave was half way down the street when I got through the gates. Oh God. Oh God. Run, run, run.

_**1 minute later**_

"DAVE!"

I grabbed his shoulders as I managed to get to him. I was panting like a loon. I pulled his hands behind his back like they do in the naff Police movies that Vati watches, so he couldn't get away.

"Let me go,"

"Dave,"

"Let me go!"

"Dave, I need to talk to you, about that-I-"

"Oh, like you care," he didn't say it in a very nice way. He struggled against my hands and broke out of my hold.

He said, "Haven't you got a Homosexualist to get ready for?"

I said, "He can wait, I need to talk to you,"

"Oh, he can wait can he? Good Joke, but I don't need you to try and make me feel better. I know full well how you feel about me. Go on, you can't keep his royal gayness waiting,"

"Dave! Please, just listen to me! I care! I do care!"

"You care do you? Why? Because of hurting me? Or because it makes you feel bad? I'll tell you why you care, you care because you realise that your…pet," he spat the word like it was poisonous or something. But it wasn't, it was just horrible, "Your _pet_ who you think you can treat like absolute dirt but will always love you unconditionally, your _pet_ actually does have some feelings, and you can't bear that! Do you know why? Because it takes you out of that stupid little bubble of Luuurve Gods and a back up friend there to fall on! I have been so stupid to think that maybe…"

He was being spiteful now.

I said, "I didn't mean to hear, we were hiding from teachers,"

"Oh, hiding were you? So that makes it ok does it? The fact that every single one of the feelings that I have kept bottled up for months has been found out?! That all the feelings I've had to hide under laughs and smiles have been found out! Do have any idea how private all of that is to me?!"

I just looked at him. He was breathing really fast. He was fuming. I felt so bad. How could he think I didn't care? I couldn't bear to see him like this. I had to make him feel better some how.

So I lunged forwards and snogged him.

And do you know what he did? He bit my lips. I don't mean nip libbled. I mean bit.

"OUCH!" I leapt backwards from him and put my hand on my mouth. There was a tiny bit of blood on it.

He looked at my lips, a bit sorry and then said, quietly, almost begging. "Leave me alone, Georgia,"

I said, "I thought that is what you wanted,"

Uh-Oh. Wrong thing to say. _Merde_. And _Odure_.

Dave exploded again, "THAT'S WHAT I WANTED?! That's what I wanted?! Another meaningless snog? What I wanted?"

I just looked at him. Holding my lip. It was in aggers. It really, really hurt.

Dave said, "No that's what you wanted. You think you've got your _pet_ so well trained don't you? That I'd do what ever just for bloody snog. I bet you wondered why I wouldn't say anything at the Dare Game. That I'd rather forfeit. Now you know exactly how I feel. Welcome to my world,"

He was absolutely furious. I don't think I've ever seen him so angry. It was horrible. I couldn't believe that he was doing number 6 ¾ with me less than half an hour go. That wasn't meaningless. It was actually vair, vair meaningful. I just hadn't noticed.

I said, in best calmy-down type voice, "Come on Dave, calm down, you are getting yourself into a state,"

But he didn't. He said, "Calm down? Calm down? Of course you want me to calm down. You need you Horn Meister to be able to give you at least some half decent advice, don't you? Well here is my advice: Leave me alone! Just don't bother trying act like you care about me anymore. Go off with your Italian Stallion! You know that's all you want! Don't bother about me, you just make sure at least you have a nice life,"

I said, "Dave…please,"

He said, "No, just do that. That will be the best thing. For both of us. So I don't keep wandering around as a mate, still thinking maybe I do have a bit of a chance with you. Just tell me that you hate me so I finally stop waiting. Just stop messing me about. Just leave me alone,"

And he ran off.

Oh Godddddd.

I tried to run after him but I couldn't get my legs to move. What is the point of having legs if they don't work.

I shouted as loud as I could, "Dave! Dave! Please come back!"

And some stupid man with a lawn mower on his front garden said, "Yell a bit louder dear, I don't think China heard you,"

_**Home**_

_**1.45pm**_

I stumbled through the door like a loon. I could barely see where I was going. I was blubbing like two blubbing things in blub land.

Mutti said, "Is that you Gee?"

Oh Fabbidoozle. The Loon Patrol.

I said, "No,"

She came into the hall way. To look at me. Like a looking-at person.

She said, "What are you doing back so early?"

No 'why are you crying' or 'why is your lip bleeding' like any caring normal Mum would ask.

I said, "Because I am,"

She said, "I am not tolerating this cheek, Georgia Nicolson!"

She tried to act Mumish (and failed) I just stormed up to my bedroom and just flopped straight into my Bed of Pain. And cried for all England.

_**10 minutes later**_

I am such a horrible person.

_**2 minutes later**_

I sort of knew that he liked me. But I never thought he liked me that much.

Oh Goddd. Why couldn't he tell me all this before? Why do boys have to keep everything a secret. What's wrong with them?

_**1 minute later**_

What does he mean _pet_? Why did he bite me? It really hurts. But I suppose that is what I deserve. I am such a horrid wormy-type person.

What does he mean leave him alone? Is that what he wants? What do I want?

_**5 minutes later**_

I'll tell you what I want, for free. I just want him to be back here like on Sunday. With his arm around me. Stroking my hair. Trying to understand the concept behind the Rubber Band Watsit. Just to be with me. Laughing in a Dave the Laugh type of way.

He might never laugh again. I have killed his laughosity.

I feel worse than I did when I thought it was revenge. Because we both are on the Rack of Luuurve.

_**3 minutes later**_

Why does he find it so hard to say he loves me? Why did he make such a big deal when I found out? Why can't he be all coolio about it like he usually is? Why can't he just admit it?

_**1 minute later**_

But I would never admit that I love him.

_**30 seconds later**_

Because I do. Sort of. In an egg-mate type way.

Ok, I'll say it and Devil take hindmost. I love Dave the Laugh. In a proper way. As much as I love Masimo. Or even a bit more…

_**2 minutes later**_

But he thinks I hate him. He thought I was going to laugh at him. Does he really think that I am that meanio? I know what it is like to be on the Rack of Luuurve. I've spent virtually all my girlhood there. And now I am probably going to spend the rest of my life there.

I have gone back to the Cake shop of Luuurve and found out they have ran out of Dave the Tarts.

_**30 seconds later**_

I wonder what Dave is doing now? Hopefully not anything stupid. He went completely ballisiticisimus when he was shouting at me. It was a bit scary actually.

He said I make him feel stupid. But I don't think he meant in the stupid brain type way.

_**2 minutes later**_

He is probably on the Rack of Luuurve like I am now. In his Bed of Pain.

Do boys even go into the Bed of Pain? They must do, if they can go on the Rack of Luuurve and have full frontal spaz attacks like I've witnessed today. Why does big G hate me so much? Jas is right. My red bottomosity has wreaked so much havoc.

_**1 minute later**_

He said Confusiosity. He has my words stuck in his head like I get his.

Why?

_**3 minutes later**_

I can't stand this. This feel like when I made the Former SG cry. But ten times worse.

I am going to have to phone Dave.

_**5 minutes later**_

Ringing Dave.

_**1 minute later**_

Still Ringing.

_**30 seconds later**_

Ring. Ring.

_**4 minutes later**_

Dave finally answered.

"Hello?"

His voice sounded a bit funny. Sort of thick. Not dim type thick, although you never know with how many times he called himself stupid. No, what I meant is that his voice sounded like when you are bunged up with cold.

He said, again, "Hello? If this is a prank call or something, I really am not in the mood,"

Oh. God. He sounded vair, vair upset. He hadn't been…boys aren't supposed to…

I said, finally, "Dave?"

He hung up.

_**2**__**.30pm**_

I suppose I should start getting ready for Masimo. Cover up my sadnosity with laughs and smiles. Like Dave said he had to. Oh double poo with knobs.

_**3.00pm**_

I managed to get my make up done. I even got it to cover up my red little mouse eyes. And then I went to put my lip gloss on and it stung the cut on my lips like billio. It made me feel so bad again, and I started crying again.

Panda Woman returns.

_**5 minutes later**_

Oh this is no use. Every time I try to put on my make up I just end up crying and ruining it.

_**2 minutes later**_

I must be going mad. I have taken off my make up. I am going to meet Masimo bare faced. No make up. What so ever. Bear my full frontal ugliness to him. I hope he likes the natural look. At least better than the miz Panda look.

_**4 minutes later**_

At least I am lurker free. But I still have vair vair red eyes.

_**2 minutes later**_

Hopefully he'll think that I was crying with happinosity that he is back. Like a true girlfriend, who is trés excited that he is back. Like I should be.

_**1 minute later**_

So why couldn't I care less any more?

_**3.40pm**_

Jas phoned.

I answered, "Hello, Heartbreak head quarters,"

She said, "How could you!"

Has Dave told them about earlier? I said, "I didn't mean to I-"

"We are all suspended because of you and Dave storming out of school!"

I said, "What?!"

She moaned, "Now, I'll never be a prefect!"

Hawk-eye obviously ratted us out.

I said, "How long for?"

She said, "Me and Rosie have two days, you and Dave have a week, even Tom has been suspended for a day,"

A day. Big deal.

I said, "At least I have some time to hovel like rat woman,"

She said, "You don't care do you!?"

And slammed the phone down. Oh, great. Now even my bestest pally has the humpty with me.

_**3.45pm**_

Miss Humpty phoned back, "What do you mean 'hovel like rat woman'?"

I said, "Because I have probably just killed Dave the Laugh's laughosity and he is on the Rack of Luuurve,"

She said, "Oh, I know that, we went round his house to see what was wrong. His phone was disconnected for some reason. I was just surprised that you would actually care,"

Why does no one think I care about Dave? Everyone but the vair, vair dim must have noticed that I do like him.

I said, "You went around his house? What did he say?"

Jas was sucking a pen or something.

"Jas?"

"_Oui_,"

"What did he say?"

"Nothing,"

"I thought you said you went around his house,"

"I did,"

There was silence. She is soooo infuriating.

"Well what happened?"

"He opened the door, looked at us, then shut the door again,"

Good Grief.

I said, "Are you sure that he didn't say anything?"

"No,"

"No he didn't say anything or no you are not sure?"

"No, he didn't say anything,"

"Well…err…how did he look?"

"Middle height-ish, pink hair, hazel eyes, still in his school uni, err-"

I have _le_ idiot for a friend.

I said, trying not to pull her fringe down the phone, "I mean how was he? Laughing? Angry? Miz?"

She sounded a bit thoughtful and said, "He was a bit red around the eyes as it happened,"

Oh no. Oh no. Worst fears confirmed.

_**4.00pm**_

I heard Masimo's scooter pull up outside my house. I put on my best smile full of eastern promise and went outside. He was looking gorgey but I didn't get the ol' Jelloid knees. Why?

He said, "_Caro! Lo ho mancato_, sorry, how you say in English? I have missed you! Let's ride,"

I said, "Ok, _oui_, I mean, _sí,"_

I don't think he noticed I spoke Froggie to him. He was all happy to see me. Why wasn't I so happy? He put the spare helmet on me and his hands brushed against my neck. It was nice but I didn't like it.

I wanted it to be Dave again.

We rode through the town centre. It was really nice and everything but I felt a bit sick. I don't think it was his driving.

_**3 minutes later**_

We stopped at a little Italian Café and Masimo brought us this really lovely Italian sundae. To share. _Trés_ Romantic. Or should I say _molto romantico_? I was a bit worried about the moustachioed affect.

He smiled at me when we were finished, and then really gently leant over to me to kiss me. I was thinking OhmyGiddyGod, snog alert! Be careful of your nose, you don't want to poke him in the eye.

It was all Dave's fault for starting this nose business. And then Dave came back into my brain box. Oh Poo. It ruined the whole snog. It was a really nice number 5 but I didn't go all jelloid. I was actually hurting a bit. The cut on my lips was vair, vair sore and it was a bit aggers. I tried to block it out and get some stupid brain or something but it wouldn't happen. I just felt really meanio snogging Masimo. I felt mean towards Dave.

Dave…

And I started crying when he was snogging me. Blubbing.

Masimo said, "What's wrong, _Bella_?"

Oh Poo. Just say something about missing him so much.

And that's when I said, "I am such a horrible weedy wormy type person. I have completely broken Dave's heart,"

Masimo looked a bit phased, "Dave?"

Stop. Now.

"I didn't realise how much he liked me. How much it was ripping him apart me being with you. And now I've only just found out,"

Masimo said, "I don't understand,"

He looked really sad. What is it with me today, upsetting all the boys?

Shut up Georgia, shut up.

"I don't think that…we…should…you know, err, go out any more, I can't keep hurting him,"

I have just dumped a Luuurve God. I am going mad.

Masimo looked at me with those lovely yellow cat eyes. In the name of Big G what have I done?

Masimo kissed me really gently on the cheek, "I really like you _caro_, you are, how you say, not normal. But if you can't carry on, I understand. It is hard to break something in love,"

_**Home**_

Now, what to do about Dave the Laugh?

* * *

**Ooh, all deepiosity and Phoario. Poor Old Dave. He had a bit of a spaz attack didn't he. Arrgh, next chappy is the last one of this fanfic. My planio's after Gird is too write this other fanfic I've been working on, and then I'll sequel this one. In the sequel you will find out a bit more about what happened to Dave once he ran off. Now, lets buckle up and dance. **

**I was up to half four in the morning writing some of this. I am getting obsessive. **


	12. Holy Buggeration on High

**Thank you so muchos for your reviews. I was a bit worried about that chappy actually, because of the amount of emotions. Oh, yes by the way, before I forget because I have to ask you to check out my mates Georgia Nicolson/ Final Fantasy 7 crossover. It's Yuffie's POV but in Georgie Nicks style. It shud be in my favourites but as I am writing this, it keeps coming up with error as I try to fave it. Weird.**** Well, the authors Vinnie2757, she's in my fave authors. So check it out or be square!!**

**Oh, merde. I might not be able to see the Georgie Nicks movie because the cinema (****bloody Kidderminster, I hate you!) near us isn't showing it on the 25****th****, 26****th**** I'm always dragged off to Telford to see my Vati and on the 27****th**** there aren't any buses so we can't get up there unless we walk for an hour and a half. Then I'm on holiday. Poo. **

**Poor Poor Dave. I love him so much. Last chappy, Waaaaaah :'(**

* * *

**Holy Buggeration on High**

_**Wednesday July 11**__**th**_

_**8.00am**_

Woke up from a dream about Dave the Laugh. I dreamt that we were getting married (which was vair, vair freaky deaky in its own right). It was really nice and everything apart from the fact that Rosie was leading a Viking Marching Band and there wasn't an organ but people were playing Horns.

We were doing the vows bit (Do you take Georgia to be your lawful wedded PANTS?) when Dave said, "Oh Bugger, the PANTS are calling!" and he flew off. Like Superman or something. _Trés _Weird.

I wonder what it means??

_**2 minutes later**_

It's probably because of all that happened yesterday. I wonder whether Dave's ok. I would phone him but he might hang up again.

I feel a bit miz actually about it. My eyes are a bit red and swollen like little mouse eyes.

_**10 minutes later**_

Libby climbed into bed with me. She is vair nice but a bit on the pingy pongoes side of things. She made a nice 'Chyeeeez Sandich' for me, but I'm scared to eat it.

_**3 minutes later**_

What normal person makes a Sandwich out of cheese and uncooked Alphabetti-Spaghetti?

_**2 minutes later**_

I was enjoying a nice cuddle with Libby and also multi-tasking by having a not-so-nice stab up the bum 'oley from Scuba Diving Barbie when Libby turned to me and said, "Where is naiiice tosser boy with chockies?"

Blimey. Even Libby is wondering where Dave is.

_**5 minutes later**_

Mutti came in to drag Libby off for Nursery so she can behead the other Toddly Folk or whatever she does there. But whatever it is, it is not normal.

Mutti said, "Your Headmistress rang yesterday,"

I said, "Oh?" in a pleasant and nice way.

Mutti said, "Apparently you are suspended for a week for walking out of school,"

I said, "I know, Jas told me,"

Mutti said, "We will tell your Dad later when he comes home from work,"

I said, "And you have had chance to crack open a bit of the _Vino Tinto_ to calm him down?"

She said, "Yes-no! You will be explaining why you stormed out of school!"

And then she got dragged away by Libby who wanted to find her Hippo Socks. Good Grief.

_**4 minutes later**_

Ok. Here is the current fiasco.

1)I have quite possibly broken the heart of Dave the Laugh. Who loves me. But now has the mega humpty with me.

2)I have definitely broken the heart of Masimo because of the Dave Fandango. But that isn't exactly toppus pointus at the presentus.

3)I may well love Dave the Laugh and I need to sort it out and cheer him up and plight my troth vis-à-vis Official Snogging Partnership.

_**2 minutes later**_

It is typico. I spend all this time trying to get an Italian Cakey and I keep being offered a Dave the Tart instead. And now I finally decide that I would in fact like a Dave the Tart, the Cake shop of Luuurve is all out of stock.

_**4 minutes later**_

Same goes for the Egg Horn principle. I took ages to decide whether to hatch into the Sun of Luuurvosity or go into Dave's egg. And I've chosen now to go into Dave's egg only to find that he has sealed up the shell.

_**1 minute later**_

Well, I am going to have to go and smash open his egg until I can go in there too.

_**4 minutes later**_

So considering the facts that I do supposingly quite like Dave the Laugh and also the fact that even though he did like me, he most probably is still having a full on Huffy Attack and will not want to talk to me, I should kind of…turn up at his house!

Excellent. He won't be able to get away from me then. Even if he slams the door in my face I will sit on his door step until he lets me in.

_**1 minute later**_

Or his Resident Elderly Loons call the Plods.

But in essence it is still a marvy plan.

_**3 minutes later**_

With one tiny little fly in the ointment. I don't know where Dave lives. Merde. And double poo with knobs.

_**4 minutes later**_

I could go knocking on every door in town.

_**3 minutes later**_

Or I could phone my bestest pally wally Jazzy Spazzy to tell me.

_**6 minutes later**_

Phoned Jas.

"_Bonjour_,"

Jas whispered, "Look Georgia, I'm grounded because of the suspension. I shouldn't be on the phone to you,"

I said, "I have decided that I am going to finally purchase a Dave the Tart in the cake shop of luuurve,"

Jas said, "I don't think Dave would want you to have anything to do with him actually,"

I said, "On the contraire _moi petite_ idiot, I think Dave likes me very much and I like him a lot too,"

Jas said, "Is this all this egg mate stuff again?"

I said, "Well, you see, I have decided that I would rather go and live in Dave's egg with him. But because he has sealed off his egg, I am going to smash it open,"

"_Non_!"

"_Oui_,"

Then after a bit of pen sucking Jas said, "I don't think you should kill Dave. He was only a bit angry,"

Honestly. It is like talking to a wall. With an annoying fringey-fringe.

I said, "No, you have got the wrong end of the stick entirely, Jazzy Spazzy, I am not going to kill Dave the Laugh, I mean that I am going to march around his and tell him that I love him,"

A bit more pen sucking.

"But you don't,"

"I do,"

"No you don't,"

"Jas, it is up to me who I love and have the Specific Horn for,"

Jas said, "Me and Tom have the Specific Horn and love each other. We go newt hunting. You and Dave don't go newt hunting,"

I said, "Luuurve doesn't revolve around newts,"

Suck, suck, suck.

"Yes it does,"

I said, trying not to scream, "No it doesn't. And quite frankly I wouldn't want to go newt hunting with Dave the Laugh. And I don't think he would want to go newt hunting with me. We are not nature obsessed i.e. we are both vair coolio,"

Jas said, "What about Masimo?"

"I've dumped him,"

"_Non?_"

"_Oui_,"

"_Non!_"

"_Oui_,"

Jas said, "So what have I got to do with it?"

I said, "You're going to tell me where he lives,"

Jas said, "No I'm not,"

I gave her my most confused look until I realised she couldn't see me.

"Why not?"

"Because it's your fault I'm suspended,"

"Please,"

"No,"

"Please with sugar on top,"

"No,"

"Jas, stop saying 'no' and listen,"

She was amazingly quiet and so I said, "You want me to be happy don't you? And you want Dave to be happy too don't you?"

Jas said, "No, because if he hadn't been shouting so loudly then we wouldn't have been found out,"

"That isn't very nice. What has Dave ever done to you?"

Jas sounded a bit thoughtful and then said, "Dave once stuck a sign on my back saying 'Beware of the Vole',"

I nearly choked laughing. He never told me he did that!

"It's not funny! I was walking around all evening with that on my back!"

I said, "Yes, but you lack a certain sense of humour,"

Jas said, "You think you are so funny but you are actually really mean and wormy and pooey because you let your _joié de_ watsit run ad-hoc and-"

I said, "Jas, shut up and tell me where Dave lives,"

There was silence.

"Jas? What are you doing?"

"Shutting up,"

Oh she is so irritating!

"Please Jas?"

She said, "Ok, as you asked so nicely- TOM!? WHAT IS DAVE'S ADDRESS?"

Tom's there? What sort of parent grounds their daughter then lets her have her boyfriend around? Sheesh, they're like a two headed monster.

_**3 minutes later**_

Anyway. The Nub and Gist of the conversation is that I now know where Dave lives.

_**9.15a**__**m**_

I have decided to keep make up to the minimum and go natural to show Dave I have nothing to hide (Jas' idea). So I am only wearing foundation, concealer, eye liner, mascara and a fabby silvery-pink eye shadow. It's Mutti's eyes shadow but she won't mind me borrowing it. Unless she finds out and then she'll be furious.

_**2 minutes later**_

It's a shame I threw away the Sundae Lip Gloss.

But on the other hand, my lips still a bit sore and aggers. Heavy Snogging may be off the agenda for today. 'Dave! Please refrain from Nip Libbling me!' I'll say…not.

_**1 minute later**_

Although I could get him to do number 6 ¾ again. That was marvy beyond belief.

He honestly is top dog when it comes to snogging.

_**5 minutes later**_

I was walking out the house when Mutti said, "Gee? Where do you think your going?"

What Fresh Hell?

I said, "I am going to go see Dave, he's not very happy,"

"Err, Gee, encase you haven't noticed you are grounded,"

"What?!" Since when?

"So get back inside,"

"Mutti please!"

But she dragged me back in by my top. Hopefully one of the Neighbours will call the NSPCC.

_**2 minutes later**_

Oh my Giddy God. And Poo. What can I do now?! I have to see Dave.

_**3 minutes later**_

I could jump out of my bedroom window.

But if I am an egg then I don't want to scramble myself before I get to try to go in Dave's egg.

Bugger. I am like a watsit under house arrest.

_**5 minutes later**_

I could knot bed sheets together like they do in the movies.

_**10 minutes later**_

What sort of fule thought of knotting bed sheets together? It doesn't work. Ho hum pigs bum. I haven't even got Libby to distract Mutti.

_**2 minutes later**_

I'll have to bide my time and sneak out at the right moment.

_**7 minutes later**_

God, this is boring.

_**12.30pm**_

Yesss! Yesss! And Three times Yesss! Freedom from the Mad Mutti type Jail Guard.

Mutti said, as she went out the door, "I just need to pop down town, love, to buy some bog roll because Libby decided to put all the rolls down the toilet,"

I said, niciosity and casualosity personified, "Have a nice time,"

"Gee,"

"Yes?"

"If you dare sneak out the house you will be double grounded with knobs,"

_**10 minutes later**_

After a quick touch-up of my natural make up, I went out the house. I will most certainly be barbequeued later but it is worth it if I can cheer Dave up. Hmp. He better be grateful.

_**2 minutes later**_

I hope Dave is still in his house and not gone out. After all it is afternoon and therefore has a lot of potential fun-wise so he may be out wreaking havoc somewhere.

_**1.00pm**_

Got to Dave's house and I rang the door bell. I was actually verging on a nervy spaz. Would he answer the door? Would he slam it in my face? Oh my Giddy God, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Dave's Mutti was on door answering duties, "Hello. Who are you?"

I didn't say my name encase he had told her to say he wasn't in, I said, "I really need to speak to Dave,"

And she said, "What's he done now?"

She didn't say it in a nice trusting way for someone who is supposed to be his mum.

I said, "He hasn't done anything wrong. But I think I may have upset him. I need to see him, quite urgently,"

"Ah, so it is your fault he was in such a bad mood yesterday?"

Oh dear.

I said, "Probably. Sorry,"

She said, "He is still asleep, do you want me to wake him up or do you want to go up yourself?"

Wow. She actually is willing to let me go up to his room.

I said, wisely, "I'll go up. I don't know whether he'd talk to me otherwise,"

She said, "His room is the second on the left upstairs, the one that looks like a tornados been through it,"

_**1 minute later**_

What normal person sleeps in past one in the afternoon? That is very much over-doing it lax-wise.

_**3 minutes later**_

I opened Dave's door really slowly. Because I have respectinosity unlike he did when he burst into my room on Sunday. Without knocking. Ok, I didn't knock either, but it's not like he could say 'come in' if he is indeedio asleep.

Which he was. He was in his bed all sprawled out, face down in his pillow.

I see what his Mutti means that a tornado has been through his room. It is a complete mess. He is untidier than me. Or Libby. Or Cross-eyed Gordy. Worse than all three of us together, and that is saying something. His floors about ankle deep in junk. How can one person have so much crap?

I went over towards his bed. It was like trying to pick my way through a mine field.

He had a little tank of something on his shelf. But it didn't have water in so I suppose it hasn't got fish in. It had some broken tree branches and leaves in actually. He can't be having a mini greenhouse can he? Oh dear, I hope Tom isn't influencing him into the way of the Vole. We might have to go Newt Hunting yet.

I went over to have a look in it. I couldn't see anything at all. Merde, may be he is the twig lover type after all. Then I saw it.

A giant furry tarantula type thing.

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers! Dave has a pet tarantula. It made me go all shivery and weird. Well, as long as that thing is _that_ side of the glass I'm Ok.

After ploughing my way through sweet wrappers, clothes, fizzy drink bottles and general rubbish, I got over to Dave's bed, and knelt down next to it.

Ok, so what now?

_**5 minutes later**_

He is still asleep. I don't think it'll be that nice to wake him up. It might make him go in a worse mood, I don't know if he's a good morning person or a bit of a Grouch the Grumpy Grog.

Rollo was right about the sleep talking. I can hear him murmuring. He sounds like he is having a proper conversation about something. But I can't tell what he is saying because his face is buried in his pillow.

_**2 minutes later**_

I wonder what he is saying?

It could be anything…

I could be about me(!)

Or it could be another argument with a sheep. Perhaps over a fork this time.

_**1 minute later**_

I wonder what he is dreaming about?

_**3**__** minutes later**_

His alarm went off (set for 1.15 in the afternoon, need I say more?). It made me really jump because it had been all quiet before apart from him murmuring stuff. Without sitting up or moving his head he felt around on a bedside-table thing like a blind…err, sleeping thing until he found the alarm clock and hit it until it stopped. And then he took his hand back.

Poo, he's not going to go back to sleep is he? Lazy Minx.

But then he said, "Buggering Mornings,". But in my humble opinion if anyone asked (no one) it is not morning. It is afternoon.

He propped himself up with his elbows and rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand, his eyes all sleepy and half open. Aaaaw.

Then he noticed me. Just looking at him like he was a looking at thing. He jumped out of his skin. A lot. Because he fell off the other side of the bed.

"Ouch!"

Oh dear. At least he had a soft landing from all his junk on the floor. I went around to him. Well, it would be more appropriate to say 'waded around to him'. He is a vair, vair messy-type person.

He looked at me, still half asleep and said, "Are you trying to kill me? You very nearly gave me a heart attack,"

I don't know whether he meant that in a Dave the Laugh way or a Dave the Unlaugh way. I sat down next to him for a bit.

He looked at me a bit phased and said, "Blimey, Georgia, are you in such desperados for Hornmeister advice that you have to wake me up at the crack of dawn?"

"Dave, it's 1.15 in the afternoon,"

"I know, as I said, the crack of dawn,"

I couldn't quite tell if he was still cross with me or not.

He said, "So what is it this time? Has he got himself a new boyfriend? Did his handbag straps break?"

Oh poo. And Merde. He is still cross.

"No, I wanted to come see you, to see if you were OK,"

"Wow, Georgia, almost sounded like you cared then for a second,"

Oh Holy Buggeration on High. Mr. Moody PANTS strikes again.

"Of course I care!"

Then I noticed he was only wearing his boxers. I went vair vair red. Perhaps even in the Land of Beetrootinosity.

I said, turning into Ellen, "Err…would you, like me to, err, you know, err, wait outside so you can, sort of, um, get some clothes on?"

And he said, "Are you afraid to be with someone as gorgeous as I?"

Oh, back to Dave the Laugh again. Yesss.

Then he said, "It's not like you have any problem with breaking into my privacy anyway,"

And back to Dave the Unlaugh. Poo. In the name of Lord Sandra, I'd wish he'd make up his mind about his mood.

I said, "Oo-er," to try to add some hilariousity into the situation. But he just looked at me. We were there for ages just sitting on his floor. He looked a bit Mr. Moody PANTS-ish. But luckily not as bad as yesterday.

And then I said, "Come on, Dave, talk to me,"

"I've got nothing to say to you, Georgia,"

Then his Mutti came in with some Hot Chocolates. One for each of us. Blimey. Proper Mum Service. My Mutti could learn a thing or two from her. Unless it's a clever grown-up-type ploy to spy on us. Then my Mutti's the expert there.

She gave us the Hot Chocolates. But judging by Dave's expression it wasn't regular Mum Service at all.

She said, "Have you ever heard of tidying up?"

Dave said, "Is there anything in particular you wanted?"

She looked a bit put on the spot and said, "No," and went. Ah, it was the clever grown-up-type ploy to spy on us type fandango then.

_**5 minutes later**_

Sitting on the floor drinking Hot Chocs. It made my tummy feel a bit weird but it wasn't the drink. It was so awkward, it was beyond beliefiosity. We didn't talk to each other at all. He didn't say anything to me and I couldn't think of anything to say without making myself seem like a fule. I just tried to focus on hamster-drinking and not getting a moustache.

Then he got up and started getting dressed.

I said, "Dave can we please be friends?"

He didn't get what I meant because he said, as he pulled on his T shirt, "It's always friends, friends, friends with you isn't it? Do have any idea how much it hurts to be just friends with you? I can't do that anymore,"

I stood up and walked over to him. I wanted to put my arm around him so badly but I didn't know whether he'd let me.

I said, "Dave, I-"

And he said, "Do you remember when you went to the cinema with Masimo that once? But all he wanted was to be was mates with you? Yet he'd still go off with Wet Lindsay?"

"Yes,"

"Well that's how I feel,"

I said, "Dave, it's OK,"

And that tipped the basket the bad way. Merde and Poo and _Scheissen Hausen_. He came over all Mr. Moody PANTS. Again. Brillo Pads.

"It's not bloody OK! It's as far from OK as it ever could be! I am sick of this, Georgia! For nearly a whole year I've hung about waiting for another chance with you, being a mate so at least I could hang around with you. Well, I can't fool myself anymore. I'd rather be nothing than a mate-"

So I shoved my hand over his mouth to shut him up and plucked up all my couragosity and said, "I love you,"

And walked out of his room.

_**2 minutes later**_

When I was walking down the stairs, Dave's Mutti walked past. She looked at me. Walking down the stairs. Shut up Looking! I am not in the mood for Elderly Loons.

She said, "Are you OK?"

And I realised I was blubbing like two short blubbing things.

I said, "I've ruined everything,"

She tutted, but in a nice way, not mean tutting like my Mutti does, nice tutting. She led me into the kitchen and made us both a coffee and let me tell her everything. Even though she was probably thinking 'You horrible, horrible girl, messing my son about like that!'.

Suddenly we heard a lot of banging from upstairs and some shouting. Then a little six year old boy came running down the stairs.

"MUMMMMMEEEEEEE! Dave's being HORRIBLE to me! He won't takes me out on my bike! He threw my helmet at me!"

Dave's Mutti sighed and shouted up the stairs, "Dave! Don't throw things at Nash!"

The little boy (Nash) laughed like a loon and went into the garden.

I said, "Nash?" without meaning to. But what sensible person calls their kid Nash?

She said, "He's really called Nathan but he calls himself Nash,"

Good Point. Well Made.

Hmmm. Seems Dave's no stranger to the Toddly Folk.

_**4 minutes later**_

I heard Dave coming down the stairs. Oh Poo. Oh Poo.

I said to his Mutti, "I should go..."

But she said, "You need to talk, that's the only way things are ever sorted out,"

I didn't think Dave was in much of a mood for talking. He came in, saw me and then ignorez-voused me!

He started making himself some breakfast, but I don't think he was really concentrating on it. He hadn't noticed the cereal box was empty. It was the height of awkwardosity. And believe me, that is not an easy word to spell.

Then the back door burst open and a girl with dark hair and a squillion shopping bags walked in. She was wearing one of the shortest skirts known to humanity. The sort of skirt that when I wear one Granddad says 'I can see what you had for dinner!'. But as I have pointed out many times, he was born in the Stone Age and therefore quite mad.

Dave's Mutti went back into Mum-Mood and said to the girl, "Where have you been young lady?!"

The girl held up her bags and said, "Shopping,"

"Yes, I gathered that, I mean, where were you last night?!"

"Earning the money for shopping,"

I thought Dave's Mutti was going to choke on her coffee, "IMOGEN!"

Dave's Sister (Imogen) said, "I am joking, you know, people tend to do that,"

Dave's Mutti crossed her arms.

Imogen said, "If you must know, I was at Anne's eighteenth birthday party and I got drunk and woke up in a phone box,"

But to me she didn't look much like someone who'd woken up in a phone box unless she had somehow figured out how to stop the Hammer-Over-The-Head type feeling.

She sat on the chair next to me, then she grabbed some of my hair. "See, Mum, this is the colour I want,"

Dave's Mutti said, "Immy, you are not dying your hair after the last time,"

Imogen pointed at Dave, "You let him dye his hair!"

Dave's Mutti said, "I didn't exactly let him..."

"He dyed his hair pink! That isn't even a normal colour! You don't have babies that are born with pink hair! But her colour is natural, it's brown!"

Dave turned around and said, "I think you should dye your hair blonde like you did last time,"

Imogen said, "No! It turned green when I did that!"

Dave said, "My point exactly. It was hilarious,"

Dave's Mutti said, "Now, you two..."

Imogen said, "You have realised that that cereal box is empty haven't you?" and smirked in a mean sort of way.

There was yet another really awkward silence until Dave's Mutti said, "So, where did you get the money for your shopping?"

Imogen said, "Oh, Adam brought them for me,"

Dave's Mutti said, "I thought you didn't like Adam, what's he doing buying you clothes?"

Imogen said, "I can't help it he's obsessed with me! Anyway, I need some clothes for seeing Craig tonight,"

Dave's Mutti said, "Let me get this straight, you are using the guy that adores you to buy you clothes so you can impress some other guy?"

Imogen looked quite proud and said, "Yeah! I am extremely clever, if I do say so myself,"

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers. She really is red bottomosity personified. It made me feel almost Jas-like compared to her. Almost, I still will not go Newt Hunting.

Dave looked disgusted. But Imogen noticed.

"I don't know what you're so bothered about my love life for, because obviously something's gone on between you and her!"

Imogen went over to him, "So are you going to tell me what is going on or am I going to have to find out for myself?"

No one answered her.

"Fine then," Imogen said, then she said to me, "What's your name?"

I said, "Georgia,"

Imogen's eyes lit up. Not literally, because that would be scary. I mean, widened, if you know what I mean and I think you do. She nudged Dave in the side, "Ooooh, the famous Georgia, hey?"

He said, "Don't you dare say anything,"

She said, "Oh, but I do dare,"

If she sends Dave into another Mr. Moody PANTS episode I will really have to kill her.

Then Dave's Mutti obviously sensed that there might be fisticuffs at dawn at any second and said, "Immy, haven't you got someone else's life to ruin other than your brother's?"

And she said, looking thoughtful "As a matter of fact, I do, I need to get that rumours about Laura spread by tomorrow,"

And she walked out. Good Riddance.

Then Nash came charging back in, covered in grass stains, "I WANNA GOES TO THE PARK!"

Dave's Mutti sighed, "Can you take him to the park, Dave?"

"No,"

"Nash, Nash, Nash!"

"Ouch! Don't hit me!"

_**4 minutes later**_

Dave ended up having to take Nash to the park. He was refusing quite stubbornly for a bit but I think it is when Nash started screeching like a loon on loon tablets that tipped it. I don't know how such a little kid can make such a horrible high pitched noise. I may be forced to ask Libby to see if she can explain with her Toddly-type folk wisdomosity.

Dave said to me, "Are you coming?"

I nodded and followed him out the kitchen. He had to virtually wrestle Nash to make him get his shoes on. If Nash and Libby ever met then they might start a World-Domination type Watsit.

I could here Imogen on the phone. Spreading those rumours she mentioned probably. She scares me. I am glad she is not my big sister. She seems really mean. I hope when I am Dave's Official Snogging Partner, I can keep out of her way. That's _if_ he agrees to be my Official Snogging Partner.

Ho hum Pig's Bum and Curly tail. If he won't then I'll have to snog him within an inch of his life until he turns into a vegetable. Then see what he says then.

_**Walking to the Park**_

It must be a good sign that Dave asked me to go with him. It means 'are you coming' as in 'I would quite like you to come but I don't know whether you are'. It is not as confusing as 'S'later' for sure. It means that he has forgiven me for being_ trés_ meanio to him. Even just a mincy tiny little bit.

But then again he could just want to get me away from Imogen and not want me actually to come at all. She was going to say something before his Mutti interrupted her. I wonder what he said to her? Whatever he said he obviously didn't want me to know. But then why in the name of Jas' Giant Knickers did he tell her anything anyway? After making such a big deal about his feelings being private? I could hear her gossiping on the phone as we went. She puts Radio Jas to shame.

It's the height of weirdosity seeing Dave in a family situation type fandango. I've only ever seen him with his mates. And he is in fact the middly type brother of the family with an evil big sister and a loony little brother.

We should get Libby and Nash to meet each other. Then they will be loons together and all the other Toddly type folk will be safe from them. At least Libby. I think Josh the Dolly boys Mutti has banned him from coming over now. Alls well that ends well.

It'll be Toddly Luuurve. Aaaaw.

_**In the Park**_

Me and Dave sat down on a bench while Nash went and terrified some little children off a climbing frame. I could almost feel the tension. Like when you put your head to close to the TV when you turn it on and it feels all fuzzy. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

I was still miz and crying a bit. Dave looked at me and then said, "Don't cry, you'll make me feel bad and I'll have to join you. And all your mascara will go everywhere and the zoo might thing you are an escaped panda," And he really gently wiped my tears away.

It made me cry a bit more actually. I put my head on his shoulder. He didn't tell to take it off or anything. In fact he put his arm around me and put his head on top of mine. In a nice sort of cuddly-comfort way.

I said, through crying, "I'm so sorry for being so horrible to you. I didn't mean to hear what you said,"

He said, "We always end up getting our selves into such a mess don't we, Gee?"

There was another bit of a silence fandango. I then babbled to fill the silence, "I had a really weird dream about you last night,"

Oh bugger! Why'd I say that? Poo and Merde and Crap United.

He said, "Oo-er," I don't know why.

I said, quickly, "But I'm not going to tell you what it was about,"

He said, "I'm interested now. You can't leave me hanging like this,"

I said, "Yes I can,"

"No you can't you Kittykat loony," Oh yessss, he called me Kittykat, the Laugh is back in business, "Otherwise I'll have another strop at you until you tell me,"

And he pouted in what he thought was a stroppy way. It was hilarious and it had me laughing even though I was supposed to be in deep depresarados.

I turned into Ellen trying to tell him, "Well, err, you see, um, remember this is only a dream, but, err, well, um, we were kind of sort of getting married,"

He raised one eyebrow. I pretended my shoes were really interesting and looked down.

"And err, then you said 'Oh Bugger, the PANTS are calling,' and you flew off,"

"Ah,"

"Ah?"

"Yes, ah. You see I am only Dave the Laugh by day, secretly I am Laughman by night,"

I just looked at him.

"You are mad,"

And he sighed, "I know I am,"

I said, trying to act like a normal human being, "Are you still in a huff with me?"

He said, "I should be. But I'm not. I'm not very good at holding grudges. Or staying in moods with people,"

I said, "Especially with me,"

He said, after a pause, "Especially with you," and then he sighed again, "I didn't mean to shout at you yesterday. Or this morning. I just got really angry. Which I shouldn't have done. It wasn't your fault that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Oh, well, I'll make sure I look through all cupboards thoroughly before I spill my soul again,"

I said, "We were hiding from teachers,"

He said, "Because you were sneaking off to see Masimo,"

He still sounded a bit Dave the Unlaughish. Poo. At least he wasn't Mr. Moody PANTS. He has too many different sides of himself. He will end up having one of these multiple personality watsits.

He said, "So, err, how did it go with you and your handbag hors- um, Italian Stallion then?"

I said, "I dumped him,"

Dave looked at me, surprised and then gently knocked on my head with his free hand, "Any little green aliens that have taken up residence in here? I would quite like to have Georgia back please,"

Cheeky Cat.

I said, "No, I mean it, I told him that I couldn't go out with him anymore. I told him that I couldn't keep hurting you and that I'd rather be with you,"

And Dave said, "You said that to him? You? Georgia Nicolson? The one who can't resist a lead singer? You? The red-bottomed minx of first water? You?"

I said, "Yes, me,"

And Dave said, "Wow,"

"What do you mean wow?"

"As in, Wowzee-Wowzee-Wowzers type wow. I feel very special now,"

I just stayed snuggled into him for a bit. It was a bit like when we were sitting in the bus shelter in the rain. Apart from it was quite sunny, not chucking it down.

Then he said, "So why the sudden change of heart then? Why am I suddenly man of the moment?"

I didn't want to say anything about the argument. "You know why,"

"No, I don't. That's why I am asking,"

I said, "Well, yesterday, it kind of made me realise it, that, err, I…"

Dave said, "Blimey. If I knew that all it took was a bit of drama to get you to like me, I would have had a nervy B at you ages ago,"

It was really nice to have him talking to me like a normal human being again.

Dave said, "So, no red bottomosity lurking around? No cosmic horn?"

I said, "No,"

He said, "Not at the moment,"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean,"

I did actually. He meant that I was a red bottomed vixen with no morals. He was just being too nice to say it.

He said, "Sorry, it's a boy-insecurity type fandango thing. You can't really expect me to immediately settle into ditzy-blind luuurve stuff straight away. Yesterday I managed to convince myself that you hated me,"

I said, taking a deep breath to help myself bear the watsits- Oo-er, shutupshutupshutup, "I don't hate you. I really like you. I think I could quite possibly love you,"

He said, "Honestly, Kittykat, you should stop flattering me. I will get too big headed and will have to have a neck support brace,"

But I could see he was smiling like a loon.

I said, bravely, "So, err, Mr. Laugh, would you like to be my official snogging partner?"

And then he said something I could not believe. It was unbelievable that was why, "No,"

I just looked at him really suddenly. But he was still smiling. What?

I said, "Why not?"

And then he said, "Well, you stalked Robbie and Masimo and found out things about them. I would like you to stalk me,"

I had a laughing spaz and very nearly died. It was so ridiculous.

Dave said, "What?" with a pretendy serious look on his face.

I said, "Excuse me, Dave, are you completely criminally insane?"

Dave said, "Incredibly,"

I said, "Dave, you are being silly,"

Dave said, "There you go. A point for your stalking list. 'Incredibly Silly',"

I said, "You are bonkers. A stalking list? I don't need to stalk you. I know lots about you,"

Dave said, "I'll quiz you then,"

"You cannot be serious,"

And then Dave said, in a presenter-type voice, "Roll up, roll up. It's the million-dollar quiz. In today's show, Miss Georgia Nicolson will take to the stand and try and answer all the questions on today's topic: Me!"

I just looked at him. I have accidentally killed his brain. Telling him I loved him has caused him to completely lose his marbles.

He said, pretending to have a microphone in his hand "I am going to ask lots of silly questions. Are ready, Kittykat?"

I said, "Do I get a million pounds if I get them right?"

He said, "When I am a multi-millionaire stand up comedian touring the world you can have a million pounds,"

I said, "Fine then,"

I couldn't turn down the promise of a million squids can I?"

Dave said, "Ok. Err, What is my favourite colour?"

I said, feeling like a fule, "Err, blue?"

"Red. What's my surname?"

"Laugh?"

He just looked at me. How was I supposed to know that?

"What's my favourite flavour of ice cream?"

I said, "It's going to be something really unusual isn't it?"

He said, "No, I like plain old chocolate as much as the next person. What's my fave animal?"

I said, "I know! A tarantula, you have one in that tank in your room,"

He said, "No! That is only a guard-tarantula. I told Imogen I let it loose around my room so she stays out,"

"Erlack! A loose tarantula? That's is disgusting,"

"I don't really let it out. I will never find it again under all my rubbish. And probably never be able to sleep again, knowing that the mad furry thing is loose. No, it just gets rid of the sister factor,"

"Oh, you really don't like her do you?"

"That is an understatement,"

I nodded in agreement.

Dave then grinned. It was his naughtinosity-personified grin. It made you wonder what he is thinking about…

Dave said, "Last question. What do I want to do right now?"

I said, "I don't know…err…"

And he said, "This,"

And he leant forwards and snogged me (!). I went completely stupid brain straight away. It was fabby. Even though my lip was a bit sore from yesterday.

He was mid-nip libble when he stopped. Stop Stopping!!

He said looking at my lip, "Oh. I forgot. You are handicapped in the snogging department. Is the lip ok?"

I said, "Oh, it's fine, doesn't hurt a bit. don't worry about it," and leant forward to snog him. But he leant back slightly, so I missed.

"You are really a very crap liar, aren't you?"

I did my best innocent look.

He said, "I am sorry about the biting fiasco. Really I am. I didn't mean it. You just took me by surprise, and I was feeling so wound up and angry and-"

I said, "Shut up," and snogged him. This time I didn't miss. He carried on doing his nip-libbling thing. It did hurt my sore lip a bit actually but I didn't really care. I was just so glad to be snogging him again. I felt like leaping over spoons! Even though he wasn't doing 6 ¾. Which was a shame. ShutupShutupShutup. He was doing the head holdy thing as well, which was good because I very nearly fell off the bench.

After he stopped he looked me in the eyes. I felt like I was melting.

He said, "I give up chasing you, Sex Kitty, you can do the chasing now,"

What? What!?

Then he put his mouth really close to my ear, and for one crazy moment I thought he was going to do ear snogging. And he would be a Jack of All Trades. ShutupShutupShutup.

But he whispered in my ear, "Catch me if you can!"

And then he got up and called, "Nash! Come on, lets go back, I'll buy you some sweets on the way,"

"Nash, Nash, Nash!"

And I watched Dave the Laugh and Nash, who had some angry ten-year olds in footie strips shouting at him, not that I am pointing any fingers but Nash had mysteriously acquired a football from somewhere. I.e. Stolen it from the ten-year-olds. Anyway, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Ah, yes, I watched Dave the Laugh walk off with Nash like nothing happened. Like he hadn't just snogged me to an inch of my life.

_**Home**_

How in the name of Sven's Light up Flares have I ended up chasing Dave the Laugh? As usual, I will be the last to know.

* * *

**It's finished! Jaw drop.**

**Ok, Ok, string me up and cut off my ankles. I didn't end it so Dave and Gee are together. Sinful aren't I? But it is all in good moral because if I got them together now, there wouldn't be a sequel. I swear, they will get together in the sequel. It's just that if I get them together too soon then it's all too perfect and as well as being vair boring to write, I bet it's boring to read. I found that out much from my Vegetables, Roller skating and Dave the Laugh. Half the story was much to lovey dovey in that. Oo. Anyway, at least they both know that each other like the other. **

**I am being mean keeping you in suspense I guess! **

**I am planning to write a different fanfic (still Georgie Nicks tho) first, and then the sequel to this one. I might do a one shot one as well, if I can be asked, but that'll be a chapter (one shot is one chapter isn't it?). **

**Oh, by the by, Imogen, the reason why quite a bit focused on her character at the walking in point was a) to distract from the sitch for a bit and mostly b) she has quite a big part in the sequel because she likes making things awkward. Just encase you thought focusing so much on her was a bit odd!!**

**And Sorry, Trix are for Kids that i didn't use your idea, it was good but i had everything already planned out!! Sorz. **

**Anyway, I hope you like how it ended!**

**Love all of you lots, espec the reviewing readers, lol, I rush home everyday to check the reviews, I am sooo sad. Heh heh. **

**Any, xxx Trampy Mouse signing out. Not literally tho because I still have to spell check this and then read it through several billion times then upload then read it through again and then wait for reviews then go all hyper and then stay up all night thinking about it and oh shutup.**

**Bye zee Bye. **


	13. Authors Note

**Authors Note:**

**Thank you for reading Gird and all your lovely reviewies- I am going to get one of those OCD things because I check like every 5 minus for new 'uns. Lol!**

**A lot of stuff I said at the end of the last chappy that I should have said here so I might be quite repetitive. **

**Fanfic wise I am probably doing the other one first (very diff angle but of course still Gee4Dave cos I love D the L, mwhahahahaa!). But I am tempted to sequel first this like you probably want me too Oo. Buuuutttttttt, even thoughs I know whats going in it, it doesn't have a definite plan and I don't like writing without a plan becos I might get writers block and Stop! Shock Horror!**

**I might write the one shot. It's an intended funny thing, inspired by Doctor Who…heheheheheh.**

**But the nub and gist is that a sequel will get done. And another fanfic. Deffos. Just which order….**

**I might not be able to do anything any way for two weeks. Because tonight I am being dragged off to Wales for a week. The second week I am staying at my nans, to avoid the caravanning fiasco with my mum- ANYTHING is better than caravanning for a week. I could barely stand it for a day. I have got internet, etc at my nans but I don't know whether I will be able to go on the computer without her nosing over my shoulder then telling me 'You can't write that! It's so rude!" and I'll say "It's only snogging nan! It's not like I'm writing an M rated sex scene!" and then she'll tell me that I'm not meant to know what sex is even though I'm 15 and I should still believe in santa claus and tooth fairies and watch teletubbies while playing with safety-toys and then she'll get all narked. Lol.**

**Why are elderly loons so difficult!?**

**Of course if I can get her out the house then I'll be writing…if she can trust me not to set the house on fire with a toaster that is…**

**Anyway, Sayonara Watashi no Tomadachi!!**

**Ps. Check out my stuff on Deviant Art. You know you want to. I can't give links unfortunately- stupid document manager! But if you search **_**Georgia Nicolson**_** at lot of my stuff will come up first, my user name is **_**Trampy Mouse**_** obvs. So far I've got a cartoony cartoon of Masimo, Dave and Georgia, a pic I couldn't resist doing of Dave and Georgia snogggging, a piss-take of Masimo and a scene from LIAMTT. :P.**

**PPS. I love you all, very much1 In the extreme. X x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x . **

* * *

**Ah! Goodie, i found out that holiday next week will be cancelled and the second week i am tinternet less- and nanless, yay! But the nub and gist is that only one week of my fanfic-life will be interupted, which is fabby for me otherwise i'll get withdrawal symptons (i did last time i wasn't able to get on a computer, but that wasn't fanfic linked, it'll be twice as bad this time). So, just to let you know, **


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